Decent Community Reviews Old Country Buffet

If you’re famished and looking to grizzle in epic proportions, the Old Country Buffet is your destination.

I rendezvoused with my parents and sister for some dinner yesterday and amid the scolding heat, my mother decided to forgo cooking duties for the evening. Reluctantly, the family gave in to my desire to hit up the OCB.

As we parked the car and headed toward the front door, my sister said something like “This is where white trash come to eat,” for which we were treated to a red-neck mother with two overweight children in a rusty, beat-up, early-90s minivan parking next to us. The son, about 10, was wearing denim shorts and a sleeveless teeshirt with a mohawk. His shorts just couldn’t hide his redneck plumber’s ass crack.

After visiting the nice cashier and dishing out a little over $50 for four adults, we headed for a table. I immediately set my sights on the buffet, grabbed a clean but slightly wet plate from the stacks and went to town. I was overwhelmed by the selection and variety the OCB offered. I decided my first course would be Italian and grabbed a few pieces of garlic bread, some spaghetti with sauce and a slice of pepperoni pizza. I topped it off with some Burbon chicken and a few pieces of fried chicken. The garlic bread and spaghetti were rather blah, but got the job done. The pizza had the slightest hint of cardboard in its taste. The Burbon chicken was quite tasty, which led me to the class of the OCB: the fried chicken. KFC has nothing on OCB. Tender and crispy, the fried chicken was to die for. Easily the best offering.

After housing the first course, I decided to kick things into high gear. I wandered over to the meat station for a piece of sirloin steak and hand-carved roast beef (with a little au jus sprinkled on top). I had to make a mandatory stop at the fried chicken area for three legs. I decided to go for some sides, grabbing a few potato wedges and a potato skin. After adding a piece of corn on the cob to my plate, I ventured back to my table to grizzle down.

The sirloin steak was stupendous and easily steak-house quality. The roast beef was very dry. Not even some au jus could save this dry piece of meat, which had probably been sitting out since lunch time. I took one bite of my potato skin before swearing to God i would never have it ever again. The potato wedges were cold and extremely below-average. The corn on the cod was very tasty, and of course, the fried chicken was delicious.

Feeling rather stuffed from grizzling, I decided to take it easy on my last trip to the buffet. I grabbed some mashed potatoes (also cold), a few more pieces of fried chicken (yummy!), some spicy rice (very average) and a breadstick (simple and tasty).

After three courses, and several trips to the all-you-can-drink soda fountain, I was ready for some dessert, and this is where the OCB really shines. Although that overweight 10-year-old with the mohawk took a bite out of a brownie and put it back with the rest, I was still impressed by the dessert selection. Cakes, cookies, puddings, you name it and OCB has it. I went for some chocolate fudge cake and added some soft-serve swirl ice cream on top with some colored jimmies (or sprinkles, whatever tickles your fancy). My mother opted for a cone of frozen yogurt, which she said was pretty decent.

I took three steps toward the door on our way out and had to turn around and head to the bathroom for a textbook “I just spent 45 minutes eating at OCB” shit. The bathroom stall was kinda grimey, and the thought that many dudes have taken messy, massive OCB shits where I was sitting made me queasy.

The employees were very friendly and versatile, as the meat-carving guy also seemed to be in charge of the baked chicken and meatloaf at different corners of the buffet. The cashier doubles as glass-washer girl. The girl who cleans tables also hands out free samples of cheesecake. While nice, helpful employees is very good for business, I kept having the feeling that this group of Old Country Buffet workers were outcasts from society. They were all very, very odd.

The Old Country Buffet is a decent place to grizzle hard on a variety of goodies, especially fried chicken and dessert. Some of the food looks and tastes like it’s been sitting out for hours and the whole place screams elderly people and rednecks. It’s perfect for eating contest, but I wouldn’t bring a date there.

For more information about OCB, visit www.oldcountrybuffet.com.

Decent Website of the Week: Scanwiches.com

M&O Market: Roast Pork, Swiss, Lettuce, Avacado, Tomato, Russian Dressing, on a fresh roll

Two things The Community is fond of are sandwiches and porn. Slap these together and you have Scanwiches.com, an amazing, relatively new site that offers some scanned pics of tempting sandwiches in all their decency. The website exhibits a plethora of various flatbread sand-bones “for your education and delight.”

Scanwiches.com is based out of NYC, so if you’re not living there it’ll be difficult to score one of these babies. But if you’re itching to get a grizzle on, this site fluffs your taste buds like few places on the internet can. So please, if you get a spare minute or are looking to build up an appetite before lunch, check out this very decent website.

*To read an interview with the creator of Scanwiches.com, click here. Also, The Community is always looking for decent sandwich joints in Boston (there appears to be a shortage). If you have recommendations, we’d love to hear from you!

Emeril Admits to Stealing “BAM” Catchphrase

FALL RIVER, Mass — Recent developments reveal that Emeril Lagasse, celebrity chef, restaurateur, and television personality, obtained food-world fame by stealing the catchphrase that landed him widespread noteriety.

In a statement prepared late Monday evening, Lagasse admits that his go-to mantra of “BAM!” was in fact ripped off from a man named LeRoy Hughes, a retired Deli Attendant from Fall River, Massachusetts.

“LeRoy used to make italian grinders back in our neighborhood and when piecing together the hoagie’s components, he’d shout ‘BAM!'” Lagasse admitted. “I have made a career out of saying ‘BAM!’ and today I am ashamed to say I am not the originator of the phrase.”

This information came to light as a result of a grass roots campaign led by Hughes to strip Lagasse of his undeserved fame. Facing mounting scrutiny, Lagasse finally relented and identified himself as an imposter.

“The phrase ‘BAM!’ has been such a great success over the years, and I admit, is very much a part of my image,” said Lagasse. “I will no longer be saying ‘BAM!’ and every part of my ‘BAM!’ branding will be discontinued effective immediately.”

Lagasse’s somber announcement was in stark contrast with the emotion of LeRoy Hughes. “I’m gonna be rich! ‘BAM!’ ‘BAM!’ ‘BAM!’ ‘BAM!’ ‘BAM!’ Where’s my TV show at? ‘BAM!’ ‘BAM!’ Where my restaurants at? “BAM!'” Hughes screamed in an interview in front of his apartment building.

Food afficianados throughout the world remained in a state of shock and pondered Emeril’s legacy now that his phrase is known to be an imitation. Chef Bobby Flay lamented, “I’m afraid to say that Emeril really isn’t too cool without his ‘BAM!’ catchphrase. I think he’s a fraud. I mean ‘BAM!’ is basically a performance enhancing phrase in the same way steroids are a performing enhancing drug. But hey, he’s the one who has to look in the mirror every day.”

Many believe that this revelation will mark the end of the Emeril empire. “He rode the whole ‘BAM!’ thing about as far as one can go,” said chef Todd English. “Not sure what else he brings to the table, so I’d say it’s time for him to ride off into the sunset.”

$1,000 Vibrator

So you’ve got 30 days to spend $30 million. Where do we begin?

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World’s Most Expensive Beer

The priciest beer is made by Carlsberg, a fancy toughguy European brewing company. Only 600 bottles were produced in 2008 and the labels are hand-stenciled lithographs from some famed European artist guy. The 10.5-proof beer is said to have hints of vanilla and caramel. The price? $400 a bottle.

World's most expensive hamburger - The Burger

World’s Most Expensive Burger

Surprise, surprise; the King himself makes the most expensive burger! Dubbed simply The Burger, Burger King makes it available only at a branch in West London. It’s made with Wagyu beef and prepared in Cristal champagne. Cost? About $186.

World’s Most Expensive SunglassesWorld’s most expensive sunglasses - Dolce and Gabanna

Wow, talk about stylish!Imagine wearing these into some fancy European techno club. Instant chicks! Dolace & Gabanna puts out the expensive shades, which are rimmed in gold and have the company’s name written in diamonds on the arms. It’s available, for only $383,609!

World’s Most Expensive iPhoneWorld's Most Expensive iPhone - Kings Button

This takes bling to a whole new level. The sides of the 3g iPhone are lined with almost 150 diamonds and the “home” button is actually a rare, 6.6-carat white diamond. The King’s Button was designed by some Austrian luxury designer named Peter Aloisson. Price tag? $2.4 million.

World’s Most Expensive Vibrator

World's Most Expensive VibratorHere ya go ladies of Decent Community. Welcome to a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure with the gold-plated Yva. Shaped like a bent egg so it fits over the pubic bone, the vibe features a extremely quiet motor with many speeds and can be warmed or chilled to increase the “wow factor.” It’s yours for $1,000.

Thursday Ramblings

Glad to see Michael Phelps is going to endorse legalizing cheeba.  Please tell me he only smokes dank. … Imagine Larry Bird and Ray Allen going head-to-head in a mega 3-point contest? Shoot from your side then sprint over to the other. I might regret this, but I’ll put 10 bucks on Allen … Speaking of the NBA, why doesn’t the league use the red, white and blue Moneyball during the All-Star game? … Most pornos end with a dude unloading all over a chick’s face. Has this EVER really happened in real life? … Dear Sonic: Stop showing me commercials for good grizzle when your closest location is 210 miles away in Watertown, N.J. … Soccer toughguy David Beckham (wife Victoria, above, is a total milf) wants out of Los Angeles. Does anyone really give a crap about soccer? … The Real World Brooklyn is all over MTV right now. Classic reality show: hot chicks, bitchy drama queens, no-sleeves-wearing toughguys, a gay dude and some kind of transgender-festite-thing-i-dont-know-or-understand … Jack McCoy on Law & Order recently beat out Matlock and that Jewish guy from Picket Fences in a Decent Community badass TV lawyer poll. … Thursday is Patriots running back Laurence Maroney’s 24th birthday. Maybe he’ll show up and play this year … The proposed tax break on buying a new car in President Obama’s stimulus plan is a Decent idea. More people buying cars, more car salesmen having jobs, more car companies advertising, cities/towns collecting more excise taxes … From the rumor mill: Phish releasing a new studio album; Pats are going to make a run at Chiefs RB Larry Johnson; Two companies are fighting over the rights to a Lindsay LohanSamantha Ronson sex tape … Decent Collage is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Seriously, if you haven’t checked out, your missing out on some great stuff.

A Decent Local Crew

We at The Community think we run with a pretty decent crew:  Noozle Man, Suave, Rub, Tubesteak, Helmet, Lice Man, Fugaze, Yit Bag, Sylvio Ve, Ace, Sr., Gnarly Dude, Muff Ranch, Bunty, etc…  However, we have come across a local rival crew that ranks high in decency and is threatening the position that Decent Community holds in the New England area.

The crew in question is comprised of the following individuals:

The Andelman Brothers

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A.k.a., The Andelman Brain Trust — Dave, Mike and Dan are the brains behind the operation.  Often influencing outsiders on many topics from food to sexual experimentation on their hit television program Phantom Gourmet.

Ernie Boch Jr (middle)

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EBJ is in charge of finances for the crew and makes certain his crew is sufficiently financed for throwing huge parties and all night raves. 

Kevin Lemanowicz

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The ladies man.  Lemanowicz supplies the ladies often with his witty and charming weather forecasts as part as the local FOX news crew.  The more ladies, the better the crew.  Lemanowicz is an integral part of the crews success.

Jasper White

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The culinary genius behind Jasper White’s Summer Shack, this crew member supplies the space for what are essentially after hour orgies.  After luring ladies in with his famous pan seared lobster, Lemanowicz is introduced and the party begins.

Charlie Moore

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The self proclaimed mad man.  Charlie gives this crew tons of drinking and street cred.  He can funnel, shotgun, face chug and standoff with the best of them.  He’s usually found blacked out swinging from the rafters draped in dead fish and women’s panties.

If you see this crew around town stay clear!  Heed warning, these guys are consumers of epic proportions!  They will ravage everything in their path leaving nothing behind but destruction, bad memories, and a lot of hurt feelings.

Tourney of Magnificent Restaurants

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Today we have the long awaited Tournament of Magnificent Restaurants. This is the cream of the crop, most expensive, romantic places you can go. Wanna see a movie star? Try visiting one of the restaurants above. Looking for ambiance and unparalleled atmosphere? These are the restaurants you want to dine at. While most of these joints have pretty much the same menu (with a few exceptions), we did manage to sort through the debris to bring you the most magnificent restaurant in all the land.

This was no easy task! Pitting steakhouse against steakhouse, Tuesday’s versus Friday’s, Pub 99 against Friendly’s. But alas, there had to be a winner.

International House of Pancakes made an impressive showing against the other giants of the service industry. Their maple syrup and their clientele of old, grizzled senior citizens helped them advance. Olive Garden and Red Lobster were also surprise winners for having free breadsticks and the freshest seafood. Both places also are decent for family outings.

Perhaps the most mind-blowing matchup of the tournament featured New England powerhouses Pub 99 and Friendly’s. This should have been the finale, but whoever drew up the brackets clearly blew it on this one. Pub 99 edged them as a result of their superior fare, tall bronsons, chicken wraps, and their array of breathtaking appetizers. We should also mention that the atmosphere at ‘the nines” absolutely cannot be beat.

And so it is decalred — Pub 99 is the Most Magnificent Restaurant in the world. I’d like to ask that everyone not sprint there immediately after reading this — we don’t want to overwhelm our dear friends at “the nines.” However, you’d be a big-time dork if you don’t stop by there this holiday season to enjoy a truly decent experience that will arouse you in unimaginable ways!