Decent Monologue

The Lonely Island comedy group temporarily covered the landmark Hollywood sign with the message “Dick in a Box”.  The group hopes to purchase the land to protect it from luxury housing.

On a related note, Vice President Joe “Lightsaber Roni” Biden, left, sparred with his predecessor, Dick “That’s My Name Don’t Wear It Out” Cheney, during talk show appearances Sunday.

Vice President Joe Biden, left, sparred with his predecessor, Dick Cheney, during talk show appearances Sunday.

On March 19th the verbal attacks will take a backseat to a pay-per-view sword fight between the two.  MTV is said to be reproducing the sword fight on its hit show Celebrity Death Match.

A marijuana bust along the U.S. – Mexico border revealed 30 pounds of the drug stuffed into framed pictures of “Jesus Christ” the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency said Wednesday.  When asked what tipped them off Authorities said the 22 year old woman had thought they were pictures of Jesus Christ but they were actually pictures of Jerry Garcia.  A Dead giveaway.

Rescue teams are trying to save a hiker who fell into Mount St. Helens.  When asked what was the most challenging part of the mission a rescuer responded, “IT’S A VOLCANO!”

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Decent Community Monologue

Coroner releases the details about Michael Jackson’s death concluding that Jackson died from “acute propofol intoxication”.  The autopsy also found on Jackson’s palm, clearly written in black ink:  “Fix nose”  “Moonwalk” (crossed out), “Buy new lips”.

An Iranian court has sentenced one person to death and eight others to  prison for their parts in antigovernment demonstrations.  They were convicted of “waging war against God”.  When asked about their death sentence, one man replied:  “At least now I’ll get dragged to my death and not dragged to see Valentine’s Day“.

The Rev. Ricky Kirton, the pastor who performed the marriage of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren has a message for the troubled couple:  “Forgive each other.  Be there for each other, and it will work out.”  After talking to his pastor Tiger “forgave” his nurse, “was there” for his psychiatrist and “worked it out” all over his waitress.  Tiger then proceeded to call his wife, mother, children, and People magazine, crashing his car into every fire hydrant in Mississippi before totaling his SUV full of sex tapes and cyber sleeves into the town’s oldest willow tree.

On Tuesday President Obama held bipartisan talks on jobs as Nancy Pelosi sat in the background focused on keeping her whiskey farts under wraps.

For more on Nancy Pelosi’s jet-setting, tax payer funded booze extravaganzas click here.

When asked about Obama’s plan, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, told reporters “the Senate could get there with a small package.”  And who better than Mitch McConnell to talk about how to get by with a small package.

Hey Mitch, how big’s your dick?

Pequeño

Decent Reads of the Week

Stop the presses! The Community thought it would be a good move to bring new looks at decency by sharing some of the chill articles that come across our desk. So we’re instituting a new post we’ll get up every so often called “Decent Reads of the Week,” in which we’ll provide goods we feel are insightful, funny, weird, or what have you. (If you come across something you think we should share, send it along to DecentCommunity@gmail.com.) Here’s some goods for this week:

Undressing the Terror Threat (WSJ)

Briton jailed for four years in Dubai after customs find cannabis weighing less than a grain of sugar under his shoe (Daily Mail, UK)

Brother gets revenge on sister with legendary facebook post. (SoJones.com)

John Lennon wrote “Come Together” as a campaign song for Timothy Leary’s race against Ronald Reagan for governor of California. (NYT)

Breaking down the sentence: “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” (Wiki)

Dude shits his pants on a date and tries to figure out what to do. (Lamebook.com)

KFC Thinks Black People Like Fried Chicken or Something (KnucklesUnited.com)

Sorry MILFs: Carnival Bans Cougar Cruises (Miami New Times)

What Makes Us Happy? (The Atlantic)

John Updike on Golf (NYT)

World Stats in Real Time

Gosh! The Community couldn’t resist sharing this site we just came across that updates significant world statistics. Like the world’s population at the time of this is 6,806,613,380 but it goes up more than a person per second. It’s not only population that this thing details —  there’s government, economics, society, media, environment, food, water, energy, and health.

It’s wild to see the way these statistics move. For instance, there were 14,956,951,525 cigarettes smoked so far today, and that increases faster than 100,000/second. Another — if gas is consumed at the current rate, there are 60,784 days left until we run out. There have been 40,490,683 abortions so far this year. We could go on, but you should check this site for yourself. It really paints a vivid picture of the world we live in.

States You Don’t Want To Live In

Above is the only map I refer to when I’m deciding whether to respect a state or not. It breaks down which states sell bronsons/booze on Sundays. I just moved to Georgia — little did I know! They don’t sell jars of hooch for 50% of the weekend. Fuck me.

I’m guessing non-selling states only do so because they have shitty pro football teams (or they don’t give a shit about their team). Either that, or somehow God sent a message down to law-makers saying “Do not sell booze on Sundays! I will not give you a reason why, but please just trust me!” How absurd is this rule? Is it the most bogus law in the history of mankind? I would say yes.

Comcast To Introduce Negative Channel Numbers

comcast box

Comcast believes negative numbers will help revive the company's reputation.

Reuters — Comcast, the No. 1 U.S. cable operator, plans to unveil negative numbers into their cable listings in order to address impending complications to their sevice, as well as customer confidence shortfalls.

Struggling with mounting customer dissatisfaction and an increasing number of channels, the head of Comast’s cable arm, Byron Logdini, announced on Monday the planned switch to take place in January 2010.

“Number one, we’re running out of channel numbers, and our boxes won’t display numbers over 999,” said Logdini. “To go along with that, we feel this may be a fun development for those who fear we’ve essentially become an automated media conglomerate. We have a creative side.”

When asked to further explain, Logdini quipped, “Let’s put it this way: negative customer satisfaction and negative channel listings will result in a postitive.”

Logdini credited Comcast’s Creative Director Marsha Aaronson with concepting the idea, which they hope “will salvage their reputation as an uninspired money-hoarding monopoly.”

“By offering negative-numbered channels, Comcast is proving we’re capable of thinking outside the box,” said Ms. Aaronson. “It’s a statement embodying creative problem-solving. It says, ‘we’ll address customer needs in imaginative ways.’ Our customers will begin to see us in a more positive light — which is ironic seeing how we’re introducing negative channel listings.”

The company’s representatives detailed the specifics of their ‘negative’ campaign, which will be outlined in mailings to customers in the upcoming months. All cable boxes are capable of adding a negative dash to their box display. There will be no channel zero and their On-Demand services will remain at channel one.

It’s still unclear which channels will be designated with negative channel listings, however many industry speculators have suggested that inferior channels such as MTV, Country Music Television, Fox News, The WB, Lifetime, and the Speed Channel should receive strong consideration for the negative classification.

George W. Bush Considering Third Term Presidential Run

KENNEBUNKPORT, MAINE — Former President George W. Bush called an impromptu press conference today at the Bush family compound in Maine to reveal he’s flirting with the idea of running for an unprecedented third term as President of the United States.

Appearing undeterred by the presidential term limits outlined in the Twenty-Second Amendment of the Constitution, the forty-third president cited “unfinished business with my arch nemesis Osama Bin Laden” as a primary motive to return to office.

Speaking of “personal and American conquests” Bush said, “In this time of war, America needs a strong, resolute Commander in Chief,” and then offered a familiar line, “I vow to keep America safe from terrorist attacks and smoke out evil-doers who harbor ill will toward our great nation.”

Leaders from both political parties were “aghast” and “taken completely off-guard” by Bush’s sudden announcement. Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele lamented, “I foresee this move rejuvenating our party once the initial shock wears off.” Speaker Nancy Pelosi simply shouted, “Yes!” and pumped her right fist.

When asked how he planned to get around the two-term limit for presidents, Bush said, “I have James Baker, Dick Cheney, and my father finding loopholes in the Constitution that will allow me to return to my rightful spot in the oval office. Barack there is just keepin’ it warm for me.”

Bush, who said he’s been busy “golfing, fishing, and riding [his] bike” apparently feels a need “to clean up the mess that this here Obama fella has gotten our country into.”

“Our national debt is, what, $12 trillion or something? What is this guy doing? People are losing jobs, banks are going under, and Obama wants more regulation? I mean, come on now. Who did America think they were electing?” Bush went further, “Barack Obama has no plans to end these conflicts in the Middle East. And, ya know, I was a fighter pilot. I know how these types of things… these combat things work.”

When a reporter asked Bush about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, the former president joked, “You mean our president? Aw, just jokin! Seriously though — Bin Laden is mine. I own him and I think he knows it. Heck, we all know it!”

With a little over two years to ponder running for a potential third term, Bush said he’ll be “fishin and speakin at get-togethers that my right wingers are throwin.”

After a turbulent eight years in office, it appears Bush will not fade out of the limelight as initially expected, and hoped for by many. If this announcement is any indication of a future run at the top office, it seems Bush will be running on his legacy. He concluded his speech, “Listen America, I kept you safe. Therefore, I was a great president and I’m confident that most all everyday Americans recognize that.”