Decent Football Picks, Week 3

First, Tubesteak spills all his cybersleeves and other sex toys all over I-95 on his way to Georgia, then Helmet Head starts having sex with animals. What is going on with my brothers in decency? Helmet, I am ordering you at once to dump that horse thing because, as you remember, the winner of our Decent Football Picks gets to have a threesum with the others’ ladies, and I didn’t sign up to start nailing horses. If I wanted to have sex with animals, I’d go hang out with Jeff Dunham.

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s contests, taken from Caesar’s Palace in Sin City: Tennessee (+2½) at New York Jets, Jacksonville (+4) at Houston, Kansas City (+9½) at Philadelphia, Cleveland (+13½) at Baltimore, New York Giants (-6½) at Tampa Bay, Washington (-6½) at Detroit, Green Bay (-6½) at St. Louis, San Francisco (+7) at Minnesota, Atlanta (+4) at New England, Chicago (-2) at Seattle, New Orleans (-6) at Buffalo, Miami (+6) at San Diego, Pittsburgh (-4) at Cincinnati, Denver (-1½) at Oakland, Indy (+2½) at Arizona, Carolina (+9) at Dallas

Helmet Head’s picks: Titans, Jaguars, Eagles, Ravens, Giants, Lions, Packers, 49ers, Pats, Bears, Saints, Dolphins, Steelers, Broncos, Colts and Cowboys.

Tubesteak: Titans, Texans, Chiefs, Ravens, Giants, Lions, Rams, Vikings, Pats, Seahawks, Saints, Chargers, Bengals, Broncos, Colts, Panthers

Fugaze: Titans, Jaguars, Chiefs, Browns, Bucs, Lions, Rams, Vikings, Falcons, Bears, Bills, Fish, Steelers, Raiders, Cardinals and Panthers.

Last week’s results: Helmet Head (8-8), Tubesteak (8-8) and Fugaze (9-7). Season standings: Helmet Head leads so far with a 17-14 mark, followed by Fugaze at 15-16 and Tubesteak trailing in third place with a 10-21 record.

So how do we think the Sons of Belichick will make out this weekend?

Helmet Head (Pats 38, Falcons 31): “I think this is the week the Pats start clicking. The past two weeks, the Pats have reminded me of me, trying to do these picks right now and write this prediction while fending off a vicious poop — tight, sweaty and inconsistent. The Pats D blows for sure so I’m predicting a high-scoring affair. I think the Pats get over their mid-morning loaf pinching performances of weeks 1 and 2 and put up some points. This week the Pats release the turd. Release the turd!

Tubesteak (Pats 31, Falcons 24): “Looks like my predicted 16-0 season is out the window. Fuck me. Anyway, playing at The Razor is the difference as the Pats have a close shave against the Dirty Birds. Matty Ice and Tony Gonzalez combine for a big game, but the Pats offense matures as a unit and Handsome Tom plays a handsome game — finally getting his fucking shit together.

Fugaze (Pats 34, Falcons 31): Time to get back to winning ways in Foxboro. With many people jumping off the Pats bandwagon, now is the best time to put up a solid victory against an up-and-coming Falcons team. Matty Ice is the real deal, as is coach Mike Smith, who leads the league in underrated. Think Ryan did it all himself last year? Not a chance and no one even mentions Smith in top coaching discussions. Anyway, Pats win but don’t cover the four-point spread.

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How do the Patriots rank in Madden?

The mega-popular Madden 10 video game is set to his shelvesin two weeks. The latest edition of the football video game is an annual event for hard-core gamers, some waiting in lines at midnight for a copy. It’s popular in locker rooms around the NFL as well. It’s very common to find reporters asking questions during training camp about how players feel about their Madden rankings and who the best Madden player on the team is (A few years ago, Laurence Maroney told me he was king of the Patriots locker room, a claim highly refuted by Ellis Hobbs). 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, Titans QB Vince Young and Ravens RB Willis McGahee are considered some of the best Madden players in the NFL.

We already reported the Patriots are the best team in the soon-to-be-released Madden 10, but now Electronic Arts is giving us the individual player rankings, and some of them are surprising. The full list can be seen here, but here are a few that caught my eye:

1. Linebacker Jerod Mayo gets an 88 overall rating: The run-away winner for Defensive Rookie of the Year after playing nearly every single play of his inaugural campaign, Mayo does not even crack 90 in the new rankings. Shouldn’t a rookie who impresses guru Bill Belichick enough to play almost every down for an entire season get an automatic 90? Not to mention he was 10th in the league last year in tackles with 128.

2. Rookie safety Patrick Chung is the team’s hardest hitter: The second-round pick from Oregon has an 88 rating in Hit Power. Surprising, considering he weighs only 212 pounds and has a higher rating than Mayo (87) and 270-pound linebacker Adalius Thomas (84).

3. Fred Taylor is the team’s fastest running back:OK, now this is a little suspicious. I do believe the 33-year-old Taylor is the best running back on the team, but his 88 Speed rating is a little high. He’s more of a bruiser. Maroney should be the fastest (and in my opinion, the most pussy) running back on the team but his 83 Speed rating puts him behind Taylor and Kevin Faulk (84).

So who are the best Pats’ players? Surprise, surprise, Tom Brady (97 overall rating) and Randy Moss (96) are tops, followed by Richard Seymour (95), Logan Mankins (94), Matt Light (92), Wes Welker (91), Dan Kopen (91), Thomas (90)  and Vince Wilfork (90). Connecticut cornerback Darius Butler (77) has the edge among rookies, followed by Chung (75), Boston College defensive tackle Ron Brace (70) and UNC wideout Brandon Tate (69).

A Decent Version of Jon and Kate Plus 8

decent john and kate copy

Thursday Ramblings

Who invented the telephone? Alexander Graham Bell, right? Wrong, it was Antonio Meucci, who was recognized officially by the U.S. Congress in 2004  for inventing the first telephone in 1857. He couldn’t afford the $10, which calculates into $228 today, for a patent in 1847, leaving Bell to sweep in and claim he is the telephone man. He took Bell to court in 1876, but without enough cash to hire a lawyer, Bell was victorious. … Glad to see Patrick Pass back with the Patriots, although I don’t like his odds of making the team out of training camp because the backfield is already a little crowded (Laurence Maroney, Fred Taylor, Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris) and the Patriots rarely use a fullback except on the goal line, where they commonly use a heavier lineman for extra push. One person who wasn’t a fan of Pass back in the day was my boy, Charlie Weis, who, in Michael Holly’s book Patriot Reign, pretty much said “I hate this guy, but the quarterbacks like him.” … Good news for all you sleezy dudes who like young chicks: Miley Cyrus broke up with her underwear-model-toughguy boyfriend Justin Gaston a few days ago. … Two nuggets left over from the Phish show in Mansfield: I didn’t know so many Phish fans had Apple iPhones, and I was wondering if anyone has ever seen a fight at a show. Hard to get that many people together and have absolutely no fights, especially when heavy amounts of booze and drugs are in play. … Thumbs up to the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien! You can tell the difference right off the bat in terms of always having A-List guests on the show. Conan is on his game in his banter with guests, and is still making funny shit when he and a camera crew head out into the streets of L.A. I would like to see Andy Richter have a bigger role (he gets lost sometimes). On the other side, Jimmy Fallon is terrible in the 12:30 slot. Seems like he’s trying too hard to be like Conan, but can’t you just see the headline on Google News later this year “NBC seeking replacement for Fallon.” … EARTH IS GOING TO EXPLODE if a recent study published in the journal Nature is true. Scientists say that 5 billion years from now, Earth, Mars, Mercury and Venus could all slam into one another at the same time, causing a mega-huge explosion. … Happy 44th birthday to Manuel Uribe, who Wikipedia describes as a “morbidly obese Mexican.” He weighed in at more than 1,300 pounds at his peak, but is reportedly down to about 800lbs. with a goal of reaching 256. Of note, he married a chick! His wife, Claudia (a normal-looking lady), was dating him for four years before their marriage in 2008. Also of note, in the whole time they were dating, he was never able to get out of his bed due to his weight, and had to be wheeled on a truck on his bed to the wedding ceremony. … Happy 50th birthday to Hugh Laurie, the famous Dr. House. I don’t care for the show, although it is massively popular. It seems like every week is the “Medical Mystery of the Year.”

Thursday Ramblings

Will the Red Sox release David Ortiz? He’s not hitting and doesn’t play defense. He’s wasting a roster spot right now. Theo Epstein and Terry Francona are hoping he starts to hit at least a little bit because they can’t keep him if he keeps hitting .180. Do you eat the $12 million and let him go? Do you keep a DH on your roster who can’t hit? Imagine that press conference with Theo announcing the Red Sox released Big Papi. … Every gambler wishes they had the luck of grandma Pat DeMauro, who last weekend set a record for longest craps roll of 4 hours and 18 minutes! She rolled 154 times at the Borgata in Atlantic City, breaking the previous record of 3 hours, 6 minutes in Vegas in 1989. Neither the Borgata nor DeMauro would say how much she walked away with but I’m thinking at least $500,000. … Tony Robbins is my boy. He was decent in “Shallow Hal” and his late-night infomercials on how to improve your life are always good for a chuckle or two. I think it’s sad, however, that Tony and other dudes like him basically target overweight people for needing life improvement. I mean, his Ultimate Edge DVD set or whatever it is has a big segment dedicated to losing weight. I’m actually kinda curious on what would happen if I folowed one of his programs faithfully from start to finish. Maybe I’d hit the lottery and marry Scarlett Johansson. … I’m never going to the 24-hour McDonalds on Coggeshall Street in New Bedford ever again. Not because the food sucks, it’s actually quite good unlike many places who dont give a crap late at night. It’s not because of the people who work there either, who aren’t wierd, mean and gross like other late-night places. It’s because after midnight, you can only get value meals, and they jack up the prices on them like crazy! It’s 10 bucks for a 20-piece nugget meal! It’s the only 24-hour grizzle place in New Bedford and it’s a shame the store is screwing everyone like this. … Jeff Dunham is Decent Community’s D-bag of the Year. Who’s Jeff Dunham and why is he a huge cocksmoker? E-mail him at jdunham4@hotmail.com and ask him yourself. … Happy 59th birthday to Jim Harris. Who? Kamala from old-school wrestling. His Kamala character was a big, dumb african guy, but did you know that Harris received an honory degree from the University of Arkansas last year? … Today marks two years since the passing of New England Patriots defensive end Marquis Hill. The Pats came so close to perfection that year that it almost felt like something was missing when they lost. Teammate at both LSU and with the Pats Jarvis Green wore Hill’s shoulder pads that season as a sign of remembrance. … There’s still a couple of days left in the Phish Ticket Contest! Anything can happen and there is no clear-cut winner yet so get some people to e-mail us some pics. Anyone can win a FREE TICKET! … You can now follow Decent Community on Twitter (Twitter.com/decentcommunity). More on this as soon as we get the hang of this Twitter thing, but so far we’ve been sharing brief nuggets of decency throughout the day.

Thursday Ramblings

I’m not scared of swine flu, and I will never wear one of those ridiculous surgical masks like the guys on ER. … So longtime U.S. Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) switched parties this week, deciding to jump on the Obama-led Democratic bandwagon. Screw Specter, who wasted government time looking into the Patriots Spygate issue and is now becoming a Dem just because he realizes he can’t win another Republican primary in Pa. I didn’t know you could switch parties just because you can’t win an election … So the Patriots didn’t do anything I had predicted in the NFL Draft last week, but they still had a great weekend. They picked up two extra second-round picks next year and boosted the secondary with Oregon safety Patrick Chung (Rodney Harrison’s replacement) and Connecticut cornerback Darius Butler. Tackle Sebastian Vollmer (6-7, 312 lbs.)  is the perfect project (Pats O-Line coach Dante Scarneccia will whip him into a solid player) and B.C. defensive takcle Ron Brace (6-3, 330lbs.) adds depth along the D-Line. … I always love calling out shitty sports announcers, and the MLB Netowrk took the cake this week. Matt Vasgersian, who fills in for Hazel Mae on the newtork’s nightly baseball highlights show, asked to see a replay of Brad Hawpe getting injured because he thought one of the security guards looked like Donovan McNabb. “I’m getting a message in my ear that we are still live,” he said as the producer reminded him not to be a dipshit into his earpiece. Maybe the producer should remind him again, because earlier this year he was caught swearing on a live broadcast. … Not only are the drug wars crippling Mexico, but now swine flu bursts in and sickens thousands. Mexico is on a destructive path back to third-world status. … Happy 27th birthday Kirsten Dunst, best known for her role as the whiney Mary Jane in the “Spider-Man” trilogy. Good luck guys, Dunst remains single today and has not been in a long-term relationship for a long time. She did bang Jake Gyllenhaal, though. … Happy 24th birthday to Ashley Dupre, dubbed “the most famous hooker in America” for her escort visits to former New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer. Although her 5 seconds of fame are up, some estimate she made as much as $1.4 million when her single “What We Want” blew up on the Internet when she was all over the news with the Spitzer thing. … Today marks the 64th anniversary of Hitler‘s death. What an asshole. … Also today, the World Wide Web was born to a Swedish company in 1993. It’s worth mentioning that the Web is NOT the Internet, but rather an application that makes the Internet user-friendly. … Cheers to Tubesteak for the decent design changes to the Community. … E-mails and photos are flying in for our Phish Ticket Contest. We’ll start counting them on May 1 and will have updates soon after.

Patriots Draft Preview

The 2009 NFL Draft is huge for the New England Patriots, with age seeming to creep into every position on the field, especially on the defensive side of the ball. So how is this important draft going to go down?

Ok, for starters, the Patriots currently have one first-round pick (No. 23) and three second-round selections (Nos. 2, 15 and 26). On top of that, they are picking twice in the third round (Nos. 25 and 33). broken down, the Pats have 6 picks in the top 97. Decent!

Obviously they won’t make all six selections. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in a draft where we have the potential flexibility we have this year,” Bill Belichick told reporters this week in his pre-draft press conference. “There has already been discussions with multiple teams regarding our multiple picks.”

Translation: The Pats are on the move! Here’s what I’d like to see:

Patriots trade their first-round pick (23) and a third-rounder to Denver for Denver’s No. 12 overall pick: The Broncos like this because they also have another pick from the Jay Cutler deal in the first round, and after spending like drunken sailors in free agency, will get some cost savings in selecting 18 and 23 (rather than 12). I hope the Pats take Malcom Jenkins, Cornerback from Ohio State. He’s the best corner in the draft, and is also the best safety, as some Draft gurus have projected him to move there. He’s got the size (6-0, 200lbs) to play either position and could be a long-term solution to an aging secondary.

Pats acquire Julius Peppers for the No. 2 pick in the second round: Peppers is a beast who can rush the passer and drop into coverage. Normally a defensive end, Peppers will be asked to play a more hybrid role with some outside linebacker. This move also signifies the replacement for Richard Seymour, who has had a stellar career full of Pro Bowls. As much as Big Rich is the man, he’s not getting any younger (he’s turning 30 during the upcoming season) and if there’s one thing that Patriots don’t do it’s pay big contracts to players over 30.

New England will probably trade one of its two remaining second-round picks for a 2 and a 3 next year. The Pats are always thinking ahead and the extra picks give them more flexibility next year. Which one (They have Nos. 15 and 26) depends who’s still available at that 15 spot and who might still be available at 26. USC’s Brian Cushing may slip to the 15 spot, while teammate Clay Matthews is also an option. But the two guys I like here are Cincinnati’s Connor Barwin, a 6-4, 256-pound beast of an outside linebacker, and Virginia’s Clint Sintim (6-3, 256), who played outside linebacker in college but is expected to transition into an inside backer in the pros. Also, Texas Tech Safety Darcel McBath (think highlight-reel type of safety) may be a good option late in the second round.

Depending on what happens earlier, the remaining third-round pick may be used on the offensive line (Matt Light’s not getting any younger) with tackle Phil Loadholt (6-8, 322) from Oklahoma or Oregon State guard Andy Levitre (6-3, 305).  Virginia running back Cedric Peerman (5-10, 216 with good pass protection skills) is also a nice option.

Day 2 (Round 4-7) is pretty much spent on value picks. Expect to see a lot of best available player taken, regardless of position. Maybe guys like Syracuse fullback Tony Fiammetta (former tight end), Clemson runing back James Davis (downhill physical runner), West Virginia QB Pat White (freak athlete), Ball State QB Nate Davis (strong arm), Stillman defensive tackle Sammie Lee Hill (6-4, 331 who dominated lesser competition at whatever Stillman college is), USC cornerback Cary Harris (coach’s dream type of work ethic), or Eastern Michigan tackle T.J. Lang (plays with a nasty demeanor) would make nice Pats in the later rounds.

Then again, the Pats could just draft someone nobody knows (Matt Cassel) and turn him into a player.

Have a good weekend everyone. Thursday Ramblings return next week as well as results of the first two Topes games and the details of our Phish Ticket Giveaway.