Nine Decent Jeopardy Facts

*I was watching Jeopardy tonight and was thinking about what a great show it is. Here’s some porn for Jeopardy fans courtesy of Neatorama:

1. The original name of the show was What’s the Question? After pitching it to the network brass, Merv Griffin decided to change the name to the catchier one we know today. The reason? One of the execs thought that the game was a great idea, but that the game needed more jeopardies. NBC ended up buying the show without even seeing a pilot.

2. The winner with the smallest amount of earnings at the end of the game managed to triumph over the other two contestants by keeping a mere dollar. On January 19, 1993, Air Force Lt. Col. Daryl Scott cleverly bid just enough to keep him afloat. The other contestants got the question wrong and lost everything. No one else has ever won by keeping a single George Washington. The answer? “His books ‘No Easy Walk to Freedom’ and ‘The Struggle is My Life’ were published during his imprisonment.” The question? “Who is Nelson Mandela.”

3. The infamous Final Jeopardy music has a name – it’s called “Time for Tony” and it was written by Merv Griffin as a lullaby for his son. If you’re familiar with the song, no doubt it’s not much of a lullaby to you – it serves more as a reminder that time is running out and you’d better hurry. It was tweaked a little bit and renamed “Think!” Over the years, Griffin estimated that royalties from the theme song earned him roughly $70 million.

4. The record for the largest one-day total ever belongs to Ken Jennings, of course. He’s the only contestant to surpass $52,000 in one day, and he surpassed it by a landslide with $75,000. Jennings actually holds 11 of the top 15 earnings spots. One of these top 15 spots was actually earned during Jeopardy! Kids Week by a 12-year-old from Virginia named Kunle Demuren, whose knowledge and quick buzzer finger earned him $49,000.

5. Back in the pre-Trebek era when Art Fleming was the host, contestants could start the audition process by just giving the office in New York a call. They would pass preliminary tests over the phone and then set up a date and time to audition in person if the were eligible. Once they made it to the actual office, potential contestants went through a written test and a faux game. These days, the audition process often starts on the Internet during designated testing times. Sometimes a “Brain Bus” also roams the country and tests Ken Jennings-wannabes.

6. In the show’s entire history, a three-way tie has only happened once. It happened fairly recently too – on March 16, 2007, every single contestant ended Final Jeopardy with $16,000. They all returned the following week to play again. You can see it happen here – Alex Trebek seems quite pleased.

7. “I Lost on Jeopardy” was released by Weird Al Yankovic in 1984. Original host Art Fleming has a cameo as himself and original announcer Don Pardo shows up to tell Yankovic all of the fabulous prizes he failed to win. The funny thing is, Weird Al was actually on Rock & Roll Jeopardy and lost to Gary Dell’Abate, better known as Howard Stern’s sidekick Baba Booey.

8. Julann Griffin, Merv’s wife, was integral to the development of the show. She helped him develop the unique answer-and-question format when they were on a plane ride to New York in the early ’60s. From 1964-1975, a piece Julann composed served as the theme to the show. It was called “Take Ten.”

9. If Alex Trebek seems a little condescending when he corrects players with wrong answers, as if he would know the answers himself even without his cheat sheet, well… he just might. Trebek is pretty brainy. Time magazine once asked him if there was an easy question that he ever didn’t know the answer to, and this was Trebek’s response:

We were doing some shows at Radio City Music Hall in New York City, and during the commercial breaks I’d go out and talk to the people in the audience. And a little boy stood up and asked, When was the Magna Carta signed? I said 1216. I was off by a year. I know a lot about the Magna Carta, but unfortunately I got the date wrong in front of 6,000 people.

He admits that he probably wouldn’t do too well if he actually had to participate on the show, though, due to his slow reflexes. Read more of Trebek’s interview with Time.

Decent Site of the Week: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

This week Decent Community thought we’d alert our readers about a new website dedicated to three of our favorite things: Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and sandwiches. So basic in its premise, Selleck Waterfall Sandwich simply presents images that combine Selleck, waterfalls, and sandwiches in all their glory.

Each picture contains a new sandwich, a new look at Selleck, and a new waterfall. I guess there’s only so many ways to describe this — but Selleck Waterfall Sandwich is definitely a decent idea. I’m actually a little embarassed we didn’t think of it first.

Joe Rogan — Prophet/Fear Factor Host

Who knew Joe Rogan was so deep? I guess watching people do crazy stunts like jumping off buildings, eating cockroaches, and being covered in tarantulas will cause you to look at things differently. Indeed, hosting Fear Factor makes you reassess.

He does present a very interesting theory here. And as a Community member who has ingested his fair share of psychedelics (mainly mass quantities of LSD), I’m kind of feeling what Rogan is preaching. Think about it — is he convincing your ass?

On a lighter note, did you know that Joe Rogan is related to Helmet Head? Yeah, I’m not sure exactly how they’re related, but they are. Don’t waste your time asking Helmet to get you on Fear Factor, because it’s no longer filming new episodes.

*All this info might be too heavy to digest. To better understand, listen below:

The Pharaoh is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

 

ALERT: PRESS PLAY BEFORE READING THIS POST

Just as the ancient Egyptians needed monarchs to guide them and provide their civilization with fruitful bounties, so does The Community. Whether it’s teachings, deliverence, or even salvation — sustenance from a higher authority is integral to our soul. That’s why this week we’re saluting The Pharaoh by naming him our Decent Bastard of the Week.

Go back twelve years or so to a simpler time when rap music, sports, dime bags, and busting heads were the primary concerns of many. That was the height of The Pharaoh’s reign. Dropping heavy beats, football knowledge, and shwag herbs with a slew of rough characters he welcomed to his domain, The Pharaoh served as figurehead to a kingdom unrivaled to this day. He also had a huge fucking TV and a pitbull.

And while you may think The Pharaoh was a thug by the description above, in fact he was as gentle as they come. Therein lies the greatness of The Pharaoh. His lifestyle and what he projected were exactly what his community so desperately needed during this time period. Whether he was dishing out a bag of grass or a can of whoopass, he was doing it for the greater good.

The Pharaoh’s reign may not be as robust as it was twelve years ago, but that doesn’t mean he’s no longer The Pharaoh. Nay. In fact, it’s The Communty’s stance that The Pharaoh’s dynasty is still in its infancy. Because while he took power at a young age, The Pharoah’s virtues (and his love for weed) will never die. Teach us great Pharaoh! Teach us!

Decent Cartoons

Talking about classic cartoons is always a delightful trip down memory lane. Remember those days after school and on weekends watching Woody Woodpecker, Bugs Bunny, The Jetsons or The Flintstones?

About.com recently put together a list of the Top 50 Cartoon Characters. It’s a good read with pictures and short explanations of the ranking. The top 10 are Bugs Bunny, Homer Simpson, Mickey Mouse, Bart Simpson, Charlie Brown, Fred Flintstone, The Grinch, Popeye, Wile E. Coyote, and Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Pretty decent list, but here are some that in my opinion are a little out-of-place.

Most Overrated

No 7. The Grinch: Iconic, yes, but to make the top 10, you should have more than just one seasonal special.

No. 16 Mr. Magoo: Classic, yes, but not mainstream enough to be ahead of Woody Woodpecker (No. 38), Tweety Bird and Sylvester (No. 24), etc.

No. 22 Gumby: Not a cartoon. Enough said.

Most Underrated

No. 15 Scooby-Doo and Shagy: These guys have to be in the top 10. Period.

No. 34 Yogi Bear: So being smarter than the average bear only gets you to No. 34. The 10-15 range sounds more suiting.

No. 39 Tom and Jerry: When a cartoon has been around in one format or the other since the 1940s, the top 10 should be automatic.

Comcast To Introduce Negative Channel Numbers

comcast box

Comcast believes negative numbers will help revive the company's reputation.

Reuters — Comcast, the No. 1 U.S. cable operator, plans to unveil negative numbers into their cable listings in order to address impending complications to their sevice, as well as customer confidence shortfalls.

Struggling with mounting customer dissatisfaction and an increasing number of channels, the head of Comast’s cable arm, Byron Logdini, announced on Monday the planned switch to take place in January 2010.

“Number one, we’re running out of channel numbers, and our boxes won’t display numbers over 999,” said Logdini. “To go along with that, we feel this may be a fun development for those who fear we’ve essentially become an automated media conglomerate. We have a creative side.”

When asked to further explain, Logdini quipped, “Let’s put it this way: negative customer satisfaction and negative channel listings will result in a postitive.”

Logdini credited Comcast’s Creative Director Marsha Aaronson with concepting the idea, which they hope “will salvage their reputation as an uninspired money-hoarding monopoly.”

“By offering negative-numbered channels, Comcast is proving we’re capable of thinking outside the box,” said Ms. Aaronson. “It’s a statement embodying creative problem-solving. It says, ‘we’ll address customer needs in imaginative ways.’ Our customers will begin to see us in a more positive light — which is ironic seeing how we’re introducing negative channel listings.”

The company’s representatives detailed the specifics of their ‘negative’ campaign, which will be outlined in mailings to customers in the upcoming months. All cable boxes are capable of adding a negative dash to their box display. There will be no channel zero and their On-Demand services will remain at channel one.

It’s still unclear which channels will be designated with negative channel listings, however many industry speculators have suggested that inferior channels such as MTV, Country Music Television, Fox News, The WB, Lifetime, and the Speed Channel should receive strong consideration for the negative classification.

Andy Bernard is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

With the return of The Office for the fall season, The Community felt it pertinent to honor one of our favorite characters, Andy “The Nard Dog” Bernard as our Decent Bastard of the Week. Played by the venerable Ed Helms, The Nard Dog is a walking hilarity. Always well-intentioned, a tad pompous, and possessing an arsenal of biographical buffoonery, Andy Bernard is and out-and-out scene stealer — a solid gold decent bastard!

Why do we love him? Because we admire his style. Namely, his love for partying, his back-rubbing skills, his fondness for tossing the disc, his ability to dish out decent nicknames, his affinity for pig latin, his passion for music (both singing and jamming on the banjo), his fancy for inner-tubing, and his unbelievable fashion sense. Nard Dog says things like this:

“I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses – hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.”

Sounds decent, huh? Well, Andy Bernard also has nice rides — a Nissan Xterra (“rugged yet luxurious”) and a Toyota Prius. He once shot an 80-lb shark off Montauk with a rifle, and even worked for Abercrombie and Fitch as a travelling salesman. We can’t mention The Nard Dog without noting his Ivy League pedigree (Cornell, obviously), and his well-heeled WASPY lineage, which “goes all the way back to Moses”.

Of course, no man is without faults — and The Nard Dog is no exception. He does have anger management problems and poor taste in ladies (Angela). Andy could get laid a little more too. But these are essentially humanizing aspects of his makeup. Because if he didn’t have anger issues and got laid non-stop, The Nard Dog’s character would be unbelievable in his greatness. Instead, he’s straight decent — a remarkable bastard from a 360 degree vantage.

Interview with Dave Coulier

Best known as Joseph “Joey” Gladstone (or Uncle Joey) on Full House, comic Dave Coulier is currently voicing the role of Bob McKenzie on the Canadian animated series Bob & Doug (same Bob and Doug of Strange Brew fame). A master of impersonation and voice distortion, Mr Coulier was decent enough to lend us his time to rap about hockey, celebs, Francopehlia, and beef on his car ride to the deli.

DC: Hey Mr. Coulier. Thanks for granting us an interview.

DAVE: Not a problem. What are you guys again? Decent Community? Not to be rude, but what is that?

DC: We write about things that are decent. Kind of our own idea of what is cool and decent. Stuff like that.

DAVE: OK. I’m driving to the deli right now. What do you wanna talk about?

DC: Whatever, really. What are you picking up at the deli?

DAVE: Probably some pastrami. Roast beef. Cheese. Maybe salami. Who knows… I don’t even eat the shit. I just like to make shapes out of the meat.

DC: Huh? Shapes out of the meat?

DAVE: Yeah, just make my own designs. Sliced meat sculptures and meat statues…

DC: Cool, man! Is Coulier a French name?

DAVE: Ha. I get that a lot. I’m half Canadian. My mother’s from New Brunswick so everyone assumes I’m French-Canadian. Not the case at all. (in a deep-voiced french impersonation) But I can be a stinky Frenchman if you want me to. And talk like this…

DC: Yeah, I kind of like that voice if you don’t mind.

DAVE: (In a deep-voiced french impersonation) I am Claude! Do you like to party? Well, doooo you? I am having a hockey party at my chateau to watch le Stanley Coup. Ooh la la!

DC: Keep going Coulier! I love it!

DAVE: No, that’s enough. You ruined it.

DC: What do you mean I ruined it? No more?

DAVE: Sorry. You ruined it.

DC: Alright then. Question for you: What’s the best part of being on one of the most legendary sitcoms of all-time?

DAVE: No Full House questions. Wanna hear about my new show?

DC: Sure.

DAVE: Nope. You ruined it again.

DC: OK. Sorry. I’m not sure how I ruined it, but…ah…

DAVE: Did you research me before this interview?

DC: We did a brief kind of background check. We mostly know you from Full House. We also know you’re a celebrity hockey player.

DAVE: Ah, you have done a little homework. Decent (sarcastic voice).

DC: Who is the best celebrity hockey player you’ve played with?

DAVE: It’d have to be a tie between Alan Thicke and Jason Priestly.

DC: Sweet! Those our two of our Community’s favorite people!

DAVE: I have to go. I’m pulling into the deli.

DC: Thanks for your time Mr. Coulier.

DAVE: (click.)

Patrick Swayze Was One Decent Dude

Patrick Swayze passed away at 57 Monday evening after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer. Why was Swayze so decent?

  • No one made chicks’ panties damper than he did during his prime days from 1987-91, when he starred in “Dirty Dancing,” “Ghost” and “Point Break.” He was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1991.
  • The song he sang on the “Dirty Dancing” Soundtrack, She’s Like the Wind, became such a big hit, it was covered in European concerts by David Hasselhoff.
  • Swayze was never caught driving drunk, but he almost got busted flying drunk. He had to make an emergency landing in a single-engine plane he was flying in 2000 and reports were that he was extremely hammered at the time. He even allegedly asked people who came out to see what was up with a plane int he middle of the road for help getting rid of a 30-pack and an open bottle of wine before the cops showed up.
  • While many of today’s celebrities have many relationships and affairs during their time. Swayze reportedly was a man of honor. He met his wife in 1970 when he was 18 and she was 14. They married five years later and remained married until his death.
  • Swayze co-starred in one of the best Saturday Night Live skits of all time: The Chipendales tryout with Chris Farley ( watch it below).

Rest in Peace, Patrick Swayze, from all of us here at Decent Community.

I want to get arrested in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana

Why, in God’s name, do I want to get cuffed and put in the back of a police car in bumfuck, Louisiana? Because the arresting officer might be none other than Steven Seagal!

The man, the myth, the legend himself is a fully commissioned deputy with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office. He has been for more than 20 years! That’s right, Seagal is a cop, and he’s one cop I wouldn’t cross.

Apparently, Seagal does more than ride around in a cop car looking for kids smoking joints. He works with their SWAT team and trains officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

Everyone is going to get a chance to see Seagal in action when the A&E Network debuts “Lawman,” a reality show following the star of “Under Seige,” “Hard to Kill,” and “Marked for Death” on the streets of Louisiana busting bad guys.

According to a press release from A&E, the show will “will allow fans to ride shotgun with Seagal as he and his hand-selected elite team of deputies respond to crimes in progress. Then, when Seagal goes off duty, the cameras will continue following him as he pursues his many ventures, including musical performances and philanthropic efforts in Jefferson Parish and New Orleans.”

Next step: Move to Jefferson Parish, cause some trouble (but not too much that would keep me away from Decent Community for an extended period of time) and hope than Seagal is the one busting me. I pity the dudes who choose to resist arrest when Seagal has them on his radar.

Interview with Chuck Woolery

NOTE: Over the past few weeks, Decent Community has put out feelers to interesting/cool/decent people for an ongoing interview series that we’ll feature on the website. Chuck Woolery agreed to be our first interview.

Best known for his legendary run on Love Connection, beloved game show host Chuck Woolery is now the spokesperson for LoveTactics.com, a best-selling book and online guide that helps men win over the one they want. Chuck, a devout Christian, took some time away from the pool to talk to us about the gameshows, fruit, music and his website. And if you want to check out more of Chuck Woolery’s new online service, check out LoveTactics.com.

DC: Woolery, our website is a big fan of your breed – people who embody decency.

CW: Thank you very much. I’ve always strived to be a decent human being in all aspects of my life.

DC: Do you think your surplus of decency factored into your extraordinary run of success as a television game show host?

CW: I certainly think that was part of it. There’s no doubt I have alluring qualities. I suppose being decent could be thrown in there as well.

DC: Do you think you’re better than Trebek?

CW: We’re two different animals. He’s more brains, and I’m…well…look at me. I’m more beauty. Someone like Sajak is more Woolery-esque – but I still blow that fraud out the water. (sigh) (laugh)

DC: Definitely agreed. So, we heard you’re a big music buff. What are you listening to right now?

CW: At this moment, I’ve got some Steve Miller Band playing on my outdoor speakers. I think it’s the album that came out right before The Joker – ya know, before Miller sold his soul.

DC: We didn’t know that was your scene. Wow. That’s cool.

CW: Thanks. Just trying to be decent. (laugh) (sigh)

DC: Why do you think gay men are called “fruity” or associated with “fruit”?

CW: That’s a misconception. Everyone loves fruit and everyone should eat fruit. I think some guy probably thought it sounded good, thought it fit, and a bunch of people just ran with it. I mean, I like fruit. Do you?

DC: Yeah. Fruit is great.

CW: See what I mean?

DC: I do, definitely. You’re pretty good Woolery. I always knew you were good, but not this good.

CW: Well, I’ve had three wives, so a lot of people think I’m pretty good.

DC. No idea you’ve had three wives. With that, and your experience on Love Connection, you probably have some valuable insights.

CW: I do, and that’s one of the reasons I started LoveTactics.com. I’m well versed in the ways of the woman and I really want to share my knowledge with people who don’t have as much experience as I do. (laugh) (sigh)

DC: We’ll be sure to check out your website. Thanks so much for your time Mr. Woolery. You’re a very decent guy, and we’re thankful you agreed to this interview.

CW: It was my pleasure. Have a great day.

Notorious Drug Abusing Puppets

A look back at some of the addict puppets we grew up with:

The Swedish Chef: Dude was absolutely nuts in the kitchen, slurring his speech, throwing ingredients this way and that. He’s cooked a real moose instead of chocolate moose, shot vegetables with a shotgun, hit meatballs with a tennis racquet, and played basketball with a live chicken. The Swedish Chef was an abuser of psychedelic mushrooms and an occasional user of mescaline.

 

 

 

 

 

Snuflleupagus: Old friend “Snuffy” put his gigantic shnoz to good use, sniffing paint and glue as no pseudo Woolly Mammoth should. The hapless scapegoat of Big Bird could barely walk, talked slower than a retard from back country Georgia, and had his ears disintegrated due to inhalation of about 1 billion chemicals.

 

 

Janice: The lead guitar player in Electric Mayhem, Janice emitted a vibe that was half Joni Mitchell, half Depeche Mode. She was a grass fiend who also dabbled in cocaine — yet she still managed to maintain strong technical abilities when letting loose on her axe.

Beaker: An obvious acid fiend (just look at the guy), our freak scientist has been shrunk, cloned, deflated, turned invisible, and blown up, but he always comes back for more LSD. When Beaker was high on doses, all he could say was “mee, mee, mee,” which basically meant “You better whip up some more acid Dr. Honeydew.”

 

 

Animal: His unbelievably powerful and fast foot could be attributed to 20 shots of vodka before every set. Animal’s serious heroin habit and addiction to anxiety pills proved to be an altogether potent cocktail. He was straight up maniacal when it came to jamming and ingesting drugs, and his demented demeanor eventually permeated all aspects of Animal’s frenzied existence.

Zoot: Cool cat Zoot (what a chill name!) is an aging burnout who digs his jazz, his drugs, and not much else. With a hairdo to kill for, Zoot zones out playing extended sax jams while high on just about anything he can score. He’s been hooked on herb, smack, and malt liquor — all of which enabled him to enter a self described “performance mode.”

 

 

Dr. Teeth: A George Clinton/Dr. John-ish leader of Electric Mayhem, Dr. Teeth is a social user of drugs. Problem for him, he’s the most social dude around! Sporting a huge grin and a perpetual finger point, Dr. Teeth can party with the most hard-core puppets due to his absurd tolerance for dope of all sorts.

Boober: This Fraggle Rock stoner got high to the point of depression, where all he would do is wash socks (despite the fact that no fraggles wore socks). He’s negative, nervous, and a consumate loner. Kind of an EMO-type addict, Boober was said to go through two ounces of weed per week, occasionally shoot up, and never show his eyes.

Report: Erin Andrews Sex Videos Hitting The Internet

By AARON HENRY
The Los Angeles Times

LOS ANGELES — Videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews having sex with sports stars and company executives are going to hit the Web soon, paparazzi Web site TMZ said in a report confirmed by The Associated Press late Sunday night.

The perp who filmed the video through a hotel room peephole of Andrews ironing naked worked for an ESPN production crew and took several similar videos over the past year. His identity is being protected by TMZ.com, which is active discussions to buy the videos, the AP has confirmed.

TMZ also has not identified which executives and sports stars Andrews is in action with, but a spokeswoman for the popular celebrity gossip site did say people will be very surprised at who hopped in bed with the blonde sideline bombshell.

“There are some squeaky clean images that could be ruined when this hits the Web,” TMZ spokeswoman Heather Auclair said. “Apparently, Miss. Andrews has good taste because these are some of the most successful, wealthiest stars in sports entertainment.”

TMZ is in active discussions with the perp, who has not been identified as of late Sunday night, to purchase the videos. Auclair wouldn’t comment on the site’s plans for the videos or a potential price, but a legal expert interviewed by the AP hinted that they may be available on a subscription-based, Web-only service.

“They cannot be produced and marketed for mass commercial release without Andrews’ consent, but the law is foggy on an Internet-based distribution. This isn’t like the Paris Hilton scandal when she actively acknowledged being filmed,” said Robert Goldstein of Phaneuf, Goldstein and Rudman P.L C., an L.A.-based law firm specializing in privacy and copyright lawsuits. “Say they reach an agreement to purchase the videos and put them up, it could be years of litigation because before the suit is heard as the law hasn’t fully caught up with some aspects of the Internet yet.”

… Read more of Aaron Henry’s story on the Los Angeles Times’ Website, www.latimes.com.

Knowing a Pseudo-Celebrity

Boston Rob -- a classic pseudo-celeb

You know you’ve heard it before: “Oh my God! My friend’s cousin’s roommate was a contestant on The Bachelor” or “I know a guy who played high school football with some dude who went on Fear Factor.” or “My uncle’s ex-wife’s sister was on Blind Date.” These statements are followed by a pause and then something like, “Isn’t that cool?” — which basically translates into “Aren’t I cool?” Not really, mon frere. It’s not like you know Stallone, or Obama, or Pamela Anderson!

In today’s celeb-obsessed culture, with reality TV and YouTube sensations, the meaning of “fame” has become a bit ambiguous. I mean, what makes someone famous and when is it cool to know a celeb?

“My friend tried out for American Idol and made it to Hollywood after singing ‘Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.’ Can’t you see I’m cool? Oh and by the way, my boy got in a fight with that guy from the Real World at a strip club. Cool shit, eh? I’m gonna tell everyone about it.”

No. Sorry. You’re not decent because you know someone who has been on TV. In fact, you’re less decent if you’re flaunting your flimsy association around. Because, for the most part, these pseudo-celebrity wannabes are douchebags who seek the limelight — but fail to seek decency. So unless these mock celebs are somehow improving your lifestyle, you’ll come off far better boasting about people relevant to you than some bogus fame pirate who brings zero shit to the table.

Thursday Ramblings

shamwow.jpg image by jennafish2

So by now you’ve probably heard the ShamWow! guy was recently arrested for beating up a hooker in Miami. Sounds like a classy guy. But I’ve found a few other interesting tidbits about Vince Shlomi (he also goes by Vince Offer). He was the driving force behind the failing Underground Comedy Movie, a DVD he sold on late-night infomercials a few years back featuring stupid skits and toilet humor. You gotta wonder why the New York Post said it “may be the least amusing comedy ever made” considering one of the selling points in the infomercial was “girls taking a shit.” Aside from the ShamWow! (You following me, cameraman?), Offer, who also used to be a Scientologist, also sells the Slap Chop, featuring lines like “you’re gonna love my nuts” and “fetucini, linguini, martini, bikini.” … What the hell is up with Twitter? Everywhere I turn, every Web site or TV show I’m watching, people are talking about Twitter. I’ve never tried Twitter, but Tubesteak said it sucks, and he knows what he’s talking about. I’ll try Twitter when hell freezes over and I signup for…  I’m not on Facebook, and I think I finally figured out why. Everytime I see someone glancing around Facebook, I see pictures of big groups of people, most of the time wearing some sort of costumes, all having fun at these wild and crazy parties. Or there are pictures of beautiful chicks in European countries or partying on the beach. I guess I just don’t have enough fun to be on Facebook … Today is International Children’s Book Day so I’d like to give a shoutout to some of my favorite books as a kid. As a youngster, I got psyched to read the Berenstain Bears, Babar and my favorite Dr. Seuss book: The Lorax. … Happy 38th birthday to ZEEBRA! Don’t know who ZEEBRA is? He’s the founder of modern hip hop in Japan. … So The Denver Broncos are going to trade Pro Bowl QB Jay Cutler. Tell me the Chiefs aren’t lining up for a Cutler-Matt Cassel deal. Josh McDaniels gets the QB he wanted all along, and the Chiefs get a better QB than Cassel, who probably sucks without Randy Moss, Wes Welker and the best coaching staff on the planet. Don’t know if Denver would be willing to trade in the division though. … I’d like to give another shoutout today, this one to a buddy of mine from Dartmouth who used to work at the good ole’ Standard-Times in New Beige. Nick Tavares was recently featured in the Uni Watch on ESPN.com about making his own Bruins jersey. I’m oficially sick of hearing the word “economy.” … Dear MTV, If you want the Real World to be cool again, try putting more sluts on. Sad state of society? Yes, but good TV? Absolutely. … … Totally awesome concert tour was announced this week. Widespread Panic will be touring with the Allman Brothers Band. The local show is Aug. 29 at Great Woods in Mansfield, Mass. …  Chapter 1 of Decent Community’s They Make Movies Better Than They Used To: The Prestige, Sin City and 300.

Thursday Ramblings

 

As previously reported, I’ve been playing video games for a long time. At the game Developers Conference going on right now in San Francisco, a company called OnLive is working on a service that streams video games right to your TV. In summary, play these new video games without going out and spending mad cash on a XBOX360 or Playstation 3. Sounds like a good idea. … Also out of the GDC, Nintendo is making a remake of Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! Soon, people with a Wii will be able to play as Little Mac and beat up on Glass Joe, Piston Honda and Bald Bull again. Decent. … Ya, last week I said Arizona was weak and I will never pick them again. Then the Wildcats go out and win two games to reach the Sweet Sixteen. Shows what I know, albeit they beat Cleveland State to get this far … UConn is not winning this tournament. Although it leads the NCAA in the team that commits the least amount of fouls, it’s just a matter of time until teams attack their big 7-foot-4 center and sit him on the bench with foul trouble. See Greg Oden a few years ago for more on this strategy …  Happy birthday to a pair of hotties. Pirates of the Caribbean gal Keira Knightley turns 24 today while Playboy chick Sara Jean Underwood becomes the big 2-5. Also celebrating birthdays today: Sopranos’ Michael Imperoli (43), Martin Short (59) and Steven Tyler (61). …   I’d like to take a few  brief moments to give a thumbs up to Tubesteak and Helmet Head. Neither of these two brothers  in decency is a professional writer, yet their posts are well-written, clear and concise. Putting a sentence together, and stringing sentences together into a readable thought, is not easy, yet these two civilian bloggers do it with ease. A quick run through some of wordpress’ other offerings will show you just how solid these two are. … Speaking of Helmet Head, I love his Bored? series. I hope he’s working on a Bored? Get High and Watch Planet Earth in HD on the Discovery Channel piece … I heard a rumor that the star of the recent DC Short Jam: The Deceptive Rogue will be doing a celebrity appearance at the Rose Alley Ale House in New Bedford Friday and Saturday night. … Chapter 6 of Decent Community’s They Don’t Make Movies Like They Used To: The Running Man, Under Siege and Spies Like Us.

Death By Sex

Caught an episode of Spike TV’s “1,000 Ways to Die” the other night. It’s an interesting show that illustrates some of the weird way people have died. All portrayals are true stories, but the company changes the names to protect the deceased. How respectful.

Anyway, here’s some of its most interesting ways to die.

Death by Sex

Married Asian couple never does the deed. Never have. Ever. They both hyperventilate and get really short of breath when things get hot and heavy that they never go through with it. Dude gets fed up after seven years, brings home a bottle of wine and finally looks like he is going to score. They start doing it. Yes it’s working. The orgasms are too much for their systems to handle. They both die at the same time from heart attacks. What a way to go.

Death by Pepper Spray Up Your Ass

Cop approaches a dude. Being recently released from prison, the dude doesn’t want the Po-po finding his can of pepper spray, so it shoves it up his ass. Bad idea. Cop tosses the dude against his truck. The impact triggers the pepper spray, which shoots up his ass and torches his colon. That sucks. 

Death by Wanting to Join Imaginary Furry Orgy

Dude eats a huge bag of mushrooms. Dude starts tripping and hallucinating so hard. He’s like that whacked-out dude at Phish in the 90s times 100! He starts wondering around in the desert. He thinks he sees a group of furries, half-woman, half-animal things that Wikipedia seems to know a lot about. He whips it out and starts humping around. Thinks that huge brown bear over there is a hot furry. Bear mauls him to shreds. Ouch.

Death by Sex-Ray

Some guy is getting x-rays taken of his head. Lays down and gets into the x-ray machine. Doctor and nurse start getting it on in the little control room off to the side. He’s boning her hard. They’re slamming into all sorts of stuff. They keep hitting the x-ray button, taking mad x-rays. The guy dies from radiation exposure from so many x-rays. Not decent.

Death by Drinking Gas

Drunk criminal decides to hide out in the woods. He’s chugging booze, enjoying the fruits of a recent bank robbery. He kills his bottle of whiskey but doesn’t want to go to a store and get more. He figures his face will be on the News and whatnot. He’s wicked smart. He decided to syphon gas out of his motorcycle, because he heard gas has ethanol in it, and ethanol can get you drunk. He’s the man, gonna keep his buzz going. He takes a big swig of gas. He gets really sick in seconds, his mouth burning. His stomach on fire. He pukes up gas into the camp fire. Bad idea. Stream of puke catches fire, burning him to death from the inside. Mega ouch.

To watch some videos, or for more information about the show, click here.

Thursday Ramblings

Phish announced more tour dates for this summer, including a stop over in Hartford, Conn. The Boston Globe is reporting that there’s talk of the band playing at Fenway. How decent would that be?… Amusing news out of a small Texas town this week. The Montague County Jail was recently shut down and renovated after the new sheriff discovered it was more like a frat house than a jail. An inmate blew the whistle, sending a letter to a local politician complaining that a female prison guard was visiting his cell late at night to bone him! Prisoners were doing drugs and screwing guards and other inmates at will! Maybe karma catches up with people because the guy who blew the whistle on the coolest jail ever had his name published in several news outlets and remains in the same jail with the same inmates who just had their cushy stays ruined. Hate to be in the shower with that guy … I’m not going to get into the whole the church is out of touch debate, but the Pope is currently in the middle of a 10-day tour of Africa and he reinforced the long-standing stance of anti-condoms to a continent that has some absurd 50 percent AIDS rate. Can we just call in the common-sense court on this one? … With all the big NFL news this week (Pats in pursuit of Julius Peppers, who would be a beast in a New England uniform), it was easy to overlook a minor move by the Washington Redskins, who resigned kicker Shaun Suishamto a 1-year, 1.01-million contract. Suisham was THE WORST KICKER IN THE LEAGUE LAST YEAR, only hitting 72 percent of field goals. In summary, the Redskins paid more than $400,000 over the league minimum for the worst kicker in the game. Wonder why they suck so bad … I will never pick Arizona to win another NCAA Tournament game again. They make it every year and I always pick them towin one, maybe two games, and they always disappoint. Never again. Same with Duke. Sure, the school has a No. 2 seed, but does anyone really see Duke winning more than two games? … Michael Jordan made his first return to the NBA 14 years ago today, wearing No. 45 and scoring 19 points for the Bulls. Chicago went on to win three more titles after Jordan’s return. Did you know that Jordan also scored 19 points in his first game with Washington? On a side note, Magic Johnson also scored 19 points in his coming-out-of-retirement game in June 1996. … Happy 54th birthday to Bruce Willis. Die Hard rules! … … Chapter 5 of Decent Community’s They Don’t Make Movies Like They Used To: The Goonies, Stripes and Back to the Future Part II.

Thursday Ramblings

Those damn cops! Police made almost 200 arrests last weekend at Phish’s 3-day return in Hampton, Virginia. The toughguy cops seized more than $1.2 million in drugs and $68,000 in cash from concert-goers, the AP reported. A reminder for fans heading to Mansfield in June: Possession of less than an ounce of cheeba is not an arrestable offense anymore. Mushroom, Acid and tanks of NO2 are not included. Use caution people. … If you’re still searching for a ticket, don’t forget that Decent Community is giving away a ticket to the Phish show. Details to come. … Farewell to Bill Buchanan, the former Director of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) on 24. Buchanan, played by James Morrison, died in Monday’s episode saving Jack, the President and a bunch of hostages. Happy trails. … I’ve been playing video games for a long time, and generally snicker at the “are video games too violent for society” debate. However, I think I’ve found the other side of the coin. Rapelay, a computer game released in Japan recently, is causing a stir over the Internet over its content. Basically, you start off cornering a mother and her two daughters in a subway. The goal is then to capture them and rape them. It gets even more absurd: If one of them gets pregnant, you have to force them to have an abortion. It also features multiplayer, where you can link up with friends over the Internet to gangrape. My boy on CNN Rick Sanchez did a great job blasting the game this week. What is the world coming to?… So old friend Pedro Martinez is still unemployed and back to doing nothing after the Dominican Republic was eliminated from the World Baseball Classic by the Netherlands. While many players choose not to participate in the tournament, Pedro did nothing but help his case for another shot at pitching in the bigs. He pitched a total of six shutout innings, allowing only one hit and fanning six. Granted it came against a bunch of minor-leagers. … Happy 56th birthday to the Godfather of Porn, Ron Jeremy. Nicknamed “The Hedgehog,” Jeremy, who claims to have a 9.25-inch dong, is probably most widely known for being able to suck his own wang, which Wikipedia says he first demonstrated on film in “Inside Seka.” I don’t know if I can, or should do this, but here’s a link to a Rom Jeremy porno. … Happy 44th birthday to ESPN SportsCenter anchor Steve Levy. Although he’s not as cool as Scott Van Pelt or Neil Everett on the network, Levy is decent for banging former NESN hottie and current MLB Network hottie Hazel Mae. … Chapter 4 of Decent Community’s They Don’t Make Movies Like They Used To: Robocop, Ghostbusters and SpaceBalls.

Decent Bastard of the Week: BlaccuWeather Correspondent Ollie Williams

Ollie Williams is the decent black meteorologist for Quahog 5 News’ weather segment: The BlaccuWeather forecast! His decent reports are very loud, quick and to the point, such as ” I’M IN THE WRONG AIRPORT”;  “EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE ANTS”; “IT’S RAINING SIDEWAYS”; and “HE’S GONNA GET IT!”

Decent Community made the trek to the Ocean State to break the good news to Ollie himself:

DC: Ollie, congratulations, you’re Decent Community’s Decent Bastard of the Week.
OW: THANK YOU
DC: How does it feel to be Decent Bastard of the Week?
OW: DECENT!
DC: What’s that you’re holding in your hand?
OW: HAM SANDWICH
DC: Where’s you get it?
OW: VENDING MACHINE
DC: How does it taste?
OW: LIKE CARDBOARD
DC:Alright, well congrats man. Hey, what’s the BlaccuWeather forecast for New Bedford tomorrow?
OW: PARTLY SUNNY