Our Favorite Facebook.com Status Updates

Here is a short list of our favorite Facebook.com status updates.

“One of those days :-(“ — It sure is.

“I need to work on my McConaughey” — I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this.

“When will I see my Thad again?” — That’s right.  “Thad”!

Video game updates — All day I was wondering if Donny completed the “Manage a Chop Shop” mission in Mobsters 2…  And now I know.

“Watching Jersey Shore” — Great show.

“Happy New Year!” — Can’t go wrong with a good old fashioned HNY.

“Just watched ‘He’s Not That Into You’…  Good movie wish I had seen it sooner!  Lol.” — What!?  He’s right, it is good!

“Out and about.  Where you at?” —  Is this a rhetorical question?

“Picking my nose… Can’t decide if I should eat it or not” — I swear I saw this and the person who posted it is older than 8.

“I just pooped my butt cheeks” — Different person, but again, older than 8.

“Staining my new book shelves” — Why on earth would you ever announce to the World that you are doing this?

And in the just when you think it can’t get any worse department:  When researching this post I came to learn that their are websites independent of Facebook.com solely dedicated to posting “funny” Facebook.com status updates…  I feel a little dirty.

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Tales From The Handicap Bathroom

restroom-signs-man-woman-handicap

dear decent community,

you ever use one of those ‘low flush’ toilets where there isn’t much water in the toilet?  well we’ve got one here at work in the crapper i use and i dropped a BOMB this morning, not solid, but not rhea, i wiped a bunch of times to get the remnants from my bung and got up to flush… there was a shitpile bigger than a softball sitting on the porcelain just above the water line with most of the TP falling to the side of it… i promptly gagged and flushed… the water grabbed the still dry paper and pulled that down, but didn’t get the shit, it just slid it down toward the hole, the dry paper clogged the toilet and left the shit pile sitting alone in the hole of the bowl with almost no water… this is the handicap bathroom in our office that a TON of people use because it is the only place you can go in and lock the door and have your own bathroom to yourself (a one seater if you will) and it is in a high foot traffic area (3 ppl turdburgled me while i was taking this dump) so i was face with either grabbing the plunger and basically pushing my shit down the hole, or trying to get out of there without anyone seeing me flee the scene.  I chose the plunger.  I got to the point where most of the shit was pressed down into the hole, but there was so little water in the bowl i couldn’t get good suction seal w/the plunger and was splashing poopy water all over the place.  I pulled the plunger out and flushed again… nothing… but water did fill the bowl so i got a better plunge – i flushed again and everything went down, BUT 2 things were absolutely wrong about the end result, #1 it looked like someone took a brown paintbrush to the toilet and #2 there was a piece of walnut on the side of the plunger and (to my knowledge) is still there sitting behind the toilet… i feel like i can still smell the poo stink on me.

regards,

jordache

Interview with Dave Coulier

Best known as Joseph “Joey” Gladstone (or Uncle Joey) on Full House, comic Dave Coulier is currently voicing the role of Bob McKenzie on the Canadian animated series Bob & Doug (same Bob and Doug of Strange Brew fame). A master of impersonation and voice distortion, Mr Coulier was decent enough to lend us his time to rap about hockey, celebs, Francopehlia, and beef on his car ride to the deli.

DC: Hey Mr. Coulier. Thanks for granting us an interview.

DAVE: Not a problem. What are you guys again? Decent Community? Not to be rude, but what is that?

DC: We write about things that are decent. Kind of our own idea of what is cool and decent. Stuff like that.

DAVE: OK. I’m driving to the deli right now. What do you wanna talk about?

DC: Whatever, really. What are you picking up at the deli?

DAVE: Probably some pastrami. Roast beef. Cheese. Maybe salami. Who knows… I don’t even eat the shit. I just like to make shapes out of the meat.

DC: Huh? Shapes out of the meat?

DAVE: Yeah, just make my own designs. Sliced meat sculptures and meat statues…

DC: Cool, man! Is Coulier a French name?

DAVE: Ha. I get that a lot. I’m half Canadian. My mother’s from New Brunswick so everyone assumes I’m French-Canadian. Not the case at all. (in a deep-voiced french impersonation) But I can be a stinky Frenchman if you want me to. And talk like this…

DC: Yeah, I kind of like that voice if you don’t mind.

DAVE: (In a deep-voiced french impersonation) I am Claude! Do you like to party? Well, doooo you? I am having a hockey party at my chateau to watch le Stanley Coup. Ooh la la!

DC: Keep going Coulier! I love it!

DAVE: No, that’s enough. You ruined it.

DC: What do you mean I ruined it? No more?

DAVE: Sorry. You ruined it.

DC: Alright then. Question for you: What’s the best part of being on one of the most legendary sitcoms of all-time?

DAVE: No Full House questions. Wanna hear about my new show?

DC: Sure.

DAVE: Nope. You ruined it again.

DC: OK. Sorry. I’m not sure how I ruined it, but…ah…

DAVE: Did you research me before this interview?

DC: We did a brief kind of background check. We mostly know you from Full House. We also know you’re a celebrity hockey player.

DAVE: Ah, you have done a little homework. Decent (sarcastic voice).

DC: Who is the best celebrity hockey player you’ve played with?

DAVE: It’d have to be a tie between Alan Thicke and Jason Priestly.

DC: Sweet! Those our two of our Community’s favorite people!

DAVE: I have to go. I’m pulling into the deli.

DC: Thanks for your time Mr. Coulier.

DAVE: (click.)

A Decent Fall Outfit

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Undoubtedly Urban Outfitters give me a boner and the outfits they supply are straight up horn-inducing.  Unlike Tube, however, I don’t have such a singular allegiance to one (albeit very high quality) establishment.

I’ve scoured the net, gone through all my fall catalogs and have walked up and down the trendiest streets in the trendiest cities and have finally found my perfect Fall outfit!

I call it, Fall is in The Air.  An outfit by Helmet Head.

Fall is in the Air.  An Outfit by Helmet Head.

Shoes —  Birkenstocks.  It doesn’t matter if you’re heading out for a picnic with a group of good buddies, into the office for an important meeting or heading back to prep school for the Fall semester a good mandal keeps your feet comfortable all day long.

Birkenstocks

Socks — Wool Socks.  Three words:  Durability, durability, durability.  Nothing says I don’t give a fuck! like a thick pair of wool socks.

wool-socks

Underwear — Smiley Face Joe Boxer.  The fit is comfortable, without being constrictive.  Exclusivley sold at Kmart and Sears… Need I say more.

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Belt — White Guns N Roses Belt.  Take me down to Paradise City, indeed!

Guns_N_Roses_White_Rose_Belt1

Pants — Skinny Jeans.  I know, I know, old news Helmet skinny jeans have been in for months.  Well fuck you!  I like them and that’s that.  Plus they look slammin with my choice of shirt.

skinny_jeans_men

Shirt — LL Bean’s Mock-Turtleneck.  A shirt needs to scream fuck me without screaming fuck you, and that’s why I’ve gone with a simple fall classic.  Burley, Black Spruce, Timber or Navy women can’t resist The Mock.

Mock

Hat — Zephyr Boston Bruins Rink Fleece Helmet.  Be stylish, warm and show your allegiance to your favorite winter sport team and promote safety with this ultra-cool fleece helmet.

Bruins Hat

This advice is DECENT COMMUNITY GUARANTEED.  You have our word.  These items are guaranteed to give 100% satisfaction in every way.

Aztec Civilization Making Comeback

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CENTRAL MEXICO — Recent reports out of Central Mexico indicate that the Aztec civilization is making a cumback (my girl edited this) in attempt to regain its dominance held in the 14th, 15th and 16th centuries. 

Mexican authorities recently apprehended three unnamed Aztec warriors after a public human sacrifice in a Western Mexico suburb.  “Once we got the men to stop carving sketches into the prison wall we were able to ask them why they were terrorizing our communities.  While the motives behind the recent invasion of our towns are unknown, we have learned that there are two main causes for the Aztecs striking back,” a Mexican authority said after questioning the three little bastards.

The Aztecs stated their main reason for their violent return is to hunt down and kill Spanish conquistadors such as Hernán Cortés and Bernal Díaz delCastillo, but, when informed that both men died in 1547, they confessed that the Spanish conquistadors are a front for their primary reason for attacking.

The men finally admitted that they’ve stepped back into the spotlight because of the misconception that a chalupa is the dog from the Taco Bell commercials, indicating that any individual that doesn’t know the difference between a dog and a chalupa does not deserve to live.

Those close to the Aztecs say they hope that after they’ve destroyed weaker civilizations, they can continue their development by applying for membership in the World Health Organization to increase their access to essential medication, International Conference of Harmonization to promote free trade of their corn products, and The United Nations to promote international law.

The Aztecs have made reference to some things they will not destroy as their civilization grows:  Shark Week on the Discovery Chanel, The Tampa Bay Rays, The Home Shopping Network, The Mississippi River, chocolate and Smart Cars.  Everything else is expected to be killed or burned to the ground accordingly.

Little Nuggets of Decency

nugget toilet

Decent Community Urban Dictionary

foul

Voyeurs going after a foul ball

Foul Ball (noun) –  Slang for an erratic projectile of pud suds shooting away from the explosive stream of primary funky spunk landing out of play or out of bounds.  In general when a this occurs, the errant love butter is considered dead and the doer must return to his or her original position and continue his turn at the “plate”.

A foul ball is often accompanied by a producer, director, friend or acquaintance yelling “FOUL baaaAAAALLLL!” alerting others in the facility to take cover…

The foul ball often lands unexpectedly, and without penalty to the doer or benefit to the doey, in a voyeur’s lap or violently splashes onto a voyeur’s head. 

Depending on the favorability of the doer, voyeurs may be inclined to go after the foul ball, many times violently, it attempt to acquire possession.  Once acquired, the foul ball is often held up by the voyeur in glee as other voyeurs cheer for his accomplishments.  A memento of the occasion if you will.

In covered facilities, if your little guys (or girls) hit the roof, roof support structure or objects suspended by the roof and lands in foul territory OR if it gets lodged in any of those objects in foul territory and does not fall back into the area of boning it is a foul ball.

P.s. There are two voyeurs in the above picture who are afraid of foul balls.  Can you spot them?