Decent Football Picks, Week 8

Imagine how much your team would suck if you played against Peyton Manning every week?

Enter Exhibit A: The Detroit Lions. While better than winless teams like St. Louis, Tennessee and Tampa, the Lions are playing like a winless team. They are allowing opposing quarterbacks to post an average rating of 118.7, the highest in the league and slightly higher than Manning’s league-leading 114.5. So if you break it down, the Lions play against a slightly better version of Manning every Sunday. No wonder they suck.

Football guru Jonathan Comey from The Standard-Times and SouthCoastToday.com is an expert at numbers and how they tell the story of NFL teams, like the “improved” Lions. What are some of the other numbers he’s come across?

  • The Miami Dolphins lead the league in third-down conversions (53.8%), are second in time of possession (34:46) and fifth in rushing (4.8 yards per attempt) but sit at a measly 2-4 record.
  • Remember how much Rex Grossman sucked? He threw interceptions on 3.64% of his passing attempts. But hey, everyone in Chicago thinks Jay Cutler is Jesus, even though he throws picks on 4.78% of his 2009 attempts.
  • Buffalo rookie safety has 91 yards on five interceptions in the last three games. In that same span, Terrell Owens has 10 catches for 84 yards.

Read more from guru Jonathan Comey at sports.southcoasttoday.com.

Lord Helmet led the way again last week with an impressive 9-3-1 showing. The push comes courtesy of the Houston Texans, who beat the weak San Francisco 49ers by just three points. Anytime your team benches its starting QB in the middle of a game, you should beat it by more than a field goal. Tubesteak was second with a decent 8-4-1 week while Fugaze remains in the hole with a 6-6-1 week. Overall standings: Helmet (63-38-1), Tubesteak (55-46-1) and Fugaze (47-54-1).

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games. The spreads are taken from Las Vegas, the mecca of everything that is decent: Denver (+3½) at Baltimore, Cleveland (+13½) at Chicago, Houston (-3½) at Buffalo, Brett Favre (+3) at old Brett Favre, San Francisco (+12) at Peyton Manning, Miami (+3) at New York Jets, St. Louis (+4) at Detroit, Seattle (+9½) at Dallas, Oakland (+16½) at San Diego, Jacksonville (+3) at Tennessee, Carolina (+10) at Arizona, New York Giants (pick) at Philly and Atlanta (+10) at New Orleans.

Helmet Head’s picks: Denver, Cleveland, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, G-Men and New Orleans

Tubesteak: Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Minnesota, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, NY Giants and New Orleans.

Fugaze: Denver, Chicago, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Seattle, Oakland, Jacksonville, Arizona, Giants and Falcons.

So how do we see the rest of the Pats season shaping up?

Tubesteak: “If the Pats season were a sex romp, seven thrusts would have been executed. And like what usually happens after seven thrusts, ooze has been shot. But don’t worry, it wasn’t a serious load, and the second wave of thrusts are more enjoyable for everyone because they go deeper (playoffs) and there’s a better climax (Super Bowl). So by my count, there’s still 12 thrusts left — and I see each one becoming more exceptional than the previous. As the squad gels into something resembling Ron Jeremy, look for the Pats to pound away on other teams — until they’re finally crowned as the best fuck in the NFL.”

Fugaze: The bye week couldn’t have come at a better time for the Pats. Come back from Europe with an easy win and watch as the rest of the league beats each other up for another Sunday. New England’s next opponent, Miami, will have its hands full against Mark Sanchez this weekend and should be a little drained when they come to Foxboro next weekend. After the Fish it’s at Peyton Manning (never easy) then hosting the NY Jets. This is make-or-break time for the P-Men.

The Lighter Game

Nothing says “I’m a chill-ass stoner” like the lighter game. Smoke a doob or two, maybe throw on some jams and creatively balance a lighter on the back of your hand. It’s total freestyle. Improvise, go with the flow — be smooth. Explore your range.

How do you play? First you have to mellow out. Then you stand up and toss the lighter around and balance it on the back of your paw. You can play solo, but the vibes are better with more people involved — more sharing going on, tapping into the communal spirit. That sort of thing.

People who are dank at the lighter game are the same people you want to become friends with. They obviously have their shit together and give off an artful aura. These guys are expressing themselves through an otherwise non-existent medium by taking the lifeless lighter, adding their own colorful and imaginative stylings, and thus rendering their own version of what is and what isn’t.

Phish Festivalography

Phish’s Festival 8 is upon us, going down this weekend in Indio, CA. Sure to be a great time. To honor this occasion, Dece Community wanted to share a very heady program that just went down over the past week on Sirius/XM radio called Phish Festivalography.

The program chronicles all seven festivals — Clifford Ball, Great Went, Lemonwheel, Camp Oswego, Big Cypress, It, Coventry — through interviews with band members and jams. There’s also a preview of Festival 8. You get some really cool, insightful, interesting commentary from Trey, Mike, Fishman, and Page — things like how they named and concepted the festivals, the first glow stick war, eating heavy-duty pot brownies, and the hardships at Coventry. That’s just a small sampling of the material.

The choice jams interspersed throughout the program are also bad-ass. Give this shit a listen. Each part is about an hour long, but if you’re a Phish phan we have no doubt this will be a decent investment of your time.

DOWNLOAD PHISH FESTIVALOGRAPHY: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Thursday Ramblings

The treasure security business got a big wake-up call 45 years ago today. On Oct. 29, 1964, several major gems valued at millions of dollars were stolen from the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. Dubbed the “jewelry heist of the century,” the thieves were hardly the kind you see planning these major heists in the movies. According to historical records, the alarm system at the museum was not working and the second-story window of the room that housed the precious jewels was always left open for ventilation. When the thieves climbed through the window, they also found that the alarms on the jewelry cases were not working. Now that’s what I call security! The three thieves were caught in a matter of days and all the gems were returned, except for the Eagle Diamond, which was never seen again. One of the thieves became famous, “Murph the Surf,” because aside from robbing museums, he was also a surfing star, circus performer, movie stuntman and a concert violinist. … If I had an iPhone, I would absolutely get the Red Laser app. For those of you who aren’t in the tech loop, it allows you to scan any barcode with your phone, which instantly can price-match, find product reviews or remind you about the product at a later date. It was the No. 1 paid-for application at the Apple App Store last week and is starting to pick up steam. For those of you who do own iPhones, here’s a handy list of the top 10 apps that can save you cash. … Three links for your reading enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Correctional officers training to be K-9 handlers arrested for bestiality. “If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it;” 2) California police beg people flocking to the Phish festival this weekend to not puff cheeba; and 3) Students of magic class geared to help guys score women rave about the results. … Three names being thrown around by baseball insiders as to top Red Sox targets this offseason: Adrian Gonzalez, Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera. Hot-stove talk is mostly rumors so the odds of one of these three making it to Fenway are slim (although Fielder makes more sense if you consider the Brewers not wanting to shell out a huge, long-term deal for the stud hitter), but one thing that is ure is taht the Sox will not go another offseason without making a big move. They sat and watched New York make three big moves and are now watching New York in the World Series. … The Brett Favre talk will reach an all-time high this weekend when the Vikings travel to Lambeau Field to battle the Packers. We won’t get into that, but we will get into ticket prices. Currently, $50 tix are selling for around $300 and people are scrambling to find them for the big contest. Police are even warning about several scams including counterfeit tickets for the game. … Today would have been Decent artist Bob Ross’ 67th birthday if he hadn’t died of cancer in 1995. Did you know that Ross, famous for making those beautiful, quick paintings on PBS for many years, taught himself to paint to fast while he was in the Air Force and had very short breaks during the day and needed to paint to make extra money? … Triva: Which two former Denver Broncos running backs who share today as a birthday are both currently in prison? That would be former Ohio State star Mauirice Clarett (26) and Travis Henry (31). Clarett has his own blog in prison, although he hasn’t updated it since August, and Henry is serving three years in federal prison for being “the ruthless money guy in a cocaine trafficking ring.” … Finally, happy 28th birthday to swimming hottie Amanda Beard. She has won seven medals over three Olympiads (including three golds), has appeared in Sports Illustrated, FHM, has made several TV appearances as a sports correspondent, and even got naked for Playboy and a PETA ad. Pretty decent. … Expect to see more nuggets of decency injected into The Community’s Facebook group. Stay tuned.

More Cottage Cheese Please!

Chocolate Flavored Cottage Cheese

Cottage cheese is one of the most healthy snacks around. Why don’t women produce more of it? And why do some people find it so repulsive? There are probably starving kids in Africa who would give one of their eyeballs to wolf down some helpings of cottage cheese.

Mention cottage cheese around ladies and they’ll start fuming. When did cottage cheese become so taboo? Do people all of sudden hate things that are high in protein? Does its chunkiness turn people off? I would think just the opposite!

Decent Community would like reverse this “off limits” classification of cottage cheese and turn it into “very on limits.” As in, let’s talk about cottage cheese like we talk about any other food. Let us devour everything cottage cheese, because each little lump of that shit is like fruit on a tree — sprouting from womens’ buttocks and thighs, sliding into our yearning mouths, and roosting in our grateful stomachs.

Decent Site of the Week: Championship Ranch

Decent Community is going back to the archives today to check out Championship Ranch — “a website dedicated to champions and glory.” A very fine premise indeed! And with a legendary slate of contributors that included big names like Muffler, Frank, Sportsman, JonerBoner, Milldog, and the estimable Misterbeef — this was a can’t lose website. Then came February 3, 2008 — Super Bowl XLII — and just like that, Championship Ranch basically vanished into thin air!

A quick visit to The Ranch and you’ll immediately sense the promise that once was. No question — The Community longs for the day when this New England pecka-head sanctuary is running again at full throttle. Until then, we can only reminisce about champions, glory, and the character-filled ranch where it all seemed to come together.

What a Decent Day in Sports

Five years ago today was the second and last time I shed tears watching sports.

Why you ask? Because on Oct. 27, 2004, The Boston Red Sox won the World Series. I remember Keith Foulke getting Edgar Renteria to ground out. I remember Doug Mientkiewicz catching the ball and leaping into the air. I remember the fans in St. Louis chanting “Thank You Red Sox.” I remember calling my father after the shock set in. I’m sure most Sox fans remember calling their fathers at about the same time. I remember people driving through New Bedford honking their horns. I remember the long lines outside every bar in the city. I remember picturing in my head every Sox fan that I’ve ever met leaping into the air and hugging each other like I was doing.

But today is more than just the five-year anniversary of the Sox World Series title. It’s also the start of the 2009-2010 NBA season, which means another winter of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen kicking ass at the new Boston Garden. The Green open in Cleveland tonight against LeBron James, Shaq and the Cavs at 7:30 p.m. (TNT). The addition of Rasheed Wallace and the evolution of Rajon Rondo make the Celtics a championship contender. My prediction: 61-21, Celts over the Cavs in 7 in the East finals before taking down the Lakers in 6 to win their 18th NBA Championship.

Let the games begin.