Making Out on the T

Not sure if any of you out there have ever had a make out session with a stranger on the train ride to work, but it happened to me today without warning, sans any sort of finesse — just a big old sloppy tongue-slappin extravaganza with a complete stranger… and I’d love to do it again. Here’s how it went down:

I was minding my business, engrossed in a great magazine article when a woman who just got on at the Boylston stop sits down right next to me. She rubbed her thighs against mine, but I thought nothing of it. Then she motioned for me to take my headphones off.

“What are you reading?” the lady asked me in a soft whisper.

“Oh, I’m just reading about lasagna,” I replied

“Don’t you wish we were in an open field right now?” she said with a deep stare.

“Why?” I asked.

“So we can do this!” At that moment she lunged forward and jammed that soaking wet lizard of a tongue down my throat until I nearly choked. This ensued for about 45 seconds or so. The woman got off at the next stop and left me scratchin my head. Who the hell was this broad? What am I to make of this?

Granted, everyone always thinks about making out with strangers on the T, but nobody ever does it! This lady sure had some balls. I’d like to encourage more decent moves like this, so the train ride is more eventful, romantic, and something you can look forward to every day.

Shwag, Middies, Beasters, and Headies

April is coming to a close and the Red Sox are currently 15-12 going into tonight’s game against the Jays. The Sox are on a five game losing streak, which comes after a streak in which they went 10-1. They had a difficult travel schedule to begin the season. Overall, a fair start thus far. Here’s how I’d grade each player’s performance:

  • SHWAG (Straight dirt, brown, seeds all over the freakin place, crumbles when you touch it, really nothing you want to be associated with) – Ortiz, Timlin, Delcarmen.
  • MIDDIES (Usually not acceptable unless that’s all you can get, there’s definitely something better out there, fit to a scrounger’s taste) – Lester, Tavarez, Lopez, Lowell.
  • BEASTERS (Close to what you’re looking for, and can get the job done on many occasions, satisfactory) – Lugo, Drew, Youk, Crisp, Lowrie, Casey, Tek, Cash, Aardsma, Bucholz, Wake.
  • HEADIES – (The good shit you’re looking for day-in and day-out, high-quality, consistent acheivement of desired results, these players are also members of decent community) Manny, Pedroia, Ellsbury, Daisuke, Beckett, Papelbon, Okijima.

So I guess that after one month of the season, the sox can generally be compared to beasters. Not bad — but I’d definitely prefer headies. These are just one man’s grades. If you don’t think they’re decent, then you can go smoke some shwag and relax somewhere.

Living With Lice Is Now Considered Art

I just came across this rather unpleasant article about a group of seven German art students who are living in a museum in Israel with lice in their hair. And that’s the whole thing. Lice in their hair is art. How can this be??? The curator of the museum exaplins it by saying, “Art is life, life is art.”

I think this dude may be forgetting that “lice is lice” — or more to the point, “lice is not something that you want in your hair”. And unless the lice is putting on some type of circus on the top of your head, “lice is definitely not art”.

Some fuckin bastards take this art thing a bit too far. It’s getting to the point where I could take a gigantic bag of poop to a restaurant and start flinging it at everyone in sight, and call my actions “art”. Get with with program and give me some decent art. Maybe draw a cool picture of people with lice in their hair. But don’t give me this ridiculous crap!!

Beverly Hills 90210 Spinoff

I didn’t see it coming, but plans are in motion to launch a 90210 spinoff that is set to air in the fall! I can’t believe that this is actually going down! While I admire the attempt to bring back 90210’s decency, it will be impossible to capture what the original gang had. And no matter how much they try, there will always be comparisons to the likes of McKay, Walsh, Sanders and crew. I see it looking a lot like The OC, which had some success and had similar plotlines, but again, just wasn’t the same as the West Bev Class of ’93.

Check out the video above for some proof of why the original 90210 will never play second fiddle to newcomers who try to steal what they made decent.

The El Camino is a Decent Vehicle

This beauty, sleek as a brazillian bikini wax, just screams decency in a raw, rough, and ‘I’m-the-baddest-longest-hairiest-stinkiest-hombre-within-a-half-mile kind of way. These car/trucks emit such an aura of sexual prowress that part my bone just slammed through the bottom of my laptop and now looks like a joystick on the keyboard.

If you have an El Camino, chances are very strong that you:

  • slam a long-nippled broad in your Camino bed within the next 20 minutes.
  • steal other’s self-respect, honor, and dignity as often as possible.
  • tame and wrestle powerful, venomous snakes if you ever feel the need to.
  • leave a trail of crushed beer cans to say, “Yeah, I was fuckin’ there.”
  • clean yourself with dust.
  • humilate dudes in front of their wife and kids.
  • eat a shit-load of beef jerky.

As you can probably tell from above, chances are even stronger you’re a hellava guy. And if you’re ever in my neighborhood I’d love to hitch a ride in your extremely decent automobile.

Paul Pierce Keeps It Real For Decent Community

First thing first, the C’s are decent.

The word is out that Pierce was fined for throwing up a gang sign.  I decided to look into this myself.  The word is correct, Pierce was hit with a $25,000 fine and  Al Horford is a straight up thug.

Upon further review, Pierce was saluting Decent Community.  Word up Pierce!  Take it to the Hawks tonight!

ooohhhhhhh yeeaaaaahhhhh

The Moustache

What comes to your mind first when you think of a moustache?  Super Troopers? Boston’s Best Bartender at a VIP party? Your pops? The sheriff?  I think to myself, “What a nice addition to any man’s face.”  But is this the consensus of the general public?  There is definitely a misunderstanding that moustaches are not cool for those under 45.  Most people think ‘Child Molester’ when they see some 30 yr old strutting around town with a well covered upper lip.  Think again fuckers! You are soooo off base it isn’t funny.  It is time for people to stand up for the decency of the moustache.  I recently embarked on a vacation to the west coast.  I had planned on rocking a moustache for the seven days I was out there, but shaving wasn’t a commitment I could keep up with on vacation.

Flight in the morning, I woke up and shaved all but my upper lip.  It was exhilarating.  Although it was only the beginning stages of a moustache, the contrast over clean shaven face gave it the definition a moustache deserves.  My girlfriend told me that I looked creepy.  I disagreed with her and tried to explain how the most decent woman would want a man with a decent looking upper lip. . As I boarded the plane I realized that I was amongst businessmen with bare upper lips. “Look who’s number one around here”, I thought to myself, yet I got the feeling that I was not well received.  I sat down minding my own business and looking forward to catching a few more Zs.  We were off the ground and flight attendants were serving drinks.  I asked the woman if they had anything decaffeinated.  The woman looked at me like I was crazy. 

“What” she said. 

“Decaffeinated?” 

“Like Coffee, we have decaffeinated coffee.”

“How about soda?”

“I don’t know.” she said.

Now lets be serious, what ignorant flight attendant does not know what soda’s they are serving.  Arbitrarily I said “Sprite” figuring that they would have something similar.

She handed me my drink and she went on her way.  I felt the general disdain she directed at me through her disgusted stare while taking my order. The remainder of the flight I could not get her to take my empty cup.  Was this because she is of the population that does not care for the moustache?  I would have to bet.  The look I got from her told the story.  She was an uneducated youth who’s parents never taught her the importance of a well covered upper lip.

To our elders, take a proactive approach to respecting all things decent, especially the moustache. 

To the rest of the general public, get over it and grow a G.D. moustache.

Restaurant Review: Toro

Located on Washington St. in the South End – BOSTON

Toro is undoubtedly a community favorite.  This place is annoyingly packed almost all the time, but if you go at an off time you can really appreciate the ambiance. 

A Ken Oringer (Oringer recently beat Cat Cora on Food Network’s Iron Chef, but wouldn’t stand a chance against FLAY!) establishment, Toro serves up little Spanish Tapas… I’m not sure what exactly Tapas are but they are little plates of funky foods.  The food at this joint is F’ing good.  The drinks are nice and stiff, the sangria is probably the best in the city and they have a money little 6 dollar glass of wine – the name escapes me now, but it’s always on the menu and is delish.  Other notables on the menu are: cod fritters, skirt steak and the garlic shrimp.

The Community recommends the corn first and foremost.  Served as half pieces of corn on the cob covered in butter, and cheese and is soo freaking good.  Damn I want some right now.  The mini kobe beef burgers are also very nice.

On the DECENCY Scale Toro gets a very strong: DECEN

What Ever Happened to The Grind?

(NOTE: This video has some foreign music that would never be heard on The Grind, but this was the only video I could find.)

What ever happened to that bad-ass show, The Grind, that used to be on MTV? Eric Nies used to kill that shit daily! There were hard bodies everywhere, titties floppin around in the sun, and a rhythm that emanated like nothing else since. I think the first time that I rubbed one out was when I was watching The Grind.

Anyway, can someone tell me why this show isn’t on anymore? MTV’s lineup of programs is the very definition of shitty, but meanwhile perhaps the greatest, most critically lauded television show in the history of planet earth is discontinued?!?! I’m sure it wouldn’t be that hard to get it going again — all you need to do is get a bunch of fly-ass bitches, jacked up dudes, go to an area that has a pool, blast some Fine Young Cannibals, and tell people to get their freak on. Done and done. MTV, I hope you’re reading this.

Decent Bar in Allston

There’s a great little haunt in Allston called Deep Ellum, located at the corner of Cambridge St and Brighton Ave. They’ve got a solid sense of what’s decent at this easy-going, yet still kinda hip joint. Serving quite an array of cocktails, and an extensive selection of bronsons, I’d fuckin move into this place if I didn’t live on the opposite side of the city. I doubt a place like this could even exist in the more downtown areas of Boston, because it’s just too god-damn cool, and the vibe and feel would be totally lost before you could say “dingleberries“. I haven’t mentioned their grub, but that’s the real deal too, with a homestyle feel, reasonable prices, and an original menu. I think “original” is probably the best way to describe this bar. If you live in the neighborhood, or even if you suddenly find yourself in the area, you’d be a buffoon not to stop in and enjoy what is one of the best bars around.

Boston’s Most Decent Bartender

Boston ’s Most Decent Bartender isn’t some moosed-up slick guy who peacocks behind a bar like a tail-less cocktail king. And it’s not some vixen wearing a half pound of makeup with a rib rack larger than a pair of oven-roasted turkeys. Boston ’s Most Decent Bartender is a globe-trotting gentleman who wears Garfield sweatshirts almost exclusively.

Meet Tony, purveyor of stiff drinks at the often cast aside Shangri-La Cocktail Lounge on Cambridge St. in Beacon Hill. “Shangs” doesn’t possess the swank and stuffy vibe that’s associated with most other cocktail lounges, but instead falls more along the lines of the classically depicted Boston bar — offering a type of constant roundtable conversation where bartender Tony serves as nightly moderator.

Tony has built a clientele of avant-garde characters who flock to his symposium for spirited discussion and drink. Potent zombies and mai tais flow along with an endless stream of ideas, with Tony having the ultimate say on both liquor and righteousness. Tony’s “Scorpeen Bowl” is legendary for making you see things more clearly, and is the perfect compliment to an order of Shangs’ legendary rangoons or chicken sticks. Knowledgeable in exotic drinks and well-versed in the ways of the world, Tony showcases an innate acumen in merging distinctive elements into concoctions that are truly greater than the sum of their parts.

Whether you’re looking for someone to have final say in an intellectual joust, or someone to supply you with a truly enlightening potion, Tony is your man in Boston. Most people would probably nominate some bartender with a generic perkiness, rock-hard abs, and can make a killer mojito—but if you think they’re better than Tony, you’re just fooling yourself.

 

People are Stealing Dongs in the Congo

I just read this wild article about sorcerers and the like stealing or skrinking guys’ dongs! Apprarently “penis-snatchers” are not uncommon is parts of West Africa. It may be a rebellion against the government, or it may be a giant joke — but it’s probably not a joke to the guy whose dong is suddenly the size of a thimble and forever flacid. They say that stealing body parts and blood for witchcraft and sorcery is an everyday thing in that part of the world. I’d say that’s not really decent. Some words of advice that I took from this article: stay away from men who are wearing gold rings in taxis.

Mireille, Where Have the Years Gone?

One of my first crushes in high school was on a woman named Mireille, the star of my french class program, French in Action. Designed by the legendary Pierre Captretz, the curriculum centers around a beautiful French student named Mireille studying art at the SorBONE. She is pursued by a plethora of suitors, namely American student Robert (pronounced Robair) and sly frenchman Ousman!

Today I am surprised to learn that FIA was the object of some serious scrutiny for many years. Apparently all those extended shots of Mireille’s rock solid nipples and long beautiful legs were deemed too sexist! No wonder my friends and I from French class still talk about her years later! Damn, she was decent!

To gain more of an appreciation of what I’m talking about, you can visit the FIA fan site.  I learned that the actress who played Mireille, Valerie Allain, was featured in an issue of Playboy. I also was able to view her myspace page. Oh Mireille! I miss you! How times have changed! If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing decent. Thank you for instilling in me a deep appreciation of all things French!

Decent Facts About Boning etc.

I just came across a recent Global Sex Survey and came away with decent info on what’s going on in the world of boning.

Some relevant numbers:

  • 40% of Americans use blindfolds and handcuffs.
  • 1 in 4 Americans engage in regular role play.
  • 56% of Americans watch porn with their partner.
  • The worldwide average for time spent in foreplay is 19.7 minutes. (I bring that number way down.)
  • 14% worldwide think boobs are the sexiest feature on babies. 14% think it’s a toned body. 15% think it’s rear end. 11% think it’s eyes. 10% think it’s attitude. I think it’s definitely boobs.
  • People in Iceland are the youngest with regard to their first time doing the old in and out — 15.7 years old.
  • Chinese people have the most sexual partners (19.3).
  • French people have sex most often (137 times a year).

It’s interesting to browse around the site and check out who’s doing the boning in our world and what style their doing it. Those French bastards really know how to screw, eh? Also, who knew that almost 50% of people use handcuffs? I wonder how truly accurate this fuckin survey is.

Review: Flour Bakery

Washington St. So. End. BOSTON

Pretty nice little bakery.  Located on the corner of Newton and Washington this place gets packed up tight on the weekends.  If you are wicked smart you call ahead early and bypass the long line of parents taken there for lunch by their kids.  The roast beef sandwich is THE BEST.  It comes with horseradish mayo, cheddar and crunchy onions – awesomeness all around.  You can sub out for whatever you want, but the Community likes it straight up with the crunchy onions!  The chicken panini gets a “YES!”  This place also has rich as shit desserts and some other decent pastries.

On the DECENCY Scale, Flour gets a: DECE

Are Capes Decent?

I came across this cape availbale at Brooks Brothers for a regular price of $2,500. I can’t decide if this is a decent look. Something tells me that it’s not worth dropping that much money on a freaking cape.

Are you a serious dude if you wear something like this? It’s an interesting look for sure, and from the price you’re going to pay for this, I’m pretty sure you don’t think of it as a joke. But still… you’re wearing a cape! A freaking cape!! Upon further thought, I’m guessing this is a kind of joke that rich guys like to pull. Check me out! I’m wearing a cape! I’m pretty cool, yes? Ah ha ha ha!

Yacht Rock

The video below is just one in a series that examines a culture that brought us smooth beats from even smoother dudes. Some of this particular episode fast forwards into the future to a time when yacht rock pioneer Michael McDonald meets up with rap mogul Dr. Dre and crew. The collaboration, as you probably figured, results in a jam to be remembered as perhaps the greatest fusion of intergenerational artistry the world will ever know. You can see more episodes of Yacht Rock here.

Gino and The C’s

For those of you at last night’s C’s game who were like “who the fuck is Gino and why does everyone have a Gino shirt on!?!?”

Gino is also a well known figure in Boston Celtics lore, regarded by some as an unofficial mascot for the team. Whenever the Celtics start to blow out another team in the final minutes of a home game, the PA monitor will project a late 1970s clip from the popular dance program American Bandstand. In this particular episode a bearded young man noticeably dances his tail off. This man is wearing bell bottoms and a shirt — from musician Gino Vannelli‘s mid-1970s Gemini tour — that simply says “Gino” on it. He has forever been a cult favorite of Garden fans. A Boston Globe sports columnist has created a semi-spoof documentary entitled Finding Gino that attempts to track down the man shown in the archival clip, but has yet to meet with success in finding him – Taken from Wikipedia.

P.S. HOW DECENT WAS RONDO’S SHOT OVER THE BACKBOARD!?

Bro, You’re A God Among Bros

I had to post this. Some of you may have already read it, but I love it. It’s author is Zach Caldwell. It was originally posted on The Onion.

Bro, You’re A God Among Bros

You know you’re one of my top bros, bro, because you got my back. And I got yours. You’re my bro. But you went above and beyond the other night, bromaldehyde. You really did. Saving me that seat at the Velvet Revolver show, even though all those other bros were trying to get up front, bro? So clutch.

You are truly a god among bros.

Just when I think you’re as solid as a bro can get, you raise the very definition of brodom to new heights. You’re like a brogle, soaring to the farthest reaches of the atbrosphere. Seriously. If it weren’t for you and your extreme brobility to hook a bro up when it is most croosh, I’d have been stuck in some bitch-ass seat, cramped all in the corner with a bunch of bitch-asses, bro. But you stepped up. You brovercame all obstacles to help a bro out. This is the kind of shit that makes bros for life.

Brody, I was so stoked when you told Gina to go eat a fat one after she asked if she could have your other ticket, even though you knew you could probably get a pretty deese HJ from her. Bros before hos, bro. That’s what I’m talking about.

You are the king of all bros. Brotankhamen. You are the Ayatollah Bromeini. You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean.

But this is just one of many times you’ve fallen on a grenade for me, brozo. Who took the blame when I broke Skeeter’s bong and fucking Skeeter was all fucking pissed? You, bro. Who was the first to bro up and carry that fucking keg of Killian’s up four flights of stairs for Duke’s surprise party? You, bro. Who was the only Bromo sapien on the planet to tell me he thought the brand-new rims on my F-350 were the shit even though everyone else was all, like, fucking not that excited about them? Bro, you know it was you. You’re my broheim supremo, bro, and don’t you ever forget it.

I’m so fucking glad we’re bros, bro!

I’ve long admired your absolute broficiency in all things bro-related, and the way you’ve always carried yourself in a brofessional manner. I consider you a brole model. When I was new in this town, you took me under your wing and showed me the bropes. And I will always preesh that. Not only did you school me in proper brotocol, but you were a spiritual leader, a confidant, and, more importantly, a bro. You taught me how to be true to my inner bro and to bros around me. You are a real bro. Not a fake bro, like those other douches. I hate fake bros, bro. Faux breaux. Fuck that. No, really, bro…you’re practically a bro-ther to me.

Look at you, blasting in like Rambro and firing off your launcher like nobrody’s business, bro. Serious Brotosaurus Rex action. Brodius Maximus. I’m not big on labels, but you, more than any of the wiggers, bitches, goth chicks, dorks, homos, or Mexicans I know, are absolutely beyond rebroach.

In fact, your brotitude is so brossential that, in many ways, you are the ultimate brototype: You sprung out of the brotean ooze at the very broment of creation, unformed, unmolded, and became the ultimate bro, more powerful than any who came brofore. I don’t fear your power, bro, but I respect it. And I will always brobey it.

Brosemite Sam. Potassium Bromide. Brobi Wan Kenobi. Brover Norquist.

Like Broseph Stalin, you are leading the way to the dictatorship of the broletariate. It is truly revbrolutionary. Like the Bro v. Wade of our generation. You brobliterate the enemy from the very peak of Mt. Brolympus. That’s some shit. That’s brolific. But that’s the kind of bro you are.

Bro-S.A.! Bro-S.A.! I’m so pumped right now! Bro-S.A.!

You are the epitome of bro, in every brossible way, and that’s the Bro’s honest truth, bro. I may have a bropensity for broverstatement, but this no mere hyperbrole: You are 100 brocent, absbrolutely the broest. Brotally.

I wish I had the words to describe what a good friend you are, dude.

Playoff Time for the C’s!

The Celt’s run for glory starts tomorrow and I’m jacked up like a mother-fucker. I had to post this exerpt from a column by ESPN’s John Hollinger. Look out NBA — the C’s are gonna tear you a new one:

How good is Boston, really?

A lot better than you might think. Most observers look at the East and see the Celtics as a really good team who may or may not get past Detroit in the conference finals.

Wake up, folks — this is one of the best teams of all time, and you might be surprised how easily they roll through the playoffs. I realize this is raining on the parade a bit since everybody is so jacked up about the competition in store this postseason, but I have to warn you there’s a chance the Celtics are just going to flat-out destroy everybody.

Boston went 66-16, one of the best marks in league history, but even that mark sells the Celtics short. At 10.3 points per game, they had the scoring margin of a 70-win team. That scoring margin is better than all but three teams since the ABA-NBA merger, and those teams all had Michael Jordan. By contrast, last season the Spurs had a scoring margin of 7.8 ppg, and that was easily the best mark in the league.

Here’s the real crazy part: their numbers were this good even though they coasted the final month and a half! Kevin Garnett didn’t play 40 minutes in a game after March 5; he averaged 31.9 minutes in March and 25.4 in April. For Paul Pierce, it was 32.6 and 27.4; for Ray Allen, it was 31.2 and 29.0. Plus, each of them skipped two April games just to freshen up.

They have the three stars, yes, but they also play suffocating defense — the Celts had one of best defensive seasons of all time, in fact (we’ll get into that more as we get deeper into the playoffs). Meanwhile, a bench that was supposed to be a liability has instead kicked some serious butt, and the late-season addition of Sam Cassell added a crunch-time scorer to the mix.

The Western Conference is where all of the excitement and most of the quality resides, but I’d be very surprised if the West champs can beat Boston in the Finals … and even more surprised if somebody besides Boston was their opponent.