Making Out on the T

Not sure if any of you out there have ever had a make out session with a stranger on the train ride to work, but it happened to me today without warning, sans any sort of finesse — just a big old sloppy tongue-slappin extravaganza with a complete stranger… and I’d love to do it again. Here’s how it went down:

I was minding my business, engrossed in a great magazine article when a woman who just got on at the Boylston stop sits down right next to me. She rubbed her thighs against mine, but I thought nothing of it. Then she motioned for me to take my headphones off.

“What are you reading?” the lady asked me in a soft whisper.

“Oh, I’m just reading about lasagna,” I replied

“Don’t you wish we were in an open field right now?” she said with a deep stare.

“Why?” I asked.

“So we can do this!” At that moment she lunged forward and jammed that soaking wet lizard of a tongue down my throat until I nearly choked. This ensued for about 45 seconds or so. The woman got off at the next stop and left me scratchin my head. Who the hell was this broad? What am I to make of this?

Granted, everyone always thinks about making out with strangers on the T, but nobody ever does it! This lady sure had some balls. I’d like to encourage more decent moves like this, so the train ride is more eventful, romantic, and something you can look forward to every day.

Shwag, Middies, Beasters, and Headies

April is coming to a close and the Red Sox are currently 15-12 going into tonight’s game against the Jays. The Sox are on a five game losing streak, which comes after a streak in which they went 10-1. They had a difficult travel schedule to begin the season. Overall, a fair start thus far. Here’s how I’d grade each player’s performance:

  • SHWAG (Straight dirt, brown, seeds all over the freakin place, crumbles when you touch it, really nothing you want to be associated with) – Ortiz, Timlin, Delcarmen.
  • MIDDIES (Usually not acceptable unless that’s all you can get, there’s definitely something better out there, fit to a scrounger’s taste) – Lester, Tavarez, Lopez, Lowell.
  • BEASTERS (Close to what you’re looking for, and can get the job done on many occasions, satisfactory) – Lugo, Drew, Youk, Crisp, Lowrie, Casey, Tek, Cash, Aardsma, Bucholz, Wake.
  • HEADIES – (The good shit you’re looking for day-in and day-out, high-quality, consistent acheivement of desired results, these players are also members of decent community) Manny, Pedroia, Ellsbury, Daisuke, Beckett, Papelbon, Okijima.

So I guess that after one month of the season, the sox can generally be compared to beasters. Not bad — but I’d definitely prefer headies. These are just one man’s grades. If you don’t think they’re decent, then you can go smoke some shwag and relax somewhere.

Living With Lice Is Now Considered Art

I just came across this rather unpleasant article about a group of seven German art students who are living in a museum in Israel with lice in their hair. And that’s the whole thing. Lice in their hair is art. How can this be??? The curator of the museum exaplins it by saying, “Art is life, life is art.”

I think this dude may be forgetting that “lice is lice” — or more to the point, “lice is not something that you want in your hair”. And unless the lice is putting on some type of circus on the top of your head, “lice is definitely not art”.

Some fuckin bastards take this art thing a bit too far. It’s getting to the point where I could take a gigantic bag of poop to a restaurant and start flinging it at everyone in sight, and call my actions “art”. Get with with program and give me some decent art. Maybe draw a cool picture of people with lice in their hair. But don’t give me this ridiculous crap!!

Beverly Hills 90210 Spinoff

I didn’t see it coming, but plans are in motion to launch a 90210 spinoff that is set to air in the fall! I can’t believe that this is actually going down! While I admire the attempt to bring back 90210’s decency, it will be impossible to capture what the original gang had. And no matter how much they try, there will always be comparisons to the likes of McKay, Walsh, Sanders and crew. I see it looking a lot like The OC, which had some success and had similar plotlines, but again, just wasn’t the same as the West Bev Class of ’93.

Check out the video above for some proof of why the original 90210 will never play second fiddle to newcomers who try to steal what they made decent.

The El Camino is a Decent Vehicle

This beauty, sleek as a brazillian bikini wax, just screams decency in a raw, rough, and ‘I’m-the-baddest-longest-hairiest-stinkiest-hombre-within-a-half-mile kind of way. These car/trucks emit such an aura of sexual prowress that part my bone just slammed through the bottom of my laptop and now looks like a joystick on the keyboard.

If you have an El Camino, chances are very strong that you:

  • slam a long-nippled broad in your Camino bed within the next 20 minutes.
  • steal other’s self-respect, honor, and dignity as often as possible.
  • tame and wrestle powerful, venomous snakes if you ever feel the need to.
  • leave a trail of crushed beer cans to say, “Yeah, I was fuckin’ there.”
  • clean yourself with dust.
  • humilate dudes in front of their wife and kids.
  • eat a shit-load of beef jerky.

As you can probably tell from above, chances are even stronger you’re a hellava guy. And if you’re ever in my neighborhood I’d love to hitch a ride in your extremely decent automobile.

Paul Pierce Keeps It Real For Decent Community

First thing first, the C’s are decent.

The word is out that Pierce was fined for throwing up a gang sign.  I decided to look into this myself.  The word is correct, Pierce was hit with a $25,000 fine and  Al Horford is a straight up thug.

Upon further review, Pierce was saluting Decent Community.  Word up Pierce!  Take it to the Hawks tonight!

ooohhhhhhh yeeaaaaahhhhh

The Moustache

What comes to your mind first when you think of a moustache?  Super Troopers? Boston’s Best Bartender at a VIP party? Your pops? The sheriff?  I think to myself, “What a nice addition to any man’s face.”  But is this the consensus of the general public?  There is definitely a misunderstanding that moustaches are not cool for those under 45.  Most people think ‘Child Molester’ when they see some 30 yr old strutting around town with a well covered upper lip.  Think again fuckers! You are soooo off base it isn’t funny.  It is time for people to stand up for the decency of the moustache.  I recently embarked on a vacation to the west coast.  I had planned on rocking a moustache for the seven days I was out there, but shaving wasn’t a commitment I could keep up with on vacation.

Flight in the morning, I woke up and shaved all but my upper lip.  It was exhilarating.  Although it was only the beginning stages of a moustache, the contrast over clean shaven face gave it the definition a moustache deserves.  My girlfriend told me that I looked creepy.  I disagreed with her and tried to explain how the most decent woman would want a man with a decent looking upper lip. . As I boarded the plane I realized that I was amongst businessmen with bare upper lips. “Look who’s number one around here”, I thought to myself, yet I got the feeling that I was not well received.  I sat down minding my own business and looking forward to catching a few more Zs.  We were off the ground and flight attendants were serving drinks.  I asked the woman if they had anything decaffeinated.  The woman looked at me like I was crazy. 

“What” she said. 

“Decaffeinated?” 

“Like Coffee, we have decaffeinated coffee.”

“How about soda?”

“I don’t know.” she said.

Now lets be serious, what ignorant flight attendant does not know what soda’s they are serving.  Arbitrarily I said “Sprite” figuring that they would have something similar.

She handed me my drink and she went on her way.  I felt the general disdain she directed at me through her disgusted stare while taking my order. The remainder of the flight I could not get her to take my empty cup.  Was this because she is of the population that does not care for the moustache?  I would have to bet.  The look I got from her told the story.  She was an uneducated youth who’s parents never taught her the importance of a well covered upper lip.

To our elders, take a proactive approach to respecting all things decent, especially the moustache. 

To the rest of the general public, get over it and grow a G.D. moustache.