Decent Football Picks, Week 12

It’s Thanksgiving weekend and us football fans have a lot to be thankful for. Here’s a few of them:

1. The Pats have had no major injuries: Brady is still healthy, as is Moss and Welker. Jerod Mayo made it back sooner than expected after leaving the opening-night game against Buffalo. Fred Taylor and Sammy Morris are on the shelf, but with the Pats being a pass-happy team it really doesn’t matter. The left side of the line is a concern but not a season-ending one.

2. The Colts-Pats AFC Title Game is setting up to be the biggest non-Superbowl game ever: I can’t f’ing wait for this matchup. The Colts got lucky the first time. This could be the highest-rated non-championship game in sports history.

3. Ochocinco: Yea, some people see him as an asshole, but I think Ochocinco is good for the league. He’s a breath of fresh air in a league that is always trying to crack down on celebrations and creativity. Plus, I got to give the guy credit, he backs up every ounce of smack he talks and “Child Please” is pure gold.

4. Eric Mangini is terrible: Ever since Mangini busted Belichick in Spygate and told the Boston Herald he taped the Superbowl walkthrough against the Rams (That was the biggest secret of the whole Spygate saga, who was the rat who spilled the beans about the Superbowl after Congress confirmed it wasn’t Matt Walsh), I’ve seen him as nothing but a huge d-bag, and now he’s getting what’s coming to him. Next stop, the unemployment line.

Fugaze (9-7 last week, 75-83 overall) won last week, again, and is charging toward Helmet (8-8 last week, 87-71) and Tubesteak (7-9 last week, 78-79 overall) for the Decent Football Picks Championship.

Anyway, here are the lines on this week’s games, taken straight from Las Vegas: Green Bay (-11) at Detroit, Oakland (+13½) at Dallas, Giants (-6½) at Denver, Indy (-3½) at Houston, Cleveland (+14) at Cincy, Chicago (+11) at Minnesota, Washington (+9½) at Philly, Miami (-3) at Buffalo, Arizona (+2) at Tennessee, Seattle (-3) at St. Louis, Tampa Bay (+12½) at Atlanta, Carolina (+3) at New York Jets, Jacksonville (+3) at San Francisco, K.C. (+13½) at San Diego, Pisstburgh (+1) at Baltimore and New England (+3) at New Orleans.

Helmet Head’s picks: Green Bay, Dallas, New York, Houston, Cincy, Washington, Chicago, Miami, Seattle, T.B., Carolina, San Fran, K.C., Baltimore and New England.

Tubesteak: Detroit, Oakland, Denver, Peyton Manning, Cincy, Minnesota, Washington, Miami, Tennessee, Atlanta, Seattle, Jets, Jacksonville, San Diego, Baltimore and New England.

Fugaze: Lions, Cowboys, Giants, Houston, Cincy, Chicago, Washington, Miami, Arizona, St. Louis, Atlanta, Jets, Jaguars, San Diego, Pittsburgh and New England

So how do we think the Pats will fare on Monday night?

Helmet Head (Pats 51, Saints 47): “Rumor has it, when Belichick hangs up the clipboard, he’s going into the catering business.”

Tubesteak (Pats 42, Saints 17): “Hurricane Bill Belichick comes into New Orleans and rips the roof off the Superdome. It gets so absurd that some Pats players come out of the lockeroom to perform Mungo Jerry’s “In Summer Time” during halftime. The Pats halftime show becomes known as the biggest ‘slap in the face’ in the history of sports.”

Fugaze (Pats 48, Saints 40): We’re in for a thriller on Monday night. Pats pull this one out and it becomes one of those “remember the Saints Game?” games everyone talks about when the P-Men win the Super Bowl.

Black Friday Sales At The Decent Community Store

Avoid crazy crowds on Black Friday by ordering goods online from the Decent Community store.

Friday is the day for deals, sales and bargains across the country. You name it, it’s on sale for at least 20 percent off. It is dubbed “Black Friday” because retailers usually sell so much stuff they make a profit, or get in the black, on that day for the entire year. Not bad.

Well Decent Community has had an awesome year and we don’t need the day after Thanksgiving to make a profit for the year. That’s right, we’re rolling in decent dough over here. Why do you care if Helmet Head, Tubesteak and I are loaded with lettuce? Because we can offer discounts of up to 80 percent on our most popular items from the Decent Community store and not have to worry about losing cash this year.

These deals are only valid on Black Friday, so get your decent gifts while you can. Plus, it’s safer to stay home and order online, especially seeing some Wal-Mart worker was killed last year by a stampeed of irate Black Friday shoppers. Anyway, here are four of our best items that are sure to sell out quick. All make great presents for the decent fan on your Christmas list. Think the Decent Community store should add a new item? Drop us a line at DecentCommunity@gmail.com or leave a comment.

Autographed original copy of “Woman Dies After Using Jackhammer as Dildo
Regular price: $99.99
Black Friday price: $59.99 (40% off)
This is the top seller at the Decent Community store, and for good reason. Tubesteak’s investigative reporting uncovered this story that led to an Internet sensation, drawing more than 179 comments (most are hysterical) and generating more than 567,000 hits alone. This is a collector’s item that experts say will only increase in value as time passes.

Unedited copy of Helmet Head and his Horselover‘s homemade porno
Regular price: $19.99
Black Friday price: $4.99 (75% off)
Surprisingly, this is one of the worst sellers at the Community store. Apparently, not even the ladies want to see Helmet and his former horse lover doing the nasty. Only one copy has been sold so far and that was to Bryan Welch, an employee at the Boston-based Michael’s Moving Co. He must have a thing for animal porn or something.

Full-length Decent Collage poster
Regular price: $199.99
Black Friday price: $99.00 (50% off)
One of our most popular items is this 9-foot-by-9-foot, full color poster of the entire Decent Collage. Yes, for just under $100 you can have the likenesses of Hulk Hogan, Chuck Norris, Tecmo Superbowl, the Mona Lisa, a BLT, Mike and Ikes, Alex Trabek and more displayed on your wall.

Limited edition preview issue of The Isotopes Times
Regular price: $39.99
Black Friday price: $9.99 (75% off)
This is the collector’s item to end all collector’s item. With the Isotopes no longer playing softball, this remains the last edition of The Isotopes Times. On Friday, you can have one of a handful of prints, autographed by all your favorite players, including coach Jon Darling, power hitter Yim, drunk pitcher Matt Biltcliffe, businessman Pat Long and the rocket-armed Dave Gags. Editor’s Note: For a very limited time, Decent Community is offering signed copies of all three preview issues of The Isotopes Times dating back to the 2007 season. These once-in-a-lifetime collectibles are available by acution only. E-mail DecentCommunity@gmail.com for auction information.

Decent Football Picks, Week 11

I’m just going to make one final point about last weekend’s debacle in Indy before we move on to bigger and better things with the Pats in 2009: If Charlie Weis was on the Pats sideline, they might have won.

Here me out. First, full disclosure: I am a big Notre Dame fan and think Weis is the man. I also sweat Belichick. The two of them together are an unbeatable team.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s why Weis may have won the game for the Pats: He would have challenged Belichick’s decision to go for it. I’m willing to bet my life savings that when Belichick decided to go for it, not one coach or person with a headset on the Pats sideline every questioned it. Not any of the 30-year-old up-and-coming offensive assistants that we’ll be hearing about in the years to come (like offensive coordinator/QB coach Bill O’Brien) or defensive veteran coaches (Dean Pees, Pepper Johnson) probably said one word but “If you say so, Bill.”

Not that the decision was wrong, I personally agree with the call 100 percent, but any good leader should get challenged by his peers. Just the different opinions and vantage points can make a difference, and right now, the Pats lack some of that. It really is all Belichick, and only Belichick. He’s surrounded with “Yes” men.

I’ll never forget Josh McDaniels yelling at Belichick before halftime of the San Diego game last year. McDaniels had the stones to challenge the guru, and look where he is now. Weis has the respect of Belichick and the stones to call him out on it. Would Bill have given it second thoughts, punted, and held on for the victory if Weis was around and had said, “Bill, punt the f’ing ball.” The Pats might find out of Weis gets canned from Notre Dame, because he’s headed right back to Foxboro.

I won the picks last week (9-6), being the only one to choose San Francisco and Carolina, but I’m still in last place with a pathetic 66-76 record. Helmet (7-8 last week, 79-63 overall) still holds an edge over Capt. Tubesteak (8-7 last week, 71-71 overall) in the overall running to have a threesum with the other two’s ladies.

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games: Miami (+3) at Carolina, Cleveland (+3½) at Detroit, Buffalo (+8½) at Jacksonville, Pittsburgh (-10) at Kansas City, Peyton Manning (pick) at Baltimore, Atlanta (+6½) at New York Giants, San Francisco (+6½) at Green Bay, Seattle (+11) at Minnesota, Washington (+11) at Dallas, New Orleans (-11½) at Tampa Bay, Arizona (-9) at St. Louis, New York Jets (+10) at New England, Cincy (-9½) at Oakland, San Diego (-3) at Denver, Philly (-3) at Chicago and Tennessee (+4½) at Houston.

Helmet Head’s picks: Carolina, Detroit, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Peyton Manning, Atlanta, San Francisco, Seattle, Washington, New Orleans, Arizona, Cincy, San Diego, Philly, Houston and New England.

Tubesteak: Miami, Detroit, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Peyton Manning, Atlanta, Green Bay, Minnesota, Dallas, Tampa Bay, Arizona, New England, Cincy, San Diego, Philly and Houston

Fugaze: Miami, Cleveland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Ravens, Giants, 49ers, Minnesota, Washington, New Orleans, Arizona, New England, Cincy, Denver, Philly and Houston.

So how do we, and my copy of Madden 10, think the Pats will make out this weekend?

Madden 10 (Pats 29, Jets 28): Stephen Gostkowski nails a field goal with 17 seconds left to lift the Pats to a victory. Glad he made it; he had missed two earlier in a 3-for-5 kicking effort. Brady threw for a classic video-game number of 450 passing yards.

Helmet Head (Pats 47, Jets 3): “Dude, seriously?  Not sure I can even give a recap. Pats are irate, the Jets a) suck and b) are extremely unlucky to be playing the Pats after that horseshit game. F’it.”

Tubesteak (Pats 52, Jets 6): “Just found out the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. I wish I had known earlier. Looks like it’s finally time to try growing a beard. I think I’ll also start smoking more cigarettes, eating more stew and kissing more babes. And one more thing: How the hell did we lose to the Jets earlier this season?”

Fugaze (Pats 114, Jets 3): There are two big reasons why I should pick the Jets this weekend: They have a great defense and they beat the Pats earlier in the season, but there’s one big reason why the Pats will kick ass: Belichick is pissed. The Jets are going to get a full dose of a pissed off guru at Foxboro this weekend. Remember when Spygate broke and everyone was talking about how Belichick was a cheater? “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying,” is what LaDanian Tomlinson said the week before traveling to Foxboro. Pats dominated that game, 38-14. Never play the Pats when Belichick is irate. Never. NEVER.

Thursday Ramblings

Michelle Thompson suffers from PSAS

Meet Tubesteak’s dreamgirl, Michelle Thompson, above. What makes her Tube’s top babe? She has a rare medical condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. Her condition forces her to constantly crave some loving. She has 300 orgasms a day! Her recent plight is noteworthy, though. She has dated men on and off but has never found one who can satisfy her endless cravings for sex. But don’t pity her, she has found a new man and is thrilled about it. Apparently, her neighbor is the man of her dreams. She says they do it 10 times a day and she constantly has a smile on her face. That would make me smile. … People say the recession is over, but tell that to all the unemployed guys out there. Well, I just might have a part-time gig that is fun and pays pretty decently for you jobless fellas out there: Become sperm donors! Here’s how it works: Walk into a sperm bank, answer some questions, meet with some administrator and jack off in a cup. The lab will test it, and if your count is high enough and you don’t have AIDS or any other disease, they will ask you to sign a contract asking you to come in twice a week to whack off in a cup. When your six-month agreement runs out, the lab will save the samples and sit on them for six months for more testing. At the end of the six months, head back in and collect up to $50 for every jack-off session. That’s roughly $2,500 for flogging the dolphin a few times a week. The Sperm Bank Directory has more information and a map to find a bank in your area. There’s one in Cambridge for all you Boston fellas. … Three links for your enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Moviefone offers its best disaster movie scenes. I vote for NYC getting tidal-waved in Deep Impact; 2) Got a shitload of extra cash lying around? Here’s seven outrageously expensive things no rich asshole can do without; and 3) Newsweek takes a look at the 10 worst predictions of the decade. No. 8 still pains me to think about. … Want more proof that Gerard Butler, aka Leonidas from “300,” is the man? He admitted on a British TV show that he has more threesums that twosums. … Today would have been Miss Elizabeth‘s 49th birthday if she didn’t die of a drug overdose in 2003 at the home of Lex Luger. Miss Elizabeth, whose real name is Elizabeth Ann Hulette and was married to Randy “Macho Man” Savage for many years, was in a relationship with Luger at the time of her death. She ended up working at the front desk of a gym Luger owned after she couldn’t cut it in the wrestling business any longer. … Happy 74th birthday to Jack Welch, also known as the Father of Management. He is arguably the most influential American businessman in history and his works are mandatory reading for business students at many universities around the country. Did you know that Welch, the former CEO of General Electric who is worth $750 million, teaches a class at MIT to hand-picked business students focusing on leadership. …  Thursday Ramblings will not appear next week because of the holiday and will return to Decent Community on Dec. 3.

My Fall Community Project

Oh, hello…  Helmet here.

Many people have been asking where I’ve been.  Good question – let me explain.

In between eating Hot Pocket sandwiches and looking for cool sunglasses, I have spent every waking moment on a very important Fall Community Project.  What you ask?  It’s simple yet complex, both mainstream and far out…  It’s a playlist for Tubesteak.

Sounds simple you may be thinking.  Well, think again.  Making a playlist for Tubesteak is like painting a neoclassical style painting for Picasso.  The dude is a Mix Tape Master, the Sultan of Song.  A Vibe Vampire, sinking his tapes into people’s cassette players across the world.  Turning ordinary humans into funkifed dance freaks.

So without further adieu, I present you with my Fall Community Project.  I call it:

Tubesteak’s Playlist an ode to the Mix Style Series:

1)  Phil Collins –  Sussudio

2)  Hall and Oates – Private Eyes

3)  Men At Work – Down Under

4)  Huey Lewis And The News – Stuck With You

5)  Tommy Tutone – 867-5309/Jenny

6)  Phil Collins – Don’t Lose My Number

7)  Genesis – I Can’t Dance

8)  Hall and Oates – Maneater

9)  The Blues Brothers – Soul Man

10)  Huey Lewis And The News – Back In Time

11)  Boston – More Than A Felling

12)  The Police – Every Breath You Take

13)  Bill Joel – Tell Her About It

14)  A-Ha – Take On Me

15)  Kenny Loggins – Danger Zone

16)  Genesis – Invisible Touch

17)  Tom Cochrane – Life Is A Highway

18)  Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer

19)  The Cars – Shake It Up

20)  Steve Winwood – Valerie

21)  Van Halen – Jump

22)  Don Henley – All She Wants To Do Is Dance

23)  Toto – Africa

24)  Kenny Loggins – Footloose

25)  Robert Palmer – Addicted To Love

26)  Steve Winwood – Higher Love

Maybe if you leave a comment Tubesteak will make a podcast of Tubesteak’s Playlist for us all to enjoy…

World Stats in Real Time

Gosh! The Community couldn’t resist sharing this site we just came across that updates significant world statistics. Like the world’s population at the time of this is 6,806,613,380 but it goes up more than a person per second. It’s not only population that this thing details —  there’s government, economics, society, media, environment, food, water, energy, and health.

It’s wild to see the way these statistics move. For instance, there were 14,956,951,525 cigarettes smoked so far today, and that increases faster than 100,000/second. Another — if gas is consumed at the current rate, there are 60,784 days left until we run out. There have been 40,490,683 abortions so far this year. We could go on, but you should check this site for yourself. It really paints a vivid picture of the world we live in.

Dear Decent Community: Help Me Find Cheryl

Decent Community is more than an interesting, humorous Web site for a break from the daily grind. We also strive to help our fellow brother and sisters in any way we can. That’s why we took a few minutes this morning to publish a letter from a reader in need of a little assistance:

Dear Decent Community,

You guys Rock! Seeing as how everyone I know reads this site and your reach far exceeds New England, I’m hoping you can help me find a missing person. The woman I’m looking for is named Cheryl, and she used to be a hair stylist at Best Cuts in Dartmouth, Mass. She has been working there for more than 10 years, offering cheap, quality haircuts at lightning speed. Her speciality is getting you in and out in about eight minutes while offering friendly conversation and a decent smile.

Last time I went in there, I was told that Cheryl no longer works there and the other hair cut ladies didn’t know where she was. She is a bigger girl but it second to none in terms of niceness and quality haircuts.

So I was hoping you could ask your thousands of readers if anyone might know where she ended up. My hair is getting kind of out of control and I need a hair cut before my Nana comes up for Thanksgiving. You know how hard it is to find a good haircut lady? Thanks so much, you guys rock!

Sincerely,

Aaron in New Bedford

PS: Where’s Helmet Head been? I know he’s leading the football picks but I miss reading his funny stuff.

Well good luck Aaron, maybe one of our readers will track her down and let us know. In terms of Helmet Head, he’s picked up crochet and has been hiding out in his apartment with some needles and fabric with his girl for a few months now. Anyone else out there need help? Drop us a line at decentcommunity@gmail.com.