The Pharaoh is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

 

ALERT: PRESS PLAY BEFORE READING THIS POST

Just as the ancient Egyptians needed monarchs to guide them and provide their civilization with fruitful bounties, so does The Community. Whether it’s teachings, deliverence, or even salvation — sustenance from a higher authority is integral to our soul. That’s why this week we’re saluting The Pharaoh by naming him our Decent Bastard of the Week.

Go back twelve years or so to a simpler time when rap music, sports, dime bags, and busting heads were the primary concerns of many. That was the height of The Pharaoh’s reign. Dropping heavy beats, football knowledge, and shwag herbs with a slew of rough characters he welcomed to his domain, The Pharaoh served as figurehead to a kingdom unrivaled to this day. He also had a huge fucking TV and a pitbull.

And while you may think The Pharaoh was a thug by the description above, in fact he was as gentle as they come. Therein lies the greatness of The Pharaoh. His lifestyle and what he projected were exactly what his community so desperately needed during this time period. Whether he was dishing out a bag of grass or a can of whoopass, he was doing it for the greater good.

The Pharaoh’s reign may not be as robust as it was twelve years ago, but that doesn’t mean he’s no longer The Pharaoh. Nay. In fact, it’s The Communty’s stance that The Pharaoh’s dynasty is still in its infancy. Because while he took power at a young age, The Pharoah’s virtues (and his love for weed) will never die. Teach us great Pharaoh! Teach us!

States You Don’t Want To Live In

Above is the only map I refer to when I’m deciding whether to respect a state or not. It breaks down which states sell bronsons/booze on Sundays. I just moved to Georgia — little did I know! They don’t sell jars of hooch for 50% of the weekend. Fuck me.

I’m guessing non-selling states only do so because they have shitty pro football teams (or they don’t give a shit about their team). Either that, or somehow God sent a message down to law-makers saying “Do not sell booze on Sundays! I will not give you a reason why, but please just trust me!” How absurd is this rule? Is it the most bogus law in the history of mankind? I would say yes.

Announcing Decent Community Yodeling School

Since joining The Community, Decent Contributor Fugaze has been pressing relentlessly to branch out our operation — kind of diversify our outlets of decency. Among his dearest ventures was the Decent Community Yodeling School — a pet project very close to Mr. Fugaze’s heart. Well today his dream comes to fruition. The Community is opening up a yodeling school in downtown New Bedford, MA at Fugaze’s residence.

It’s been a long time coming, but our finances are finally straight and we’re outta the red! The Decent Community Yodeling School will likely be the first of many enterprises we’ll be announcing in the next six months in our new “Diversifying Decency” campaign.

Fugaze will serve as the primary yodeling instructor. Having yodeled for the past sixteen years as an apprentice of Rod Erickson (video above) and earning the designation of “Yodeling Chieftan,” Fugaze will turn you into the yodeler you’ve always dreamed of becoming. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to train under a master, become more popular, and live out your yodeling dreams. Please send an email to DecentCommunity@gmail.com for more information.

The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

DC Podcast Vol. VII

Greetings Community! End of summer, times are changing — so I felt it was time for a new podcast. Tubesteak is moving out of the Decent Community hub of Boston to Hotlanta, GA. Yes, it’s true — the Tube is going back to school like Rodney Dangerfield. This set of jams is a sort of goodbye to the Beantown brethren and a toast to new beginnings!

Click here to listen to and download the Decent Community Podcast.

I will be continuing as a Community contributor, but I’m not quite sure what my workload and new scene will allow for. As for these jams, they’re not meant to be cornballish — but you’re not gonna hear the usual funk overload within this podcast. You will get some solid gold ballads that will make you cry and nod and close your eyes and shake your head in delight. I hope you guys enjoy.

Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

100 Parking Tickets Paid For By Stranger

ticket

Last Monday between 10pm-1am, 100 poor slobs were given parking tickets in the blocks between Mass Ave, Tremont Street, Dartmouth Street and Beacon Street in the South End and Back Bay areas of Boston.  On Tuesday morning 100 once poor slobs but now lucky bastards returned to their cars.  However, in place of a orange Boston City parking violation was a little note, which read “your parking violation has been paid (3 of 100)” and on the flip-side of the page a copy of this post:  CLICK HERE.

Some decent individual took Tubesteak and Decent Community’s words to heart and performed 100 random acts of kindness that humid July night.  Those 100 parking violations were paid for, in-full, by some unknown Decent Community reader!

I know what you’re thinking — this must be a marketing stunt performed by The Community!  Well I’m here to tell you it’s not.  We don’t have that kind of lettuce.  We were contacted by 1 of the 100 grateful recipients that happened to be a Community reader and had recognized the words on the note as a past Decent Community post.

So, If you read this, Mr. Parking Ticket Man, The Community salutes you and your random acts of kindness!  You, my decent friend, are not only our decent bastard of the week, you’re our decent bastard of the month!