States You Don’t Want To Live In

Above is the only map I refer to when I’m deciding whether to respect a state or not. It breaks down which states sell bronsons/booze on Sundays. I just moved to Georgia — little did I know! They don’t sell jars of hooch for 50% of the weekend. Fuck me.

I’m guessing non-selling states only do so because they have shitty pro football teams (or they don’t give a shit about their team). Either that, or somehow God sent a message down to law-makers saying “Do not sell booze on Sundays! I will not give you a reason why, but please just trust me!” How absurd is this rule? Is it the most bogus law in the history of mankind? I would say yes.

Decent Community Wishes Ralph Needs a Speedy Recovery

Ralph Needs had a tough week.

Getting beaten and mugged sucks. Accidentally getting shot sucks, too. But having both happen in one week, well that just blows.

Meet Ralph Needs, a Columbus, Ohio, resident who suffered those horrible fates in the end of September.

On Sept. 20, Needs was sitting in his home watching some TV when three intruders broke in, tied the 80-year-old man up and stole some cash, his computer, his pickup truck and some credit cards. Before leaving, the three d-bags pistol-whipped him, breaking his nose.

Four days later, his son urged him to take a self-defense, gun-owner class to protect himself against future attacks. During the first five minutes of class, his son accidently shot him in the hand while loading the gun.

From all of us here at Decent Community, get well soon Mr. Needs. And remember, tomorrow’s another day.

The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

Meet Helmet Head’s New Lover

Out of nowhere, Helmet Head has broken things off with his girlfriend so he could start dating the stallion featured in the video above. (There’s a much better depiction in the video on the right of this page.) All of us here at The Community are stunned — but Helmet Head is adamant that he’s “meant to be with a beautiful stallion” and claims “nothing else in the world matters anymore.”

Granted, we all knew Helmet Head was “a little bit off” — but this may be pushing things over the line. Just thinking of Helmet Head and that stallion hooking up makes me shudder! It’s our sincere hope that exposing this recent development to our readers will somehow deter him from taking this relationship any further. If you could offer words of encouragement in the comments section, it would be greatly appreciated! Think about what you’re doing Helmet Head!

The Little World of Lacrosse

Lacrosse players live in their own little world. While the above video is a parody, it’s decent because it strikes all the right chords. Believe it or not, both Tubesteak’s boarding school and college were lacrosse hotbeds, and I know all too well what these bastards are about.

Lax players primarily come from wealthy suburbs of the Baltimore/DC area, a 30 mile radius of NYC (Long Island, SW Conn., North Jersey), Syracuse/Upstate region, and tony Northeastern prep schools. These bastards think they’re pretty cool for playing a sport most people could give two shits about.

Most lacrosse players aren’t good athletes. And any good athlete can turn into a dominant lacrosse player. I’ve seen this first hand. The talent pool is so small because there’s better sports to play and most people don’t want to join a team full of douchebags. Forgive me if I’m stereotyping — but stereotypes exist for a reason.

It’s a niche sport that’ll never gain mainstream popularity. And if lacrosse ever did make it to the masses, I don’t think all these “lax brahs” would have much to hang onto. They’re probably better off twiddling their sticks amongst their own kind, happy that they can be decent at some kind of sport.

Not-so-decent Anniversary

Today marks the somber seven-year anniversary of the passing of Mikey Houser, former guitarist for Widespread Panic. Houser lost his battle with pancreatic cancer at age 40.

Houser played a vital role in naming the band. He suffered from frequent panic attacks, which prompted fellow band member John Bell to nickname him “Panic” and then name the band Widespread Panic.

Houser also wrote many of the band’s most well-known tunes, including Porch Song, Vacation and Ain’t Life Grand. Jimmy Herring currently plays guitar in Houser’s spot in the band.

Rest in peace, Houser, from all of us at Decent Community.

Why Rotoworld Sucks

I went to Rotoworld to check out some Fantasy Baseball stuff and saw the following note: Derek Lowe held the Dodgers to two runs over 6 1/3 innings in a 4-2 Braves victory on Thursday night. Only problem is that the Dodgers won 5-4 on a walk-off homer by Andre Ethier.

Perturbed and a bit grumpy, I decide to shoot Rotoworld an e-mail to tell them of the screw-up. This is when I lost all respect for Rotoworld, a legit Web site with NBC Sports and MSN logos on its homepage. In order to get to the Contact Us/Help portion of the site, you have to create an account (give your e-mail address for a bunch of weekly newsletter and other crap junk e-mail). Doesn’t seem right when you need to sign up to get to its Contact Us section.

As if Rotoworld didn’t suck enough, I check it out for advice and my squad is 36 games below .500, good for last place in the Yahoo! Decent Community League. I’m 45.5 games out of  first place. I didn’t draft Jose Reyes, but I did cut both Mark Reynolds (33HR, 20 SB) and Edwin Jackson (2.62 ERA, 8 wins) in the second week of April.