Dennis Eckersley is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

If Decent Community were assembling a ball club, the first thing we’d do is look for the most chill player available. Then we’d probably scout their mustache, and then probably their hairstyle. Finally, we’d look into their actual abilities on the field. Based on the above criteria, the obvious man to build our team around is Dennis Eckersley. Characters like him make baseball so supremely decent that we feel it’s our obligation to honor “The Eck” as our Decent Bastard of the Week.

Let’s first address his playing career. Six time All-Star. 1988 ALCS MVP. 1989 World Series champion. 1992 AL MVP and Cy Young. One of two players (Smoltz) with seasons of 20 wins and 50 saves. Two-time Rolaids Relief Man of the Year. First ballot Hall of Famer. Now that we got that out of the way….

His look. Following in the tradition mustache-wearing Hall of Fame relievers (Gossage, Sutter, Fingers), with a sort of lettuce/mop/mullet hairstyle and slim physique, Eck looked kinda like a snarling pirate on the mound. His sidearm delivery, however, more closely resembled an elegant swan. Put all of this together, throw in that stylish A’s uniform, and you’ve got a model of how a decent ball player should look.

Astonishingly, Eckersley the decent bastard posessed chill levels that rivaled his remarkable appearence. Widely hailed as a legendary teammate, his intense competitive nature never interfered with his laid-back aura. Listening to him in the Red Sox broadcast booth, you get a feel for Eck’s totally non-contrived character.

Then there’s his lingo: salad (off-speed pitches), slide piece (slider), educated cheese (mediocre fastball thrown by a veteran pitcher), gay cheese (fastball in the mid-80’s), warm cheese (low 90’s fastball), easy gas (effortless heat), hair (comes off a upper 90’s fastball), Gas Masterson (guy who pumps serious fastballs), and johnson (home run, chump hitter, pretty much anything he wants it to mean).

Even if we could “paint” as well as Dennis Eckersley, we could never design a more decent ball player. Our ideal five tool guy (+pitcher, +hairstyle, +mustache, +lingo, +chill levels), The Community sweats The Eck almost as much as we sweat bronsons. For it’s our opinion that this bastard was/is the most completely decent player to ever put on a major league uniform.

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The Pharaoh is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

 

ALERT: PRESS PLAY BEFORE READING THIS POST

Just as the ancient Egyptians needed monarchs to guide them and provide their civilization with fruitful bounties, so does The Community. Whether it’s teachings, deliverence, or even salvation — sustenance from a higher authority is integral to our soul. That’s why this week we’re saluting The Pharaoh by naming him our Decent Bastard of the Week.

Go back twelve years or so to a simpler time when rap music, sports, dime bags, and busting heads were the primary concerns of many. That was the height of The Pharaoh’s reign. Dropping heavy beats, football knowledge, and shwag herbs with a slew of rough characters he welcomed to his domain, The Pharaoh served as figurehead to a kingdom unrivaled to this day. He also had a huge fucking TV and a pitbull.

And while you may think The Pharaoh was a thug by the description above, in fact he was as gentle as they come. Therein lies the greatness of The Pharaoh. His lifestyle and what he projected were exactly what his community so desperately needed during this time period. Whether he was dishing out a bag of grass or a can of whoopass, he was doing it for the greater good.

The Pharaoh’s reign may not be as robust as it was twelve years ago, but that doesn’t mean he’s no longer The Pharaoh. Nay. In fact, it’s The Communty’s stance that The Pharaoh’s dynasty is still in its infancy. Because while he took power at a young age, The Pharoah’s virtues (and his love for weed) will never die. Teach us great Pharaoh! Teach us!

Tubesteak No Loner Has ‘World’s Biggest Penis’

Tubesteak’s foot-long, well, tubesteak, has been knocked off its perch as the world’s biggest by a 40-year-old from Brooklyn, N.Y., whose unit is almost as big as Tubesteak’s — when it acts like a scared baby turtle.

Jonah Falcon recently reclaimed his title as “World’s Biggest Penis” by having a medical doctor measure him in at 13.5 inches. Falcon previously held the title for several years before Tubesteak busted on the scene with the start of Decent Community.

Tubesteak's new No. 1 nemesis: Jonah Falcon

Upon further investigation, Falcon doesn’t live the typical life of someone who has the world’s biggest wang. He has made several appearances on the Howard Stern Show and cameos on a few TV shows but hasn’t been able to break into big-time showbiz.

“When I meet people, they find it hard to look me in the eye,” said Falcon, whose dong measures in at 9.5 inches when he hops out of a cold pool. “They just see what’s in my trousers. It’s become a real problem.”

The 5-foot-9 Falcon also struggles to find love.

“My last relationship ended in 1996. Now I just want to find a steady girlfriend who doesn’t think I’m a freakshow,” Falcon said in a newspaper interview recently.”

Tubesteak and Falcon have a lot of work to do if either wants to claim the title of “Earth’s Biggest Penis.” That belongs to the mighty Blue Whale, which swims through the open ocean with a 12-foot firehose.

While Tubesteak can no longer wear the crown as “most endowed dude,” he should still consider himself fortunate because he’s in a better position than both Jack Morley and Steve Wasylchyk. Morley is known to have the smallest adult working schlong in the world, clocking in at three inches when at top capacity. Wasylchyk, however, is facing some pretty tough times. He is known to have the smallest willy in America at 5 millimeters (think Tic-Tac). Due to lack of female contact and severe erosion from years of off-the-charts whacking off, his little pecker can no longer get hard and mighty.

For you Massachusetts dudes, be happy your not as bad off as Bryan Welch from Michael’s Moving Co. in Boston. He was identified in both Playboy (June 2007) and Men’s Health (September 2008) as having the state’s smallest johnson. Neither publication was able to print just how tiny it is for fear of a lawsuit, but Playboy called it “thinner and about half as long as those golf course pencils.” Like Wasylchyk, Maxim said his is also eroded beyond use by years of excessive dolphin flogging.

Fight Breaks Out as Watney Leaves Varitek for Nick Green

Heidi Watney from NESN by BrentMid.

BOSTON (AP) — People call Nick Green “The Doubles Machine,” but the Red Sox shortstop has gone much further than second base with Heidi Watney.

The blonde sideline reporter was apparently the cause of a wild brawl between Green and Jason Varitek prior to Sunday’s game in Baltimore. Varitek rushed Green, who recently started dating Watney while she was in a sexual relationship with the Red Sox captain.

Varitek reportedly started yelling at Green before ramming him into Manny Delcarmen’s locker. The two grappled back-and-forth for a few minutes before Sox utility hero Nick Green by dgaproductions.teammates stepped in and broke up the brawl. Varitek suffered bruises while Green left with a black eye and several bruises on his face and chest. Green was unavailable for Sunday’s game because of the injury, the Boston Herald reported, but Varitek started behind the plate, going 1-for-5 with an RBI in the 9-3 victory.

Witnesses say the fight was all because of Watney. Sources say Watney dumped Varitek recently, more than a year after Varitek left his wife for Watney and months after he announced he and Watney’s relationship to the press. Watney, sources say, is now banging Green. The Boston Herald caught the pair making out at Maggino’s, a Boston restaurant, while hanging with Jacoby Ellsbury andNESN's Heidi Watney by sdowen. his girl, Kelsey Hawkins, last week.

Further reports say that Green actually started his courtship of Watney at a charity event hosted by Varitek and teammate Tim Wakefield.

“Tek was furious. He had strong feelings for Heidi,” said one Red Sox teammate who did not want to be named. “Greeney though, you gotta be careful of that guy, he’ll step in and steal your girl in two seconds.”

Red Sox manager Terry Francona declined comment on the situation. “That’s a personal issue between Tek and Nick. I’ll leave it at that,” Francona said of the brawl, that happened during the time the clubhouse was not accessible to the media before the game.

DC Podcast Vol. VII

Greetings Community! End of summer, times are changing — so I felt it was time for a new podcast. Tubesteak is moving out of the Decent Community hub of Boston to Hotlanta, GA. Yes, it’s true — the Tube is going back to school like Rodney Dangerfield. This set of jams is a sort of goodbye to the Beantown brethren and a toast to new beginnings!

Click here to listen to and download the Decent Community Podcast.

I will be continuing as a Community contributor, but I’m not quite sure what my workload and new scene will allow for. As for these jams, they’re not meant to be cornballish — but you’re not gonna hear the usual funk overload within this podcast. You will get some solid gold ballads that will make you cry and nod and close your eyes and shake your head in delight. I hope you guys enjoy.

100 Parking Tickets Paid For By Stranger

ticket

Last Monday between 10pm-1am, 100 poor slobs were given parking tickets in the blocks between Mass Ave, Tremont Street, Dartmouth Street and Beacon Street in the South End and Back Bay areas of Boston.  On Tuesday morning 100 once poor slobs but now lucky bastards returned to their cars.  However, in place of a orange Boston City parking violation was a little note, which read “your parking violation has been paid (3 of 100)” and on the flip-side of the page a copy of this post:  CLICK HERE.

Some decent individual took Tubesteak and Decent Community’s words to heart and performed 100 random acts of kindness that humid July night.  Those 100 parking violations were paid for, in-full, by some unknown Decent Community reader!

I know what you’re thinking — this must be a marketing stunt performed by The Community!  Well I’m here to tell you it’s not.  We don’t have that kind of lettuce.  We were contacted by 1 of the 100 grateful recipients that happened to be a Community reader and had recognized the words on the note as a past Decent Community post.

So, If you read this, Mr. Parking Ticket Man, The Community salutes you and your random acts of kindness!  You, my decent friend, are not only our decent bastard of the week, you’re our decent bastard of the month!

Sam Malone is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

Sam “Mayday” Malone — the epitome of a decent bastard! He was a former Sox pitcher with a nasty slider who owned one of the most renowned bars in history. Being a recovering alcoholic, he still ran Cheers successfully amidst a slew of hard slugging, all-time characters. But more so than anything else, Malone was a legitimate Don Juan — a borderline sex addict — who charmed any and all ladies in the vicinity despite their best efforts to keep his seductive persona at bay.

Make no mistake — Sam Malone was a man’s man, living the dream all dick-owners aspire to. His bar patrons lived vicariously through him and his unprecedented string of female conquests. A seasoned joke teller and a champion ball-buster, this local Boston guy could very well have written the Decent Community Handbook. A DC reader writes in:

“Sam Malone carried a bar, a television show, and most of the male population’s hopes and dreams on his back from 1982 to 1993. (Not to mention all the babes he carried on his johnson!) I was astonished he hadn’t been featured as your Decent Bastard of Week. However, I’m more than confident that after receiving this nomination, he’ll be spotlighted before the Community within minutes.”

I received the email above about 15 minutes ago, and after about five minutes of slamming my head into the wall, I got this post right up. Raise a glass to Sam Malone — a bastard who tagged prudes like Diane Chambers and Rebecca Howe, who pitched five years for the Boston Red Sox, and who was cooler than just about any dude you’ve ever known.