Typical Republican…

Decent Spaces

There is decent space in this decent universe that is undefinable.  Entities that are unexplainable.  Decency cannot exist in such spaces can it?  Can decency be found in elements void of any natural existence?  Black holes are decent and they are the opposite of space, black holes are theoretically negative space.  Some spaces are are holy, some spaces are shared, some spaces are private, some spaces no man or woman cares to go. 

The taint is a space that is sought after for the kinky but generally despised by the majority of people.  The taint is a space of great mystery on one hand, but a place where only few care to explore.

Some spaces are private.  The space between Bono’s eyes and his shades are a completely private space only able to be seen or occupied by Bono and the men or women he bangs assuming that he takes his shades of when he sleeps.  This space is probably the ultimate decent space to Bono fans.

I know a space…  A space I think of daily.  A space that is to me, the most decent space.  This space has a feel, a smell, a personality.  This space fills your stomach and your mind.  This space is well known to Community Members.  This space has a taste.  When you leave this space it doesn’t leave you.  This space is a physical space.  Like the taint, this space is not a popular space.  Like the space between Bono’s face and his shades, this space is intimate a personal.  The space I’m thinking of is fuzzy in some spots.  When you look around this space you can’t help but reflect.  Old relics mix with a Saturday morning favorite.  Cultures and society come together in this space.  When in this space you feel comfortable, youthful, a little funny and a little weird all at the same time.  This space is what it is solely because of decency.  I cannot wait to occupy this space once again.  Do you know the space that I’m thinking of?

Investigating Ugliness and Sloth

In my research for The Community, I was thinking about who were some of the ugliest bastards of all time. A few guys immediately come to mind — Willie McGee, Peyton Manning, Dave Coulier, Larry Appleton, and Matthew McConaughey (not!). Then it dawned on me that the ugliest dude of all time was Sloth from The Goonies! No question about it!

While Sloth was a gross looking bastard, I was still hesitant to give him the label of ugliest of all time. First off, he was a chill dude to Chunk, and was on kid’s side in the movie. He also loved Baby Ruths, which are a great candy bar to say the least. What bothered me most, however, was naming someone with deformities as the bunkest looking dude of all time! It just didn’t seem decent.

After weeks of research, I found out that the man who played Sloth in The Goonies was named John Matuszak — and this dude was really something else! Dig this: He was the first overall pick in the NFL draft in 1973, being drafted by the Houston Oilers. He later went on to win two Super Bowls with the Oakland Raiders! (This is Sloth we’re talking about.) A notorious abuser of any substance he could get his hands on, Sloth was named as one of the Top Five Bad Boys of all time in the NFL by Sports Illustrated!

Of course, I could not comprehend how a guy so ugly could be so nasty at football. It turns out that Sloth/Matuszak wasn’t always so gross looking. In fact, some may even argue that this bastard is rather decent looking! (Sloth/Matuszak’s picture is below.) It just goes to show you that no matter how vulgar looking a dude is, there still may a decent look waiting in the wings.

 

Boris Becker is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

German Ambassador of decency, Boris Becker, is honored this week for his profound contributions to many causes that The Commnuity champions. Possessing an astounding list of conquests, Boris embodies everything a Community member should strive for. In fact, if The Community decided to produce an android modeled to every specification of decency, Boris Becker would be probably be the result. Please take a look at his resume:

  • Boris Becker won six Grand Slam singles titles, including winning Wimbledon as a 17 year old bastard. He also captured an Olympic gold medal playing doubles with the venerable Michael Stich.
  • Boris has fucked so many broads it isn’t even funny.
  • The latest snatch he’s sniffin is the daughter of his deceased manager. He’s actually engaged to this 24 year old broad and he’s known her since she was a baby. (below)

  • Boris has an absolute unparalleled style.
  • Becker is sponsored by Diadora, which happens to be one of The Community’s favorite brands.
  • Boris boned a lady in a closet of a London restaurant and during that sweaty romp he impregnated the broad. He now has a child as a result of the restaurant closet romp.
  • Becker is a noted cardshark.
  • It is said the Boris Becker’s balls sag nearly a foot, almost reaching the inside of his knees.
  • He was nicknamed “Boom, Boom” and “Baron von Slam.” He also was credited with the “Becker Blocker” (his trademark return), the “Becker Hecht” (his flying lunge), the “Becker Fist” (his patented fist pump), the “Becker Shuffle” (his dance after winning important points), and lastly, the “Becker Saw” (describing the motion of the “Becker Fist”).

If Becker isn’t one of the most decent bastards in the world, then The Community should probably disband. The good thing is — we could start Boris Becker Community, and much of the same great, stylish, and decent things would still come into play. Simply put — The Decent Community loves Boris Becker.

The New Lawn Movement

The Community has been hearing whispers about a new movement taking place across our land. It’s a scene that falls in direct contrast to the well-manicured lawn you’re probably accustomed to seeing cultivated (sometimes as a result of local ordinances) in shit-fuck small towns and suburbs. In what amounts to laissez faire lawn care, this new movement is essentially a response to the wasteful ways that are a part of the extreme measures we take in caring for our lawns.

It’s said that approximately one-third of our nation’s water usage is devoted to lawncare and landscaping — an astonishing number considering that much of our country has been mired in water shortages. To go along with that, there’s an unbelievable amount of pesticides being pumped into our water supplies — all in the name of a green lawn. Add on the dollars we’re throwing away on something that usually serves no practical purpose, and there’s some valid questions to ponder if you’re thinking of spending another summer stressing about your lawn.

I liken this situation to another type of lawn care — that is, caring for your pubic hair. It’s The Community’s view that natural growth is essential in maintaining a decent harmony. Why fret about what other people think? Grow a beautiful garden that will bear gifts to its owner! Let it flow — and try to refrain from wasting your time, resources, and other capital that could be devoted to decency!

Men’s Synchronized Diving

On an another Olympic related note — gay men love watching Olympic Men’s Synchronized Diving.  There’s nothing more gay than watching Men’s Synchronized Diving at your local gay restaurant (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  My girlfriend and I went to a fine dining establishment in the South End that is a notable gay bar/restaurant (I guess – but what place in the South End isn’t?).

We were waiting for our seat by the bar trying to watch the Sox through the forest of groping and prodding hands at the bar, when all of a sudden the chatter filled restaurant came to a complete silence.  Nobody was moving, nobody was eating, nobody was talking and believe it or not, even the bar handjobs that were going down came to a halt. 

As I wondered what the hell was going on, I looked up at the TV to entertain myself during this awkward silence.  To my dismay the Sox were gone!  And, what was on all three TVs?  What had brought this once energetic, loud, handjob infested restaurant to a screeching halt?  U.S. Men’s Synchronized Diving.  You see, it was the U.S. mens (boys) turn to take to the platform and with one flick of the channel all of the attention in the place gazed in a horn inducing manner at the TV.  I probably could have grabbed the cash register and walked out without anyone noticing.  It was a hilarious illustration of gawking, even though it was man on man/boy gawking (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Disclaimer:  If I’m mistaken, and everyone was just really into Men’s Synchronized Diving, and it trully wasn’t about their man crush, then I apologize in advance.

One of the Great Shams

  

Now that the Olympics are finally over, I can finally take refuge from people who I like to refer to as Olympic zealots. I find it perplexing that these people who usally have little to no interest in sport are suddenly swimming experts. To them, I say good luck following the U.S. Swim Championships in 2009. After all, you’re all huge swimming fanatics, right? I bet you can’t wait for the world gymnastics championships either!

These same sick bastards are enthralled over the spirit of the Olympics. I think what they’re more enthralled by is having something to watch on TV. Olympic zealots seem to like being force fed heartwarming stories from NBC, but the sad thing is, if they didn’t see an event on TV — it might as well not have happened.

What irked me most about these Olympics is some insane commentators having the nuts to label Michael Phelps as the greatest athlete of all time. What a fucking joke! This dude is a damn good swimmer — probably the best of all time. I wish we could just leave it at that! To think that he even compares to dudes like Michael Jordan, Jim Thorpe, and Bo Jackson is laughable. (For a heady theory on the greatest athlete of all time, check this out.)

So finally Olympics, I bid you adieu! For chrissakes! I suppose you provided some mediocre theatre at times — but in no way will I pretend that you’re something you’re not. I will not be diverted to some lolly-gag sport because NBC wants to increase their ratings. Swimming??? Seriously — if you really think you give a fuck, then you’ve been duped into another network ploy to attract television viewers.