I was very pleased to wake up this beautiful summer day with a stinky broad passed out drooling all over herself in one of the most rotten, vile, and disgusting motels that has ever existed. Laying there dripping with sweat in my fart-stained tighty-whiteys, a few days worth of stubble on my face, and cigarette butts stamped out on the brown carpet, I thought to myself, “If this is not paradise, I don’t know what is!”
Who this woman was, how I met her, and how we found this motel remain unknown. When I asked this deformed looking lady what the hell happened last night, all she said was that I was a “goddamn lawn-mowing machine last night.” I’m guessing we had a good time.
But more than her lawn-mowing machine comment, perhaps the best indicator of a decent night was where I spent it. This shit-hole motel we stayed in charged by the hour (don’t remember how much we paid). A little homemade sign outside the place read: “Free Adult Movies – All you can watch.” There were insects crawling everywhere, no AC (not even a fan), the toilet was rusty and stained (like my undies), and giz stains and other secretions were evident all over the mattress. Hell, there weren’t even sheets on the bed — just a hot-as-hell wool blanket that my nasty-looking baby hogged all night.
However, what some would call detriments, I’d call discreet signs of decency. For if we’re going for rawness, ripeness, rareness, and rudeness, I’d have to say that these type of grimey motel establishments are just what the doctor ordered. It’s all about keeping it real — and I do know that last night I didn’t set out to have a fancy night out on the town. I wasn’t spending a couple hundred on a meal. I was going screw like a wild ape (also mow some lawns, I guess) — and grimey motels are the perfect stopping stations for some decent adult fun.
One again the Craigslist community got it wrong and Decent Community has been penalized!
Just because our request was “off the beaten path”, and just because we can only afford to pay people in potato chips, doesn’t mean we aren’t serious! Now we have to find another way to recruit people to mail our revenge letters! Get a freaking clue Craigslist!
Craigslist flagged and removed the following Decent Community post:
Approximately 98% of postings removed are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines.
If your posting was wrongly flagged down (2% of flagged ads are) please accept our apologies and feel free to repost.
Sorry for the hassle, and thanks for your understanding.
I have a lot of people I despise and I’m looking for someone to help me exact revenge on them. I have been doing research on how to best go about this and have found the following:
I’d like to find someone that can help me write and mail a lot of letters. I cannot pay with money, but I may be able to pay in potato chips or Funions (if necessary). Thanks!
***** Please note: This is a serious inquiry. If you have any interest in assissting us, please email: decentcommunity@gmail.com. *****
Bob– what a great guy! “I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful.” – BOB. Meow, did the trailer voice guy die because he doesn’t sound like that anymore? What a great voice.
It’s time Decent Community takes some freaking baby steps and meow is that time. Sometimes when I post I get numb lips and fingernail sensitivity. Baby steps out of the office, baby steps to the hall, baby steps to the elevator…Baby steps, indeed.
In and around Boston you may begin to see Decent Community popping up. Meow, don’t be alarmed and please don’t freak right out – this is a natural progression. It’s our Baby Step Initiative, and it’s taking place right meow.
If I were Andy “Big Roni” Rooney – A Few Minutes with Decent Community:
This is weird: I like ketchup, but I don’t like tomatoes. There are accounts of people “pooping their pants” when they run marathons – I don’t like that, it’s gross. Skunks are loathsome individuals, except for Pepe Le Pew – a true romantic. When it rains I get hot and bothered – I’m not sure why. I was once told that “an entrepreneur can party any time he wants” – that’s soo coo.
When I swear at people I swear the loudest and it’s stuff people have never heard before.
Sometimes I lose myself in dance and people around me usually end up getting injured. If you can’t sleep I recommend thinking about the shiniest rims you have ever seen or hope to see before you die. I do – usually I think about those rims that keep spinning when you stop, and I fall right asleep.
Job interviews are painful and could be the lowest form of human interaction. Pencils are underrated and pens make me irate. A wise Asian woman once told the Community, “Life is Fragieuwl, Joh” – aint that the truth. Often times I feel like I’m being pigeonholed with vowels and it really isn’t fair.
Sometimes when I’m sad, I close my eyes and imagine that I have a huge walk-in closet and it’s filled with cool sneakers. On the one hand I don’t like being sad, but on the other hand, it’s really fun to imagine owning all those cool sneakers.
Potato chips are a fickle friend. What ever happened to The Works? A man’s best friend. If regulator potato chips could be trusted I would gladly purchase them. I wouldn’t feel so betrayed if The Works were still around. There are a lot of things I’d do if the Works were still at the top of the food chain.
The biggest difference in my life if The Works were still around would be: I wouldn’t have to spend any more time thinking of them tomorrow as I spend thinking of them today.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Pussies don’t like it when you say offensive shit! Also! Also! People take other’s words way too seriously. Here’s an idea: if someone is spouting nonsense, in whatever medium it may be in, don’t compound the problem by buying into the rubbish. Dismiss it as crap and move on. Just move on…
For all decent causes there are out there, there’s alomost an equal amount anti-decent causes. And for whatever reason, some people will do their damndest to spread the negative/bitch-ass vibe.
For example: The Boston Carmen Authorty (representing T workers) is calling for a boycott of Legal Seafoods because they have an ad campaign on the trains that say things like, “This conductor has a face like a halibut.” Talk about little bitches! Listen here T-man — You’re not a halibut, so stop crying to your mother! To all you other bastards irate over the idiocy that some imbeciles voice, I’ll leave this simple piece of advice: Just fuck ’em and be decent.
Lord knows that the most decent gift that God bestowed upon the majority of his creatures was the ability to lick many things. While there are a couple things that you can’t lick (the sun, for instance), we have pretty much free reign to lick just about everything.
I like to lick mustard off my nose when I’m eating hut dogs (so fun) and like to lick leftover blood that squirts out of my steak when I cut it open. Another great food to lick is Fun-Dip. Are you having trouble thinking about things you can lick? If so, the following list of things you can lick may help:
You can lick your girlfriend’s boobs (one of the most obvious ones).
You can lick the cheese off a pizza.
You can lick a popsicle (especially if you’re a girl).
You can lick the sidewalk (if you’re a bum).
You can lick (and suck) a pacifier if you go to raves all the time (like me).
You can lick the sweat off the top of your mouth.
You can lick people’s toes (if that happens to your fetish).
This is just a small sampling of things you can lick! Pretty much nothing is off limits! If you want to take it to the next level, you lick another persons licker (their tongue)!!!! That’s also called taking the limits of decency to new levels, and honoring your tongue in the most noble of ways!
“League commissioner Matti Leshem was mighty impressed, calling Sears ‘the most polished champion in the storied history of this colossal event.'”
The Rock Paper Scissor Championship, which took place last weekend was yet another venue for New England to flex its glory muscles – some chump from Mass won the competition. A Community Member participating in the tourney confirmed that the dude is indeed a chump and not decent on any level. Nevertheless, this is just another W for New England and once again illustrates New England’s über decency! In many cases the tourney was over before it even began. In fact when a New Jersey man was asked who he thought was going to win the tourney he replied, “probably someone from New England”. Indeed Jersey man, indeed.
Once upon a time a good friend asked me what my favorite saying was. At the time I froze and couldn’t think of anything partly because I was wicked hung from the night before and partly because my bone is too big to think about things like that. Looking back on that moment I wish I said, “or else”, but I didn’t, so get over it! I had to!
I’ve been eating beans the past week to a) stimulate the part of my brain that controls favorite sayings and, b) to prepare for this post. So you better like it, or else!
Some decent uses of the term”…or else”:
David Hasselhoff better be a celebrity judge next season on America’s Got Talent, or else!
Let’s face it — everyone loves a decent bistro. They emit an aura of comfort and coziness — an easy, soothing place to get a bite to eat. Bistros usually make appetizing, often simple but artistic sandwiches that everybody adores. Perhaps even more notable is the fact that bistros tend to lean toward the hip side — a place to see and be seen. Of course, if you’re going to operate a truly exceptional bistro there are a few must-have ingredients. They are as follows:
A heady selection of bread — soft, fluffy, spongy bread hot out of the oven. Bread you’d want to sleep on… to make love on.
Braised meats that are often found in killer soups.
A large variety of creamy designer spreads that compliment sandwiches in ways you never imagined possible.
Young girls with decent cleavage who work the register and take bread out of the oven. Cute, bistro-type young girls who are most likely captains of their high school volleyball team.
A fun, perky 40-something year old lady running the place who has a sly, mischievous smile, flour on her apron, and is someone you’d bet is an absolute animal in the bedroom.
A decent selection of fruit beverages that increase your sex drive.
And lastly, a secret room (often the basement) where you can go and make out with attractive others. (If you don’t know about these, you probably can’t fully appreciate the decency of bistros.)
As you can see, there are plenty of reasons to love a decent bistro. Above, I provided a blueprint for a successful bistro. It is my hope that everyone runs out and tries to start their own bistro. Maybe everyone could turn their homes into bistros. Imagine how decent that would be!!!
(Turn up your speakers to hear a cool explanation of fungus.)
Life without fungus would one of the worst senarios ever. I realize that I’m stating the obvious here, but it’s my feeling that most people don’t pay proper respect to the estimable fungus. And that’s where The Commmunity comes in — just to remind you how decent fungus is. Think about it:
Without fungus there would be no brewskis or wine.
There would also be no bread or soy sauce.
There’s tons of medicines that need fungus to work.
Yeast infections are from fungus.
Many cheeses have fun-gus in them.
Fungus is used to control pests.
I’ll be damned if we keep living our lives blind to the wonders of fungus. The Community would like to go as far as naming today National Fungus Day. That’s right — it’s fungus-mania for the rest of the day!
The word is born about recognizing what’s cool — namely, fungus. While all you bastards are busy at work, or walking down the street, or eating some potato chips, take a few seconds out of your day to revel in one of the more decent phenomenons the world has ever known! FUNGUS!!!!!!!
Red Sox Ownership’s (actually we are not sure if the Red Sox own this joint) newest venture is the The Bleacher Bar, which is located in Fenway Park under the center field bleachers. Those son of a bitches have done a pretty heady job revitalizing The Park and the Fenway area in general and this new establishment is just another notch on their belt of decency.
The underneath of the bleachers create high vaulted ceilings for the bar, making this relatively small spot feel larger than it is. The place is designed and decorated perfectly. A couple of flat screen TVs and the signature view through the center field gate make watching the game a delight. There are 3 or 4 tables in front of the gate that people can sit at for 45 minutes and then you get the boot. They also have outside seating on Lansdowne (if they added flat screens outside it would be boner time for Sox fans).
You can also watch the game while you use the urinal – not on a TV, but actually live from a glass opening that looks down over the bar, through the gate, and onto the field. Kind of weird, but you can flip the bird to people while you pee and if you go no hands the crowd below will erupt.
Last night it wasn’t too packed, but we think this relatively new spot will not remain quiet for long. We suggest checking it out soon before you can’t get in or before those bastards start charging to get in.
Overall the Bleacher Bar is of utmost decency and very well done (we may even go back today to assess the scene during a day game). In fact, the only think this place is missing is, Tony.
There’s probably nothing in the world that makes you feel more decent than saying, “Checkmate,” “Checkmate, son,” or “Checkmate, bro.” You can say “checkmate” in a variety of circumstances — in fact, it’s most effective when said while you’re not finishing someone off in chess.
The Community has a great deal of respect for the game and is known for engaging in friendly matches every now and then — but The Community is even more satisfied when stearnly saying checkmate away from the board. Here are the best situations in which to decalre “CHECKMATE”:
When you’re walking your dog and you see a MILF pass by.
When you finally make it to the toilet at home after holding in a poop all day at work.
When you’re at a stoplight and you stare at the bastard in the car next to you and beat him off the line.
When you blow everyone out at a beer-slugging competition.
When you find a piece of candy in your pocket that you had, like, totally forgot about.
When you sit on a comfortable couch to settle down for a nice session of festering.
This is only a very small sampling of great to times to exclaim “checkmate!” As you can see above, it is quite the versatile word! In all cases, there’s decency involved. You’re victorious not in a competition type of way, but in a “Wow, this is decent — Checkmate!” kind of way.
Despite what happened to me this morning (see below) today is theoretically, psychologically, mathematically “the happiest day of the year” according to some bastards in the UK – I’m not even sure if it applies to the US, but whatever…. Actually judging by my soggy morning poo it probably doesn’t apply to us in the US.
So make sure you make today a great day! After all, in the past 2 weeks we have had the second predicted Doomsday and as a result the first annual Decent Day and now we have the Happiest Day of the year. If that isn’t Super Fantastic I don’t know what the fuck is!
As a result, I think you should ask yourself the following question going into the weekend: Are you doing great today!?
What? Say you post-shower-poop? There is nothing worse. Like a cigarette before sex or a delicious bowl of ice cream before dinner, the post shower poop is OK (because it’s still a poop), but it’s not what it poops were meant to be.
It is so true that we are all slaves to the porcelain throne – don’t stray too far from civilization or you’ll be pooping in a hole in the woods, survival style. Yes, in some respects the woods poop intensifies the manliness of an already manly event, but ultimately it detracts all elements of enjoyability, focus, and satisfication that a standard poop stirs up.
Lets face it; the second you get out of the shower in the morning and plop your wet body on that cold, hard, chapel of pain, your morning is ruined. That very second the object of desire and symbol of glory that is the toilet becomes your worst enemy — and you know that from there on out your day is ruined. It’s all over. Why even continue on to the wet wipe, into the shameful re-towling up, and last but not least, the dreaded post poop brushing of the teeth with no shower in between to de-funkify yourself.
It’s a goddamn shame and a slap in the face of decency! How can everything that is so right be so wrong? You work your entire life to be able to control such elements — to develop a code to govern the expectations of social behavior. Act in restraint. Respect your elders. Don’t pop wood in public (and if you do, utilize the tuck). Control your buzz! Pinch that loaf. Don’t barf on the bar. Respect the rules of engagement. Don’t piss into the wind. Don’t yiz yet! And, by all costs, avoid the post shower poop!
All of that said, I sit here and type as a man in shame. I, a man with no self control or restraint to keep things decent, a man where down is up and up is down — I sit here thinking about what could have been. A man that has had a possible decent day ripped from his clutches by the dreaded post shower poop! Ohhh oh oh, WHY!?? Ohhhhhhhhhh WHY ME!!?? WHY POST SHOWER POOP, WHY!!!??
Here at Decent Community, we’re the first to accept that there’s a time and place for everything. And while some extreme circumstances may call for bloody massacres, we’re more of the belief writing your nemesis a letter whips them right into shape. The pen is mightier than the sword indeed!
Writing letters is great for getting back at people for so many reasons. For instance, sometimes you may not be in the mood to whoop someone’s ass. Sometimes you’d rather intimidate through wordsmanship (as the letter above does). Sometimes it’s better to outwit and display superior intellect (the letter above does both). Also, writing letters is a fading skill, so any opportunity to refresh your competence should be taken advantage of.
Personally, I enjoy writing letters to people who fuck with Bill Belichick. I like writing to people who dick me over, steal my food, or don’t carry a product I’m looking for. You’ll be surprised about the decent response you get when you take the initiative and let loose the decent written roar that lies on the other side of silence — and violence for that matter.
We’d be silly if we didn’t comment on the C’s decisive Game 6 win even if it is in such brevity. I really don’t know how to sum up how I feel about the C’s (suffice to say I feel decent), but even the great word that starts with a D and ends with a CENT can’t fully convey it.
What a great crew!
So, with not much to say in the way of words, I wanted to find something to illustrate my feelings on the C’s, the Lakers and more specifically what took place on Tuesday night. I found it in this video, with the turtle representing the C’s and the little girl representing the Lakers.
My girl and I have made it a point to lie down with one another around 9:15 every night and sing each other sweet lullabies until we fade off into the night. As I lodge my finger in her butt crack, she gently places her humungous softball mitt around about half of my johnson, and the process begins. Lullabies can be extremely decent if you’re trying to feel your girl up, or just want to make long kisses. Here are some lullabies that have been successful for me:
“You Can Call Me Al” – Paul Simon – This signature number from Simon’s classic album Graceland sounds pretty good without the horns — especially when it’s done in a soft whisper in your lover’s ear.
“What’s Love Got to do with it?” – Tina Turner – Tina Turner is a freak, but what’s even better is that ladies turn into horny savages when you sing this in a velvety hum.
“Killing in the Name” – Rage Against the Machine – This song goes great with heavy breathing. If your lady turns into a savage beast with TIna, she turns into a mix of Count Dracula and Kublai Kahn when she hears the opening murmur of this jam.
“Dude Looks Like a Lady“– Aerosmith – Sometimes just whispering “The Smith, The Smith” to each other gets both of us off.
“Leaving on a Jet Plane“– John Denver – This song makes us cry so hard that we have no choice but to press up against one another and start necking for about an hour and a half.
Lullabies are the quickest way to get some action, but are also pretty relaxing. The word comes from the middle english word lullenwhich means to “hush to sleep.” Fa-la-la — so gentle in setting the mood, more arousing than a plate of steaming spaghetti and meatballs, lullabies are your ticket to bedroom freak-a-thons, and you’d be a fool not to serenade your broad nightly.
I just came across this video of a dude who specializes in barfing — and turns his throw-up into art. In what this bastard terms “Barf Art,” Lance Ozanic simply vomits on canvas and sells it for $5,000?!?!? Imagine!! Is this decent or not? Fuckin A!
Here’s the deal: The dude has this crazy talent where he can hold liquids in his esauphagus and one day he finally figures out how he can put this to good use. Naturally, if something is ridiculous, you decide it’s art — and then you turn into a heady and avant-garde dude.
Just look at his mother being interviewed. She was probably irate when Lance was hurling all over her furniture. Now she speaks eloquently of Lance’s beautiful “upchuck” paintings. He even has a homemade “barf-blower”!?!?! What the hell!?!?!
I wish I could stop but there’s more: he is ultra-secretive about the ingredients he uses to puke back up! Jesus!! It’s decent that Lance is trying to carve his own little niche — and art is whatever you make of it — but I think our boy Lance has crossed the line. While decency is meant to be as inclusive as possible, sometimes you have to know when to say when.
I’d like to share with you one of my favorite new music artists. I recently came across some bootlegs of Lurch of The Addams Family fame busting out some legendary vocals and wondrous mastery of the keyboards. While Lurch may intiailly come off as a stiff philistine, it’s quite the opposite when you’re able to see through his rigid and unbending exterior.
I try to find a little bit of Lurch in everyone. There’s something primal, but even more natural in the fluidity of his persona. His deep voice would indicate that he’s got a humungous shlong — a hypothesis I’m sure many many ladies can confirm. At the same time, Lurch is a man’s man. He wears some killer suits, can bullshit with the best of them, and always has a practical joke up his sleeve.
Lurch, hear me out — you are one of the more decent and contemporary bastards around. Jam on Lurch-man… jam on…
When at a bar, and someone asks me what I do, I feel the most pertinent piece of info to share is the fact that I make love like a caveman — or more specifically — caveman style. If you’re not sure how it works, you can pretty much imagine what goes down. Just a refresher:
Actively seek out cavewomen with extended hair growth in the central region of their bodies.
Don’t shower for weeks before you bone so there’s dirt everywhere, and flies buzzing all around you.
Make a lot of loud sniffing noises during foreplay to raise levels of arousal.
If possible, try make sure that you’re missing a few teeth. The same goes for your cavewoman.
Occasionally make abrupt pauses during the bone session to make sure you aren’t being hunted.
Slobber on everything in sight as much as you can.
Howl and unleash deep, extended, primitive screams every 15 seconds or so.
While making love caveman style may come off as uncivilized and harsh, in fact it’s probably the most au naturel move you can do. Don’t be naive either, your ancestors were huge fans of having intercourse this style. What better way to honor those who came before you, while at the same time keeping it as real as possible? Making love caveman style is what it was, what it is, and where it’s going to be. And the sooner everyone realizes this, the sooner decency will prevail…
decent community 
