Everything You Wanted To Know About Animal Sex

 

So us humans think we’re the baddest and best at doing the deed. Who can blame us? Over time, our species has come up with thousands of different positions and ways to make sex better and better. Toys, costumes, dolls, lotions … even stuff that is too undecent to mention here on the Community has all been invented by humans for human sexual purposes.

As much as we like to think we rule at doing it, we actually don’t. Here are some reasons, courtesy of Cracked, why you may be jealous of some of the animal species who are taking boning to a whole new level.

Marathon sex sessions kill mice

The Brown Antichinus, a mouse species native to Australia, gets super horny during mating season. What do the males do? They bone the same female mouse for as long as 12 hours straight, then quickly move on to the next female for round two. This goes on for days until the little guy’s body simply can’t take it anymore. Every male Brown Antichinus eventually dies from the stress of over-boning after mating season.

Hippos have an unusual fetish

We know hippos are Hungry Hungry, but they are also horny horny. When a male hippo eyes up a decent-looking female, he walks into her line of sight then spins his best game. What game might that be? He takes a massive dump right in front of her then goes in for the kill: He uses his tail as a propeller, spinning around spraying all that female-hippo-attracting crap all over the place. Needless to say, the ladies can’t resist.

One just doesn’t get it done for Red-Sided Garter Snake

This reptile yearns for a nice, big snake after hibernation. When she sends out pheromones letting the guys know she’s wet and ready, about 100 reptiles will slither around her, hoping she chooses their snake. Only one is lucky enough to get to the promised land with this beauty but the others shouldn’t feel too left out: They start dry-humping each other in a massive snake orgy. Scientists also say that some of the dudes want their snakes taken care of so badly that they’ll release their own version of the feminine pheromone so the other dude snakes will go to town. Kinda gay.

The tricky Cichlid Fish

The males of this decent species have game, and they know how to use it. When females lay eggs, they usually take them in their mouths and transport them to safety a little ways away. The dudes developed small white lights by their dongs that are very similar to eggs. They swim under these traveling babes, who, seeing the lights, think they have dropped an egg and dive their mouths at the dong. That’s when the male blows its load in her mouth, impregnating the fish for another round of egg-laying.

Bedbugs make the best out of a crappy situation

Female bedbugs are born without any kind of vagina. Bummer for the dudes, who are super horny and love to bone all the time. If there’s no va-j-j, how do these guys get it on? Their wangs have sharp tips to them and they use it to poke a hole in the female’s abdomen, then they bone the crap out of them through the hole. That’s where all those tiny bugs pestering poor neighborhoods come from; a razor-sharp bug tubesteak.

The Community Now Has Our Own Board Game

 

Decent Community and Milton Bradley have paired up to produce a chill and far out new board game called “DECE”. The much anticipated game is designed for participants to “embrace their weirdness through odd challenges, side games, exceptional performances, and measures of uniqueness.” 

Milton Bradley had been trying like mofos to strike a deal with the Community in an effort to bring their brand of decency to a board game. “We approached Decent Community because we felt their trademark funky style would translate beautifully into a game experience,” said Mr. Milton Bradley, the head spokesman for Milton Bradley. “To say we funked it out would be like saying Salma Hayek’s tits are just OK.”

The Community is also pleased with how the game turned out. “If this game were a chick, I’d fuck her brains out,” said Tubesteak.

You can order the DECE board game from this website. You can also probably pick it up at toy stores and sex shops in your local community. But buy it soon, because DECE is expected to sell like ghetto crack this Christmas season.

Tubesteak No Loner Has ‘World’s Biggest Penis’

Tubesteak’s foot-long, well, tubesteak, has been knocked off its perch as the world’s biggest by a 40-year-old from Brooklyn, N.Y., whose unit is almost as big as Tubesteak’s — when it acts like a scared baby turtle.

Jonah Falcon recently reclaimed his title as “World’s Biggest Penis” by having a medical doctor measure him in at 13.5 inches. Falcon previously held the title for several years before Tubesteak busted on the scene with the start of Decent Community.

Tubesteak's new No. 1 nemesis: Jonah Falcon

Upon further investigation, Falcon doesn’t live the typical life of someone who has the world’s biggest wang. He has made several appearances on the Howard Stern Show and cameos on a few TV shows but hasn’t been able to break into big-time showbiz.

“When I meet people, they find it hard to look me in the eye,” said Falcon, whose dong measures in at 9.5 inches when he hops out of a cold pool. “They just see what’s in my trousers. It’s become a real problem.”

The 5-foot-9 Falcon also struggles to find love.

“My last relationship ended in 1996. Now I just want to find a steady girlfriend who doesn’t think I’m a freakshow,” Falcon said in a newspaper interview recently.”

Tubesteak and Falcon have a lot of work to do if either wants to claim the title of “Earth’s Biggest Penis.” That belongs to the mighty Blue Whale, which swims through the open ocean with a 12-foot firehose.

While Tubesteak can no longer wear the crown as “most endowed dude,” he should still consider himself fortunate because he’s in a better position than both Jack Morley and Steve Wasylchyk. Morley is known to have the smallest adult working schlong in the world, clocking in at three inches when at top capacity. Wasylchyk, however, is facing some pretty tough times. He is known to have the smallest willy in America at 5 millimeters (think Tic-Tac). Due to lack of female contact and severe erosion from years of off-the-charts whacking off, his little pecker can no longer get hard and mighty.

For you Massachusetts dudes, be happy your not as bad off as Bryan Welch from Michael’s Moving Co. in Boston. He was identified in both Playboy (June 2007) and Men’s Health (September 2008) as having the state’s smallest johnson. Neither publication was able to print just how tiny it is for fear of a lawsuit, but Playboy called it “thinner and about half as long as those golf course pencils.” Like Wasylchyk, Maxim said his is also eroded beyond use by years of excessive dolphin flogging.

The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

To Call Back or Not To Call Back

Decent Community members are f’ing popular, and with great popularity comes a great amount of missed phone calls. At times, we’ll receive up to 7 missed calls in one phone glance — and much of the time people don’t leave a message. Therein lies a puzzler: Is it common decency to call someone back if they don’t leave a message?

There is always a reason someone makes a call, but if no message is left it can’t be that important, right? Or is simply receiving the missed call sufficient justification for an automatic call back? Are you a dick if you don’t call them back? Or should you text them something saying, “Is it worth calling you back? I can’t tell because you didn’t leave a message or even a text.”

Of course it depends on who’s calling you — but let’s just say it’s a regular friend of yours. Does it depend on how you’re feeling? Maybe someone is calling you to go out for drinks and you don’t feel like going out (weird, but not impossible). What is the generally accepted etiquette?

Perhaps we can leave this to Community members. Can we get a proper procedure here? What is the decent approach? Please take a second to vote below and feel free to leave advice in our comments section.

The Little World of Lacrosse

Lacrosse players live in their own little world. While the above video is a parody, it’s decent because it strikes all the right chords. Believe it or not, both Tubesteak’s boarding school and college were lacrosse hotbeds, and I know all too well what these bastards are about.

Lax players primarily come from wealthy suburbs of the Baltimore/DC area, a 30 mile radius of NYC (Long Island, SW Conn., North Jersey), Syracuse/Upstate region, and tony Northeastern prep schools. These bastards think they’re pretty cool for playing a sport most people could give two shits about.

Most lacrosse players aren’t good athletes. And any good athlete can turn into a dominant lacrosse player. I’ve seen this first hand. The talent pool is so small because there’s better sports to play and most people don’t want to join a team full of douchebags. Forgive me if I’m stereotyping — but stereotypes exist for a reason.

It’s a niche sport that’ll never gain mainstream popularity. And if lacrosse ever did make it to the masses, I don’t think all these “lax brahs” would have much to hang onto. They’re probably better off twiddling their sticks amongst their own kind, happy that they can be decent at some kind of sport.

Aztec Civilization Making Comeback

aztec-warrior-jaguar

CENTRAL MEXICO — Recent reports out of Central Mexico indicate that the Aztec civilization is making a cumback (my girl edited this) in attempt to regain its dominance held in the 14th, 15th and 16th centuries. 

Mexican authorities recently apprehended three unnamed Aztec warriors after a public human sacrifice in a Western Mexico suburb.  “Once we got the men to stop carving sketches into the prison wall we were able to ask them why they were terrorizing our communities.  While the motives behind the recent invasion of our towns are unknown, we have learned that there are two main causes for the Aztecs striking back,” a Mexican authority said after questioning the three little bastards.

The Aztecs stated their main reason for their violent return is to hunt down and kill Spanish conquistadors such as Hernán Cortés and Bernal Díaz delCastillo, but, when informed that both men died in 1547, they confessed that the Spanish conquistadors are a front for their primary reason for attacking.

The men finally admitted that they’ve stepped back into the spotlight because of the misconception that a chalupa is the dog from the Taco Bell commercials, indicating that any individual that doesn’t know the difference between a dog and a chalupa does not deserve to live.

Those close to the Aztecs say they hope that after they’ve destroyed weaker civilizations, they can continue their development by applying for membership in the World Health Organization to increase their access to essential medication, International Conference of Harmonization to promote free trade of their corn products, and The United Nations to promote international law.

The Aztecs have made reference to some things they will not destroy as their civilization grows:  Shark Week on the Discovery Chanel, The Tampa Bay Rays, The Home Shopping Network, The Mississippi River, chocolate and Smart Cars.  Everything else is expected to be killed or burned to the ground accordingly.