Our Favorite Facebook.com Status Updates

Here is a short list of our favorite Facebook.com status updates.

“One of those days :-(“ — It sure is.

“I need to work on my McConaughey” — I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this.

“When will I see my Thad again?” — That’s right.  “Thad”!

Video game updates — All day I was wondering if Donny completed the “Manage a Chop Shop” mission in Mobsters 2…  And now I know.

“Watching Jersey Shore” — Great show.

“Happy New Year!” — Can’t go wrong with a good old fashioned HNY.

“Just watched ‘He’s Not That Into You’…  Good movie wish I had seen it sooner!  Lol.” — What!?  He’s right, it is good!

“Out and about.  Where you at?” —  Is this a rhetorical question?

“Picking my nose… Can’t decide if I should eat it or not” — I swear I saw this and the person who posted it is older than 8.

“I just pooped my butt cheeks” — Different person, but again, older than 8.

“Staining my new book shelves” — Why on earth would you ever announce to the World that you are doing this?

And in the just when you think it can’t get any worse department:  When researching this post I came to learn that their are websites independent of Facebook.com solely dedicated to posting “funny” Facebook.com status updates…  I feel a little dirty.

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Funny Metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s 25 winners:

1. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

2. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

3. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

6. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

8. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

9. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Continue reading

Tales From The Handicap Bathroom

restroom-signs-man-woman-handicap

dear decent community,

you ever use one of those ‘low flush’ toilets where there isn’t much water in the toilet?  well we’ve got one here at work in the crapper i use and i dropped a BOMB this morning, not solid, but not rhea, i wiped a bunch of times to get the remnants from my bung and got up to flush… there was a shitpile bigger than a softball sitting on the porcelain just above the water line with most of the TP falling to the side of it… i promptly gagged and flushed… the water grabbed the still dry paper and pulled that down, but didn’t get the shit, it just slid it down toward the hole, the dry paper clogged the toilet and left the shit pile sitting alone in the hole of the bowl with almost no water… this is the handicap bathroom in our office that a TON of people use because it is the only place you can go in and lock the door and have your own bathroom to yourself (a one seater if you will) and it is in a high foot traffic area (3 ppl turdburgled me while i was taking this dump) so i was face with either grabbing the plunger and basically pushing my shit down the hole, or trying to get out of there without anyone seeing me flee the scene.  I chose the plunger.  I got to the point where most of the shit was pressed down into the hole, but there was so little water in the bowl i couldn’t get good suction seal w/the plunger and was splashing poopy water all over the place.  I pulled the plunger out and flushed again… nothing… but water did fill the bowl so i got a better plunge – i flushed again and everything went down, BUT 2 things were absolutely wrong about the end result, #1 it looked like someone took a brown paintbrush to the toilet and #2 there was a piece of walnut on the side of the plunger and (to my knowledge) is still there sitting behind the toilet… i feel like i can still smell the poo stink on me.

regards,

jordache

A Decent Fall Outfit

fall

Undoubtedly Urban Outfitters give me a boner and the outfits they supply are straight up horn-inducing.  Unlike Tube, however, I don’t have such a singular allegiance to one (albeit very high quality) establishment.

I’ve scoured the net, gone through all my fall catalogs and have walked up and down the trendiest streets in the trendiest cities and have finally found my perfect Fall outfit!

I call it, Fall is in The Air.  An outfit by Helmet Head.

Fall is in the Air.  An Outfit by Helmet Head.

Shoes —  Birkenstocks.  It doesn’t matter if you’re heading out for a picnic with a group of good buddies, into the office for an important meeting or heading back to prep school for the Fall semester a good mandal keeps your feet comfortable all day long.

Birkenstocks

Socks — Wool Socks.  Three words:  Durability, durability, durability.  Nothing says I don’t give a fuck! like a thick pair of wool socks.

wool-socks

Underwear — Smiley Face Joe Boxer.  The fit is comfortable, without being constrictive.  Exclusivley sold at Kmart and Sears… Need I say more.

2-joe-boxer

Belt — White Guns N Roses Belt.  Take me down to Paradise City, indeed!

Guns_N_Roses_White_Rose_Belt1

Pants — Skinny Jeans.  I know, I know, old news Helmet skinny jeans have been in for months.  Well fuck you!  I like them and that’s that.  Plus they look slammin with my choice of shirt.

skinny_jeans_men

Shirt — LL Bean’s Mock-Turtleneck.  A shirt needs to scream fuck me without screaming fuck you, and that’s why I’ve gone with a simple fall classic.  Burley, Black Spruce, Timber or Navy women can’t resist The Mock.

Mock

Hat — Zephyr Boston Bruins Rink Fleece Helmet.  Be stylish, warm and show your allegiance to your favorite winter sport team and promote safety with this ultra-cool fleece helmet.

Bruins Hat

This advice is DECENT COMMUNITY GUARANTEED.  You have our word.  These items are guaranteed to give 100% satisfaction in every way.

Aztec Civilization Making Comeback

aztec-warrior-jaguar

CENTRAL MEXICO — Recent reports out of Central Mexico indicate that the Aztec civilization is making a cumback (my girl edited this) in attempt to regain its dominance held in the 14th, 15th and 16th centuries. 

Mexican authorities recently apprehended three unnamed Aztec warriors after a public human sacrifice in a Western Mexico suburb.  “Once we got the men to stop carving sketches into the prison wall we were able to ask them why they were terrorizing our communities.  While the motives behind the recent invasion of our towns are unknown, we have learned that there are two main causes for the Aztecs striking back,” a Mexican authority said after questioning the three little bastards.

The Aztecs stated their main reason for their violent return is to hunt down and kill Spanish conquistadors such as Hernán Cortés and Bernal Díaz delCastillo, but, when informed that both men died in 1547, they confessed that the Spanish conquistadors are a front for their primary reason for attacking.

The men finally admitted that they’ve stepped back into the spotlight because of the misconception that a chalupa is the dog from the Taco Bell commercials, indicating that any individual that doesn’t know the difference between a dog and a chalupa does not deserve to live.

Those close to the Aztecs say they hope that after they’ve destroyed weaker civilizations, they can continue their development by applying for membership in the World Health Organization to increase their access to essential medication, International Conference of Harmonization to promote free trade of their corn products, and The United Nations to promote international law.

The Aztecs have made reference to some things they will not destroy as their civilization grows:  Shark Week on the Discovery Chanel, The Tampa Bay Rays, The Home Shopping Network, The Mississippi River, chocolate and Smart Cars.  Everything else is expected to be killed or burned to the ground accordingly.

Little Nuggets of Decency

nugget toilet

Decent Community Urban Dictionary

foul

Voyeurs going after a foul ball

Foul Ball (noun) –  Slang for an erratic projectile of pud suds shooting away from the explosive stream of primary funky spunk landing out of play or out of bounds.  In general when a this occurs, the errant love butter is considered dead and the doer must return to his or her original position and continue his turn at the “plate”.

A foul ball is often accompanied by a producer, director, friend or acquaintance yelling “FOUL baaaAAAALLLL!” alerting others in the facility to take cover…

The foul ball often lands unexpectedly, and without penalty to the doer or benefit to the doey, in a voyeur’s lap or violently splashes onto a voyeur’s head. 

Depending on the favorability of the doer, voyeurs may be inclined to go after the foul ball, many times violently, it attempt to acquire possession.  Once acquired, the foul ball is often held up by the voyeur in glee as other voyeurs cheer for his accomplishments.  A memento of the occasion if you will.

In covered facilities, if your little guys (or girls) hit the roof, roof support structure or objects suspended by the roof and lands in foul territory OR if it gets lodged in any of those objects in foul territory and does not fall back into the area of boning it is a foul ball.

P.s. There are two voyeurs in the above picture who are afraid of foul balls.  Can you spot them?