Give Thanks

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Here are some things I am thankful for:

  • Wet Wet Wet
  • Power couples
  • Beyonce
  • Snacks
  • Waitstaff
  • Cool haircuts
  • Ice cream
  • Hot wax
  • Funk
  • Snakes
  • Randy’s (Jackson, Real World, Moss, Macho Man, Quaid, Couture)
  • Scooters
  • Coolers
  • Mustaches
  • My closet full of cool shoes
  • Tank tops
  • Dungaree jeans
  • The Massachusetts Go Kart Society
  • Pudding
  • Squirrels
  • Headiness
  • McDonalds
  • Helmets

What are some things you are thankful for?

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Extramarital Affairs

The lowdown on extramarital affairs is often murky. One hand, you’re married and you vowed to exclusively bone your significant other. A vow is a vow. On the other hand, you’ve been engaging in some extremely pleasurable humps lately, and to be frank — you’re life is exciting again! Decency here, indecency there, so The Community thought it may be wise to investigate the causes and signs of extramarital affairs to see if we can’t paint a clearer picture.

According to some crackpot website, the following are the ten most common warnings/triggers of your significant other being involved in an affair:

  1. Guy can’t get a boner, lady is never moist. Not sure what to do about this. Viagra and lube I guess? (Decent)
  2. Your spouse is often angry, critical, and even cruel. One of The Community’s favorite mantras is “Don’t be Cruel!” (Indecent)
  3. There are relationship control issues. If you’re titties are no longer juicy, I’m gonna have trouble with you bossing me around. (Decent)
  4. Your spouse wears shirts like the one above. Great, suggestive shirt! (Decent)
  5. One spouse masturbates at least five times a day. Hey, whatever! (Decent)
  6. Your spouse takes extra care of their appearance. This is a good thing. The less ugly people we have — the better.
  7. There’s a heightened need for privacy. Privacy should be granted whenever requested. (Decent)
  8. Every other word out of the husband’s mouth is “cleavage.” This is also probably a good thing. There are no negative connotations with the word “cleavage.” (Decent)
  9. The spouse sees the other spouse in the act of intercourse. Hey, it’s free porn, and it’s their own free will. (Decent)
  10. One spouse gets laid off from their job and watches Popeye reruns all day. Popeye is a great show. (Decent)

So — after some thorough examination, it looks like the baggage that comes with affairs is often decent. But that’s not to say that once you get married you should bone away with other citizens. As mentioned before, a vow is a vow — and perhaps a Community member’s most important asset is the validity of their word. Despite all the fringe benefits and a spike in love making statistics, breaking your word is indecent — so if you wanna fuck around with a bunch of broads, it’s The Community’s stance that you might as well not be married.

Chopping Slabs of Ice at Bars

One of the most overlooked scenes in cinematic history, this four minute stretch of Karate Kid Part II is basically the definitive display on what it means to be decent. Let’s examine:

  • First of all, that has to be one of the coolest bars I’ve ever seen. The place was rockin hard in the middle of the day. But even more decent, they have a setup where you can gamble on who can karate chop slabs of ice. Are all bars like this in Okinowa? First order of business when I open a bar? Get an ice chopping contraption.
  • Larusso somehow manages to block out all the distractions around him (especially from that dick Chozen) by simply doing that laid back shit where he cups his hands and prays upwards then outwards. I’m definitely trying this next time I’m in a pressure situation.
  • Many could argue that this was the turning point when the audience realizes that Miyagi is playing chess while Sato is playing checkers. Just look at Sato’s stare of disgust when Miyagi and Daniel-San put on their exhibition of focus. Immediately afterwards, when Chozen tries to reneg on his wager (not decent), Sato sets the record straight, even if it’s a huge blow to his reputation amongst the villagers.
  • Of course, there’s the reward for chopping six slabs of ice in an Okinowan bar — walking out with a slammin Asian chick in your arms. Kumiko was, and will forever remain, the hottest Asian chick I’ve ever seen.
  • Despite Chozen being one of the biggest ass holes in all of Asia, he still manages to sport some seriously stylish threads that still hold up over 20 years later. Sure the dude was a prick, but let’s hand it to him, he knew his fashion.

To recap — winning a good amount lettuce at a seriously raucous/stylish bar while chopping blocks of ice with unprecedented focus and, as a result, scoring with a hot Asian broad. Daniel-San wins, Miyagi wins, and supreme decency, in all its grandeur, is vicorious in just about every imaginable way.

That’s What She Said

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Much to the delight and adoration of your assembled friends a perfectly timed “That’s What She Said” joke never fails to extol decent laughs from everyone.  This staple of the sexual innuendo has held an important role in every major conversation throughout history and still is very relevant if not required in our everyday lives.

A travel through the history books, allows us to fully appreciate this Mona Lisa:

Aaron to Moses (~1300-1500 BC)

Moses “Wow, if that was harder it would have lasted a lot longer”

Aaron “That’s what she said”

John Hancock to Samuel Adams (July 4, 1776)

Sam Adams “You’re soo big its hard for the rest of us to get in there”

John Hancock “That’s what she said”

George Armstrong Custer to Major Reno (June 25, 1874)

Major Reno “I’m ready give it to those shirtless savages”

G.A. Custer “That’s what she said” 

Henrik Lindstrom to Roald Amundsen (December 14, 1911)

Roald Amundsen “I’m on the Pole – and it’s the best feeling in the world”

Henrik Lindstrom “That’s what she said”

With such a storied past and a promising future – the Community embraces and encourages the use of such an important phrase.   Personally, I try to use it every chance I get, with friends or complete strangers………  That’s what she said –

Thanks to PTrain for writing such a lovely piece.

Dying Words From a Hoagie

(What follows is a transcript of an anonymous hoagie’s last words.)

“I’ve often imagined how my last minutes would be written. As a hoagie, we’re born knowing that being eaten is inevitable, and finally, today, my divine decree has come. ‘Number 13 – The Dirty Sanchez.’ I heard it about a minute ago, and before I could say ‘Ross, Chandler, and Joey’ I’m now being filled up with Chicken cutlets, American cheese, mozzarella sticks, bacon, french fries, and a hideous concoction called ‘Sanchez Sauce.’ Indeed, I’m on my way out — and after a quick survey of all the customers in our shoppe, I’m praying that the fat, mustachioed, sweaty guy in a tank top didn’t order me.

“I’m not complaining! I swear, some people have this impression of hoagies that we’re all just slime and grease — a simple quick fix with little, if any, substance. That’s the same as saying Jennifer Aniston has no reason to be angry with Angelina. It’s like saying Paris Hilton and Stavros Nachos aren’t meant to be together, or Britney’s comeback is ill-fated. Don’t you people know anything?

“I’m really not bitter! I swear to God! I lived better than most hoagies could ever dream. Thanks to the TV in our shoppe, I got to watch the season four finale of Dancing with the Stars. I was also blessed to witness David Archuletta channel is inner Bryan Adams on American Idol. Yes, most other hoagies are probably jealous, and I’m glad. After all, I’m about to be eaten.

“Seriously though! Fuckin shit! I’m about to die!!! What will ever come of Leo DiCaprio’s fling with Kate Bosworth? Will Reese ever get married again? Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp! Johnny Depp!!! I’m now on the counter! Puff Daddy!!! Save me!! Ben Affleck!! Rosie O’Donnell!!!!!!

“Ahhh!!! I’m being whisked away on a trey! It’s the fat dude with a mustache, whose perspiring like John Goodman! I loved you on Roseanne, John Goodman! Ashley Simpson had a baby boy today! Did you know that? Stop sweating on me!!! Madonna and Guy Ritchie!! Ellen Degeneres!! Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex and the City! Listen to me fatboy!!!! Can’t you hear what I’m saying??? AAAHHHHHHH!!! NOOOO!!”

Commentary on Cell Phones

For the past two hours, I’ve been staring at my old hunk-of-shit cell phone, thinking about how uncool everyone thinks I am when they see me use it. In case you didn’t know, your level of coolness is totally proportional to how cool your cell phone is. Mobile phones pretty much change every year, so for every year that your cell phone has been in existence, you can subtract a level of decency that could otherwise be attributable to you.

Looking back on the cell phone phenomenon, it’s pretty insane to witness its evolution. I remember seeing my Mom’s first cell phone, which she carried around in a suitcase-like contraption. Then there was the Zack Morris phone with the long fuckin antenna. Then there was just those regular Nokias — the basic, modern cell phone that was the gateway to infamous flip phone! Then it was a matter of obtaining the smallest phone possible, then it was the razor, then the Blackberry, then the iPhone. Not to mention those horrendous Bluetooth contraptions! What kind of fag uses one of those?

Go back ten years, and nobody would give two shits if they couldn’t contact you. Nowadays, losing your phone is worse than getting AIDS. If you miss a couple calls, there’s a strong chance you may be dead, and if a text message isn’t returned within an hour, it’s probably because you have an undying hatred for the original sender. Imagine!

Cell phones have done away with regular phones, calculators, cameras, and even computers. They’ve changed the way we write to each other, changed the way we interact with one another, and changed what we expect of each other. Amidst this celly phenomenon, there’s certain characteristics that are decent, and some that are for the birds. At The Community, we urge putting cell phones, their culture, and their usage in the most proper, decent perspective.

What To Do This Weekend in Boston

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Weekend Forecast

Thursday 20-Nov-2008

The All-American Rejects @ Paradise Rock Club

Pistons vs. C’s @ TD Banknorth Garden

Friday 21-Nov-2008

Video Games Live in Boston @ Wang Center

Artie Lange @ Wilbur Theatre

Robyn Hitchcock @ Somerville Theatre

B’s @ TD Banknorth Garden

Arlo Guthrie @ Colonial Theatre

Drive this guy to Boston so he can see his girlfriend

Dark Star Orchestra @ Lowell Memorial Auditorium

Al Green @ Showcase Live in Foxboro

On the tube:  C’s @ T-Wolves (7:30)

Saturday 22-Nov-2008

24th Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony @ Faneuil Hall Marketplace

Tower of Power @ Sculler Jazz Club

Jim Gaffigan @ Berklee

Laser Shows, Pink Floyd, U2, Beatles, Metallica, Zeplin @ Charles Hayden Planetarium

On the tube:  Michigan @ Ohio State (12:00), West Virginia @ Louisville (12:00), Michigan State @ Penn State (3:30), Pitt @ Cincinnati (7:00), Texas Tech @ Oklahoma (8:00)

Sunday 23-Nov-2008

Becks and Bagels @ Sports Dome

1st Annual Decent Community Dolphin BBQ @ Sports Dome

On the tube:  C’s @ Raptors (12:30), P-Men @ Dolphins (1:00)