The Community’s Rapper of Choice

Warn the town! The beast is loose! Today The Community thought we’d bring some attention to an up and coming rapper from Boston who goes by the name of Miggity Merls. Mainly known for his clever wordsmanship on the Eastern Mass party circuit, Miggity Merls is the epitome of keeping it real and decent, offering refreshing takes on suburbia, pills, hardship, and respect.

At any given moment Miggity Merls drops awe-inspiring manifestos that relate to a realm of realities — identifying with the hardened street thug, the upper class drug dealer, the prep school outcast, and the rap game rocket scientist. He can battle or drop smooth flows, but you can be sure that when he steps to the mic the truth will be heard. Raise up!

Be on the lookout for Miggity Merls on the streets of Boston, rhyming with and about his dynamic crew of bastards. It’s our hope that Miggity will also be joining The Decent Community in the near future to serve as our hip hop lord. You heard it here first. Check it, check it, check it. Miggity Merls reigns supreme!

Breaking News: Eli Manning is Gay

A Decent Community member has reported what has long been suspected but never actually been proven: Eli Manning is gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). One of our San Francisco correspondents tells us that his co-worker is good friends with a male lover of Eli’s. Apparently this male lover makes frequent cross-country trips to New York, checks into hotels under a pseudonym (as does Eli) and they do their thing.

The Community has repeatedly asked our correspondent if his information is accurate, and he swears by it, while also stressing that his co-worker was extremely adamant about the validity of the story. And though it may be difficult to believe that a gay quarterback could beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, this is apparently what happened.

We should note that Eli Manning is married — a clever cover-up mechanism indeed! But that doesn’t change the fact that he enjoys antiquing with his mother and wife during the off-season or discount the fruit loops jokes played on Eli by his teammates. The evidence is overwhelming.

The Decent Communtiy does not discriminate based on sexual orientation, but we felt that some of our readers would find this bit of information interesting. Such a prominent athlete being a homosexual is definitely a newsworthy item! Eli Manning is gay — word is out.

Matt Cassel is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

In a week of celebration and appreciation, Matt Cassel has been named Decent Community’s Decent Bastard of the Week. Let’s look back to Week 1, with the injury of handsome Tom Brady. All New England faithful were skeptical at best about the Pat’s chances of success. Our team had a QB who hadn’t started a goddamn game since high school. And after a few shaky weeks, there was no way the Pats would return to glory.

But after a record scratch, and a gradually mounted groove, Cassel’s performance has been the epitome of decency. Here we stand, 10-5, with a fair shot at the playoffs, mainly because Cassel’s level execution has been pretty much second to none. He overcame emotional strains, lack of experience, and all of his doubters to become one of the NFL’s top passers. Community reader Troy Brown writes about his nomination:

“Cassel has been anything but a hassle. While at first he fretted when getting pressure in the pocket, nowadays he’s simply a bad mutha! This bastard is probably the second best QB (aside from handsome Tom) that the Pats could ask for. Enduring the grueling demands of the NFL while taking his first meaningful snaps since he was probably 18 years old, Matty Cassel has administered his position with the utmost efficiency. I’d also do his wife if he’d oblige.”

Indeed Troy! Thank you for your nomination — it’s long overdue. The Community would like to give a heartfelt thanks to Matt Cassel for salvaging our season, listening to Belichick and McDaniels, and just being a really decent bastard. We wish him and the rest of the Pats organization good luck in the final week of the season, and pray that they can deliver their fans a playoff berth for Christmas!

Big Baby

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The Community wishes Boston Celtics and avid Decent Community reader, Big Baby Davis a full recovery from a car accident he was in yesterday afternoon. On an epic team full of decent bastards there is non bigger than GBBD.  Baby has had a breakout year this season and we hope he gets back on the courts soon.  Get well soon Big Baby, get well soon.

Where Does the Money Come From?

Searching around in my pockets this afternoon, looking for some spare lettuce to purchase an extra gift or two, I thought to myself about money, how it’s so easy to come by for some, while so many others struggle just to get by. I mean, it’s pretty incredible how much money our government is dishing out, but even more incredible about what they’re dishing it out for.

Forgive me if I’m preaching — it’s said that we’re spending almost $350 million per day in Iraq — a war that’s proven somewhat futile at this point, given all the information that’s available. Estimated costs of our ventures in Iraq are going to total $3 trillion. Imagine! Moreover, it seems like everyday we hear about frauds and scams in the financial industry and our government handing out over $700 billion to the gluttunous snakes who put themselves in their own foredoomed position in the first place. Explain to me the logic here.

The worst part of this scenario is that the people who are suffering, many who never made such egregious decisions, the people barely scraping by, the people getting laid off — they harbor the consequences of poor judgements by a small group of greedy dickheads/fuckfaces who will continue to live among the jet set.

It makes no sense that when the United States wants to invade a country or clean up financial messes of billionaires, there’s always money to be found. But with regard to healthcare, education, and other essential domestic issues, there’s never any money. We can only hope that a new year and new administration will bring some semblence of rationale to our scene. Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t be a Grinch!

Law Firm “Snowdown Mowdown”

BOSTON – With Boston expected to get a walloping of snow this afternoon, most area businesses have made the decision to let their workers out early or not have have them come in at all. However, one area law firm overloaded with work has deceided to have what they’ve termed a “Snowdown Mowdown.”

A company memo reads as follows:

Because of an overload of essential business demands and some uncooperating weather Rogers, McKey, Sloan, and Davenport will have a lock-in for the weekend beginning December 19 and ending December 21. At the conclusion of the business day, RMS&D will lock their doors, all employees will get nude, and begin to mow each other down. We don’t want to term this an orgy, so we’re calling it the ‘Snowdown Mowdown.’ Please be as horny as possible once you’ve turned in your last briefing.”

Some Other Team Members for Obama

It seems that every day we’re introduced to a new member of Barack Obama’s team of rivals. Today we heard about dudes named Ken Salazar and Tom Vilsack who are working Agriculture and Interior scenes. We’ve also been introduced to names like Arne Duncan, Timothy Geithner, and Janet Napiltano. Old friends Hilary Clinton, Bill Richardson, Tom Daschle, and Robert Gates have also hopped aboard. The problem with this is nobody gives two shits about these people. Can’t Decent Bastard Obama come up with some creative selections? Appraently not, so The Community decided we’d take it upon outselves to fill up Obama’s cabinet.

  • Secretary of Sports/Comebacks – Doug FlutieThis bastard is reliable, charasmatic, and would get a college football playoff system in order. He’s also decent, great looking, and a New Englander.
  • Secretary of Hilarities/Obnoxiousness – Bobcat GoldthwaitBobcat has been grooming himself for this role since the early eighties. His unconventional deliveries would surely get noticed by other world leaders. This appointment would also help his fledging career.
  • Secretary of Marijuana/Chillness – Alex Trebek – This appointment should be a no-brainer for Obama. One of the most relaxed/funny/all-knowing dudes in our country, Trebek would have side kick Johnny Gilbert doing the dirty work while he served as figurehead. I don’t care if he’s originally from Canada.
  • Secretary of Muscles/Ass-Kicking – Brock Lesner – This former wrestling star and current MMA darling would work closely with Robert Gates to frighten the shit out of our frail enemies who snack primarily on rice. He’d end the constant threat of nuclear terrorism with one flex of his guns.
  • Secretary of Pornography – Santa Claus – If Santa was the head of porn, that would surely mean that porn becomes more accepted within our nation’s borders. Porn would also probably find its way under more Christmas trees. Most everyone would love this.
  • Secretary of Wafers – Crocodile Dundee – Everyone loves to eat wafers and everyone loves Crocodile Dundee! G’Day Mate! Obama would be wise to create this position and appoint Dundee before it’s too late.
  • Secretary of Decency – Decent Community – Imagine! We’re not saying it couldn’t happen, but can you just think for a minute about all the decency that would reign over our nation? There’s many decent changes we could bring.

It’s our sincere hope that Barack gets a chance to read this. (We’re told he’s an avid Community reader.) One thing that Barack may want to consider is changing the title of “Secretary.” Aren’t secretaries usually broads with big tities who answer phones and put out for their boss? Why not change it to “Master of _____,” “Guru of _____,” or “Top Dog of _____”? This is definitely something he should look into.

The Most Decent Jack Knife of All Time

During my Christmas shopping escapades, I came across what’s probably the most extraordinary gift of all time. It’s called the “Giant Knife” and I thought it would be the perfect present for my younger sister. You see, she has two primary interests — clothes and jack knifes. This obviously fits into the second category.

Just take a minute to absorb what’s going on here. This piece has 87 implements that perform 141 functions. Mad blades, files, cleaners, screwdrivers, wrenches, rulers, and openers. There’s utilities for golf, a laser pointer, a magnifying glass, a fish scaler, a hook disgorger, a flashlight, and wire strippers. There’s also a flatscreen TV, a computer, a blender, a couch, and your very own pizzeria.

It’s safe to say that my sis will be elated when she opens this up. If she wanted, she could probably sell off the rest of her possessions (giving me the proceeds) and still manage to live a more than comfortable lifestyle simply by owning this jack knife. Essentially, I’ll be setting her up for life. Such is the way of this beautiful, multi-faceted piece — the Decent Community of the jack knife world.

***Note: If you aren’t as rich as me and can’t afford this jack knife, the following life-altering gifts may serve as very decent substitutes: snowball launcher, monocycle, bow and arrow, binoculars/flask, and cooler/scooter.

…and on Drums and Vocals…

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Below is a quick list of a decent and rare talent:  Those who play the drums and sing in their respected bands.  Obviously, the list of those who sing and drum is quite substantial so we have narrowed it down to the most decent and influential vocalists/percussionists to hit the stage in the past 65 years.

1.  Levon Helm (drums, vocals) for The Band.  The Band is one of The Community’s favorite groups, thus it comes as no surprise that this insanely heady singer and drummer comes in at number one.

2.  Don Henley (drums, vocals) for The Eagles.  For smoothness and overall notoriety, Henley tops out at number two on our list.  Henley isn’t the Community’s most favorite artist, but he is at the top primarily because of his hair, which is almost as smooth as his vocal jams and rhythmic beats.

3.  Philip David “Dave” Charles “Phil” Collins (drums, vocals) for Flaming Youth and Genesis.  “I can see it comin in the dead of night… Hold on… Hold oooonnnnnn…..”  You all know how that song begins!  Sick drum intro.

4.  Ringo Starr (drums, vocals) for The Beatles.  What a great guy!

5.  Mike D (drums, vocals) for Beastie Boys.  The Beastie Boys jazz funk shit right out — highly underrated on the instrumental front.

6.  Micky Dolenz (drums, vocals) for The Monkees.  As the lead singer for one of the greatest made for television bands, Micky hits our list.  The Monkees are hard to figure out.  Are they decent or are they lame?  The Community is simply not sure.  Either way, they are The Monkees and they monkey around, and monkeying around is OK with us.

7.  Dave Grohl (drums, vocals) for Nirvana and Foo Fighters.  Grohl, not be confused with Grolsch, lands on our list for work with both Nirvana and The Foosters.  Even with limited singing engagements with Nirvana and likewise drumming with The Foo Fighters, Grohl is received as a decent singer-drummer for combined work in both rock bands.

8.  Todd Nance (drums, vocals) for Widespread Panic.  The Jamband Community wouldn’t respect of if one of their ilk didn’t make the list.  More than that, however, Mr. Nance can kick some sweet beats while dropping some melodic rhymes.  The southern ladies take off their pants for Mr. Nance and so does The Community (metaphorically speaking).

9.  Meg White (drums, vocals) for The White Stripes.  Meg may not be the best drummer, but The Community salutes her tri-role in The White Stripes as drummer, singer, and one with the nice large round melons.  We’d also like to note that The White Stripes, while highly rated as a formidable alternative band, are a great throwback to hard rock and blues rock groups such as Led Zeppelin and Bo Diddley.

10.  Animal (drums, vocals) The Muppets House Band.  You try playing the drums and singing with a grown man’s hand up your ass.

Decent Gifts for Community Members

Christmas is fast approaching, and many of you are probably scrambling to find that perfect gift for your beloved Community member. Indeed, there’s just over a week left to get your gifts, but fear not! There’s no reason to fret, because today The Community provides a decent gift idea guide that won’t break the bank. All gift suggestions were sent in by actual Community readers.

If you’d like more help in picking out that perfect gift, The Community invites all of our readers to send questions over to DecentCommunity@gmail.com. If you tell us a little bit about who you’re buying for, we will come up with a most decent gift idea. Happy Holidays!

Decent Links of the Week

Thought we’d close out the week with some decent links to browse after you ruined a couple Christmas parties this weekend by a.) hooking up with somebody’s girlfriend, b.) barfing on the host, c.) bringing a terrible hors d’oeuvre, or d.) just being yourself.

  • If you’re intrigued by old school castles and possibly want to live in one someday, this site will probably get you pretty horny.
  • One of the best things about The Decent Community is all the wild creatures who are a part of it. Check them out!
  • Always wanted to make a dank Decent Community beirut table. Can anyone out there do that for us? For now, we can stay occupied with these bad-to-the-boners!
  • Everyone’s grocery shopping experience is different. This site has a near infinite collection of collected grocery lists. Get a feel for what people are grizzlin on!
  • The Community is big on the pirates and their scene. We refer to this website often to be sure we’re abiding by the pirate laws! The Community abides!
  • Came across this interesting webiste that offers a history of rock n’ roll music that’s been banned by governments and radio stations.
  • I was in an online forum about pubic hair and was completely enchanted by this conversation.
  • Thinking about getting into panhandling if I can’t score a new gig soon. Went to this site for inspiration on what my sign should say.

HAVE A DECENT WEEKEND!

Tourney of Magnificent Restaurants

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Today we have the long awaited Tournament of Magnificent Restaurants. This is the cream of the crop, most expensive, romantic places you can go. Wanna see a movie star? Try visiting one of the restaurants above. Looking for ambiance and unparalleled atmosphere? These are the restaurants you want to dine at. While most of these joints have pretty much the same menu (with a few exceptions), we did manage to sort through the debris to bring you the most magnificent restaurant in all the land.

This was no easy task! Pitting steakhouse against steakhouse, Tuesday’s versus Friday’s, Pub 99 against Friendly’s. But alas, there had to be a winner.

International House of Pancakes made an impressive showing against the other giants of the service industry. Their maple syrup and their clientele of old, grizzled senior citizens helped them advance. Olive Garden and Red Lobster were also surprise winners for having free breadsticks and the freshest seafood. Both places also are decent for family outings.

Perhaps the most mind-blowing matchup of the tournament featured New England powerhouses Pub 99 and Friendly’s. This should have been the finale, but whoever drew up the brackets clearly blew it on this one. Pub 99 edged them as a result of their superior fare, tall bronsons, chicken wraps, and their array of breathtaking appetizers. We should also mention that the atmosphere at ‘the nines” absolutely cannot be beat.

And so it is decalred — Pub 99 is the Most Magnificent Restaurant in the world. I’d like to ask that everyone not sprint there immediately after reading this — we don’t want to overwhelm our dear friends at “the nines.” However, you’d be a big-time dork if you don’t stop by there this holiday season to enjoy a truly decent experience that will arouse you in unimaginable ways!

Vibration

6mm Cell Phone Vibrator

Before cell phones vibration was designated to dildos.  This sensation wasn’t widely understood by all, as it is today. 

With the invention of cell phones many things followed that were not around before:  Texting, handheld computers, picture messages, bluetooth, etc.  However, none is more obvious in my opinion than vibration. 

Before cell phones the sensation of a vibration on your leg or in your hand would probably feel foreign.  However, now a vibrating leg is commonplace.  In fact, we are soo accustom to vibration we even feel it when it is not there.  We can feel a phone vibrating through the coffee table into the floor and into the other room of the house — My phone is ringing!

Likewise we can hear vibration.  We are now a society with acute vibration hearing.  There’s seldom a time where a phone vibrates and you don’t hear it.  We can even tell if the noise produced by the vibration is for your own phone or someone else’s — zzzzzzzzzzzzvvvvvvvvzvzvzvzvzvv!!!! — That’s my phone! 

It’s really quite astonishing.  Cell phones haven’t been around for that long, but before them there was no discussion of vibration.  We didn’t know what it felt like and if you felt it 15 years ago you would think there was an earthquake or something was terribly wrong with your leg.  We sure as shit didn’t know what vibration sounded like as we do today and would probably have been confused at its sound.

Many things and ways of communication have changed on account of cell phones, but nothing illustrates the cell phone’s influence on society more than vibration.

The Decency of Dry Humping

The most decent method of expressing love without running the risk of contracting an STD has to be the ever-pleasurable dry hump. There is no more instinctive, carnal means of getting it on — just letting humankind’s natural rhythms communicate its deepest affections — albeit if your garments are blocking the standard entry points associated with love making.

It could be said that dry humping is in fact more stimulating than standard sex. A blitzkrieg of passion that does away with the formality of removing your gear — dry humping tends to induce ejaculation more so than typical intercourse. It should also be noted that getting bodily fluids on your garments is stylish, fragrant, and in the end, nifty.

You probably recall your first dry hump as one of the more decent experiences of your life. You’re also probably wondering why you don’t do it more often. Well, in the name of decency — throw on some clothes, find a partner, and go grind, rub, crunch, pound, pulverize, gnash, and mash your central areas together as if you actually had no clothes on. If you can’t find a partner, you can use a pillow, a piece of furniture, or something else lying around your apartment. Keep in mind that you’ll have to do twice the work! Happy dry humping adventures to all of the Decent Community!

Cornmeal Confusion

I can’t figure out if Ron left his cornmeal at my party this weekend. I don’t even know if Ron made it home from my party this weekend! His girlfriend asked if I’d seen the cornmeal, but frankly, I’m not sure how to answer that question. I don’t even know what cornmeal looks like. There are some things in my fridge that may be cornmeal. What a tough call!

The thing is — the time will come when we have to figure out what went on with this cornmeal. Ron is a good friend, and he deserves answers. Is there a certain ettiquette in handling these types of situations? I mean, honestly, I don’t even know at this point. It’s neither here nor there, but we should get to the bottom of this nonetheless.

But does it warrant this much thought? I mean, only a few things may have happened. We may have chowed Ron’s cornmeal at the party. We could still have Ron’s conrmeal in the fridge. Or Ron could have done something with it on the way home Saturday night. He was pretty drunk, so he could have done anything! God, cornmeal is lame! It’s so random that Ron’s girl asked me about the cornmeal. I think I’m just gonna let it be, and have the situation figure itself out.

I Can’t Find My Unduhweahs

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I live with my mom in Danvers and to supplement our income we have one of my good buddies staying with us.  Today I woke up to the following conversation between my roommate and his girlfriend.

Bobs Furniture commercial playing in the next room:  “Five hundred dollas for this dressa, sofer and a love seat- I doubt it….”

Roommate:  Babe, where ah my unduhweahs!?  I can’t find my fucking unduhweahs and I’m late for work.

Babe:  I don’t know where your unduhwheahs ah.

Roommate:  Babe, 128 is a fuckin pahkin lot after ten so I need to find my unduhweahs.  Anyone who drives to work on 128 needs to get a new job, move, or get a life.

Babe:  Git ovah yourself. 

Roommate:  Wanna go make out Helmet’s mum’s bed?

Babe:  Ok.  Strip down to ya undergarments.

Roommate:  Babe, I’m gonna be late to work… Ahhhh, srew it, I hate workin at Maashels anyway cause there is too much walkin’

Me:  Can you freaks please get out of my mom’s room?

Babe:  Aaa you from England or somethin’, you talk wicked propa?

Roomate:  Babe, don’t worry about him.  I wish we could just git on Air Canader and go somewhea together…  Maybe get a house this summa on the cape, just you and me…

Scars Will Bed You Women

This weekend I was at a hotel bar, trying to get it on with horny older women. The band was playing some extremely danceable music and everyone there was having a decent time. Luckily for me, I managed to grind out some sweaty moves with some equally sweaty older women, and during a funked out version of Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition,” the flyest, sweatiest one told me to come back to her room once the band was finished. I immediately got a woody!

There was still another half hour or so till the band would finish, so I danced around with some other sweaty women, all the while keeping my eye on the sweaty lady I’d be porking later that night. When the band finally finished, I ran over to her and flashed a rubber in front of her face. She shook her head and told me that she had found someone else who she would rather bone. He had a humongous scar on his face, and she explained that scars made her wet. I ran home crying.

How could a lady prefer some bastard solely because he had a gigantic scar? Well, it turns out this is a proven phenomenon. Apparently scars serve as a symbol of masculinity, bravery, courage, and the ability to withstand blows to the face. And these things make women moist. Scars may be ugly, but they make ladies lick their boobs and be all randy.

So, that very same night, I took out the sharpest knives in my collection and immediately began to mutilate my face. Blood was everywhere, there was only about one square inch of my original skin — I knocked out most of my teeth and ran back to the hotel. It was there that I saw the women about to enter the elevator with the dude who now had second-rate scars. Blood squirting from my face, eyeballs hanging out of their sockets, I bent down and flashed the same rubber in front of her face. The cougar, suddenly aroused, exclaimed, “I want to bed you.” I kicked the other guy in the knee, ran into the elevator with the women, and had a highly productive night of screwing.

Hot Fart Dip

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The Holidays are a great time to share some of your favorite dip recipes with friends.  One of my favorite dip recipes is for Hot Fart Dip.  Hot Fart Dip is culinarily easy to make, but takes dedication, determination and a keen nose.  HFD is composed of 3 parts hot farts vacuum sealed in a Tupperware container to 1 part warm moisture either provided by the farts or manually added — mist from boiling water or some other sort of condensation works quite well.

The Decent Week in Review

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Thought we’d close out the week with some news and observations going on in our decent world:

  • For those who don’t know, Tony Danza is the new host of The Contender. First Sly dropped out, then Sugar Ray Leonard dropped out, but somehow the producers lucked out by scoring the former boxing great Tony Danza as host. This season is filmed in Singapore, which makes no sense to me, and the winner will be awarded a ménage à trois with Angela Bower and her fuck-a-licious mother Mona.
  • Word is out that Michael Phelps has a new girlfriend — an Asian stripper from Vegas. Just this week he was featured on 60 Minutes and awarded SI’s Sportsman of the Year. And he’s dating an Asian stripper from Vegas. He has no clue.
  • Dallas Stars forward/metrosexual Sean Avery was suspended from the NHL for saying other players like his “sloppy seconds.” In a league that prides itself on its tough bastard image and has fights in every game, getting suspended for saying “sloppy seconds” is probably the most pussy thing I can think of.
  • Celts are playin some seriously decent ball, and Rajon Rondo is fucking shit up left and right. The whole league is getting Rondo’d. On Wednesday, he fucked around and got a triple double.
  • Not sure if you’ve heard the story about 38 year-old Lois Feldman (blonde bitch on top) and 26 year-old Ross Walsh. They were at a Iowa/Minnesota  football game, and without having ever met each other, started fucking like beasts in a bathroom stall while Lois Feldman’s husband and Walsh’s girl were waiting in the stands. Really a great story.
  • Not sure if I’m going to able to take another year of Digger Phelps, Dick Vitale and the rest off the college hoops world bustin a nut whenever they see ugly bastard Tyler Hansbrough. UNC is ranked #1, and goofy bastard Hansbrough is as loathsome as ever. That fairy is afraid to go to the NBA cause he knows he ain’t gonna do shit.
  • Have you heard this story about a teacher (middle pic) in Louisiana who was boning her boyfriend’s 15 year-old son? Boning your potential stepson. Sounds kinda erotic, if I were a 15 year-old. If I was the father, needless to say, I’d be irate.
  • Pedroia signed a very decent deal with the Sox that should keep him here till 2015. The organization didn’t spend a whole lotta lettuce either. Fuckin Pedroia is the man — couldn’t imagine him playing anywhere else.
  • Dispicable horse-master Bob Baffert was in Boston this week to address a crowd on how much life sucks when your only friends are horses, how to sport a white mop-top, and still remain the ultimate douchebag.
  • Look for a serious run from the Pats to end the season. The Community likes the pick-ups of Rosie Colvin and Junior Seau. If the secondary could somehow beef up its play, I see no reason why the Pats can’t win the Super Bowl.

My Sheep Stole My Music

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Yesterday my pet sheep stole all my Bon Jovi records. I was going to murder him until we had the following exchange:

Me: Hey there Brother Sheep, it seems to me that you’ve been fuckin with my Joves records. I’m gonna fuckin kill you!

Sheep: Cool out, son. Sheep has a right to jam to some Bon Joves! Am I right or am I wrong?

Me: Brother Sheep, take any record and jam on, but don’t you dare steal my Joves! I should rip off your nuts, shove them in your mouth and take an axe to your head. Ya hear?

Sheep: Hear this my brother — I’m just a sheep and I’m a pretty relaxed dude. Not looking to fight, but I’m willing to scrap if you’re denying me my natural right to listen to Jon Bon Jovi.

Me: Sheepman! You little cocksucker! Stealing is not something that relaxed sheep take part in! All you had to do was ask if you could borrow a record. I probably would have let you. Instead, I’m now going to kill you.

Sheep: Whoa, whoa, whoa! My brutha, be cool! What if I told you that I was gauranteed a hummer from the most bangin sheep in town if I showed her that I had a nice collection of Joves records?

Me: Brother Sheep, that’s a whole different story! By all means! Why didn’t you say anything earlier?

Sheep: I was trying to tell you but you didn’t give me a chance! You turn into a freak if somebody fucks with your Joves!

Me: Oh Sheepman, I’m so angry at myself now. I can’t believe I said such rotten things to you! Can you ever forgive me?

Sheep: I’ll forgive you if this hot-ass sheep I’m working gives me head in the next day or two.

Me:  Word Sheepman. You’re a great guy!

Sheep: No, I’m not a great guy. Joves is great guy! (fist bump into a hug).