Sam Malone is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

Sam “Mayday” Malone — the epitome of a decent bastard! He was a former Sox pitcher with a nasty slider who owned one of the most renowned bars in history. Being a recovering alcoholic, he still ran Cheers successfully amidst a slew of hard slugging, all-time characters. But more so than anything else, Malone was a legitimate Don Juan — a borderline sex addict — who charmed any and all ladies in the vicinity despite their best efforts to keep his seductive persona at bay.

Make no mistake — Sam Malone was a man’s man, living the dream all dick-owners aspire to. His bar patrons lived vicariously through him and his unprecedented string of female conquests. A seasoned joke teller and a champion ball-buster, this local Boston guy could very well have written the Decent Community Handbook. A DC reader writes in:

“Sam Malone carried a bar, a television show, and most of the male population’s hopes and dreams on his back from 1982 to 1993. (Not to mention all the babes he carried on his johnson!) I was astonished he hadn’t been featured as your Decent Bastard of Week. However, I’m more than confident that after receiving this nomination, he’ll be spotlighted before the Community within minutes.”

I received the email above about 15 minutes ago, and after about five minutes of slamming my head into the wall, I got this post right up. Raise a glass to Sam Malone — a bastard who tagged prudes like Diane Chambers and Rebecca Howe, who pitched five years for the Boston Red Sox, and who was cooler than just about any dude you’ve ever known.

The Walk of Shame

The Community is known for making our wannabe sweethearts perform the walk of shame every morning. It’s partly because we party so much, partly because we get so much play, and partly because we’re just fans of making chicks do the walk of shame.

Think about it — is it not decent to see a foxy broad limping down the street with drool hanging out of her mouth, reeking of booze and cigarettes, makeup smeared all over her face, hair looking like she was just electrocuted, boogers coming out her nose, clothes in tatters, with one boob hanging out? Is that not decent?

When you’re french kissing at incredibly high rates, creatures like the one described above are the norm. We bulldoze down babes with our tongues and when the dust settles there’s only sloppiness in our wake. The walk of shame is the aftershock from Decnt Community’s earthquake of passion.

Thursday Ramblings

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A new hotspot has opened up in booming Downtown New Bedford. The Rose Alley Ale House, located next to CORK on Route 18, has many unique, different kinds of beers and some of the best Buffalo wings this side of the Mississippi. Anyone heading to the Whaling City should check it out … Speaking of SouthCoast, Mass., the area’s leading liquor store, Cardozas, is offering this cool promotion during March. Everyone redeeming cans or bottles gets an extra 2 cents! That’s right, every can is now worth 7 cents at the Doza, which is sweet for dudes like me who actually redeem cans instead of throwing your money away … Think Willie Nelson is cool? Check him out at “The Z” in New Bedford in April with special guest Billy Bob Thornton. …  Just when I thought Bill Belichick couldn’t get any better, he finds a trade partner willing to take $18 million worth of salary cap money and gets a second-round pick in return. Other NFL teams cut expensive veterans (Cassel, Vrabel), but Belichick gets early second-round picks for them. Decent! … Sad anniversary on this particular Thursday. It was this day 26 years ago that John Belushi died of a drug overdose in Los Angeles. Belushi is truly one of the greatest performers in entertainment history. Who doesn’t still laugh when Animal House comes on? … Happy 32nd birthday to Wally Szczerbiak, who played for the Celtics before being traded to Seattle in the Ray Allen deal. Wally World was the sixth pick in the 1999 NBA draft, the same year the Denver Nuggets drafted Fall River toughguy Chris Herren in the second round. Last I heard of Herren, who was on a regional cover of Sports Illustrated for its College Basketball Preview issue many years ago and at one point was the subject of a federal investigation into point-shaving at Fresno State, he was passed out in his car in a Rhode Island Dunkin Donuts drivethrough with Heroin needles all over the place … Chapter 3 of Decent Community’s They Don’t Make Movies Like They Used To: The Burbs, Trading Places and True Lies. … Max is the early leader, with Amy close behind, in the Decent Caption Contest for his entry: Cigs – check… Bracelets – check… Matching studded cowboy boots – check… Bullet belt – check… Favorite shovel… CHECK!!!!!!!!

DC Short Jam: How To Keep It Loose

Perhaps nothing is more valuable than one’s ability to keep things loose. As they say — an uptight bastard is an indecent bastard. Failure to keep things loose will prevent meaningful connections, lose you some laughs, and prove unhealthy in general. This is the main reason behind our unveiling of the fourth installment of the DC Short Jam Series.

This episode, titled How To Keep It Loose (Community Style), is meant to provide examples of ways in which The Community keeps things loose, doesn’t get too serious, and just enjoys our scene. Hopefully the short jam will loosen you up, while also helping you think of your own ways to stay as limber as possible.

Why McGreevy’s Sucks…

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Here is a short but to the point list of reasons McGreevy’s sucks:

Lousy bouncers.  As I was puffing down a stoag I overheard the bouncers mock a group of people as the were walking by because they were talking about going to Lir.  That’s just poor form.  Lir isn’t that cool and McGreevy’s isn’t much better.  Lousy attitude, guys!  Just because you’re a bouncer doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.

Give a brother a splash!  One of the bartenders poured me a Jack and Coke and went backseat on the Jack!  The drink was pure coke so I asked her to “top it off”.  She proceeded to top it off with coke to which I responded, “ummm, no, can you top it off with a little more Jack.”  She obliged, poured out some of the drink and poured a little more Jack in the glass.  Thank you very much!  To my surprise she charged me 18 bones (the price of 2 Jack and Cokes).  Again, poor form.  If you’re gonna charge for a double you charge the price of a shot, not the price of another drink.  Dumb ass.

Bathroom stalls.  I’m not a big dude but I could literally fit between the little walls they put up between the urinals. 

Established date.  If you’re a replica of an old school joint that doesn’t make you the oldest sports bar in America or whatever they claim to be.  The original McGreevy’s may have been established in 1894 but the re-established McGreevy’s opened a year or so ago… Your established date is 2008, not 1894.

This place illustrates how shallow the pool of bars in Boston is.  Good old Chuck Woolery wouldn’t be caught dead in that place and quite frankly, neither would we.

Game Shows are Decent

Game shows were wildly popular in the 60s, 70s and 80s. Truth is, the genre has relatively died out over the years. Sure, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Family Feud and Price is Right (Drew Carey sucks!) are still solid, but TV networks are reluctant to give away millions of dollars in cash and prizes to joe schmos for less-than-stellar ratings. Here are some classic game shows I hope make a return, in their original form.

Supermarket Sweep

This classic graced the Lifetime for years. Hosted by some guy I swear was gay, Supermarket Sweep had possibly the best final round in game show history: How much can you spend running through the isles of a grocery store? I never understood why contestants would 1) pass up the huge balloon bonus items, 2) not just raid the meat section for five of everything, 3) not make sure the man (who was always faster and more aggressive) was the one doing the final Sweep. (Honorable Mention to Shop ‘Til You Drop, which came on after Supermarket Sweep for many years).

Classic Concentration

Hosted by the man himself — Alex Trebeck — Classic Concentration was actually a remake of the first “Concentration.” Contestants match panels on the gameboard to remove then, then solve the word-picture puzzle beneath. The bonus round was all car names, and the lucky winner would leave with a decent 1988 Toyota. Pause the clip above and see if you can solve the puzzle.

Let’s Make a Deal

What a decent game show! It’s Halloween every day as the entire audience shows up in costume. Decent host Monty Hall wonders around, grabbing random lucky folks and offering them cold, hard cash for things such as paperclips and hair brushes. Lucky enough to make a big deal? Pick from as many as three curtains to win a fabulous 80s station wagon, but beware as a large donkey or large rocking chair waits behind one.

The ($10,000, $20,000, $25,000, $100,000) Pyramid

Hosted by the immortal Dick Clark, Pyramid had all the making of a great game show. One of the few game shows that didn’t have me saying “I would dominate this show if I was on it,” The Pyramid required a solid teammate and quick intellect. Also cool, Tackleberry from Police Academy was a frequent celebrity guest. (Editor’s note: Tackleberry (David Graf) died of a sudden heart attack nine days before his 51st birthday. His father and great grandfather also died of sudden heart attacks at 51. Weird.)

Remote Control

This must have been the funnest game show to be on. Colin Quinn, pop culture trivia, random stuff like raining peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the bar off to the side of the stage, and the Off-the-Air elimination that saw contestants sucked into the wall to the crowd singing “Hit the Road, Jack” made this something that screams for a return to television.

Thursday Ramblings

Artie

Funny how big baseball news always break right before Spring Training begins. While A-Roid (who came off as the biggest asshole on the planet during his interview with Peter Gammons) came clean, there are still over 100 names of tested-positive cheaters out there. Names I hope aren’t on the list, but names that wouldn’t shock me if they came out, include Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Pedro Martinez (yes, he’s thin as a noodle, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t take it to strengthen his noodle shoulder), Trot Nixon and (gulp) Ken Griffey Jr.… Speaking of Griffey, when I was a kid I thought my Upper Deck rookie card of his would be worth some serious coin someday. Looks like I can get about $14 for it on eBay …  Anyone traveling through SouthCoast should check out Five Guys, a new fast-food place on Faunce Corner Road in Dartmouth that serves up decently-awesome burgers and fries … People in California are irate over their tax money being used to pay health-care costs for the octuplets lady. Her response? Octopussy, who already tried selling her kids’ naming rights,  now has her own Web site, where she is encouraging people to send her cash … Well I’m sure many Phish fans were left wishing Ticketmaster was still handling the upcoming tour when LiveNation imploded on buy-tickets day. Well LiveNation has reached a deal to buy ticketmaster, and many people are skeptical over the result … Happy 34th birthday Scot Pollard, and a very happy 54th birthday to Arsenio Hall, who was awesome in Coming to America with Eddie Murphy. … I had trouble finding a good one myself, so if anyone has a decent picture of Emily the Elephant from Buttonwood Park Zoo, send it along for Decent Collage… Sirius and XM radio are going bankrupt. I wonder what’s going to happen to Howard Stern? I bet Sirius is really happy it gave Stern $100 million back in 2004 … With the recession, global financial meltdown, fiscal crisis and bank bailouts, $100 million has become a lot of money again. Every corporation, every organization, everyone or everything uber-rich will think long and hard about dropping $100 million on something (except the N.Y. Yankees) … Karl “The Mailman” Malone joined the NBA on TNT crew for some post-game analysis on Feb. 8. Malone attempts to demonstrate a pick-and-roll in some of the worst TV work I’ve ever seen. Enter Exhibit A of why every great player isn’t great on TV. … If Matt Cassel is still with the Patriots after the NFL Draft, Tom Brady is doing worse than we thought … Why doesn’t Boston have a major Beer Pong League? Hmmm, the Decent Community Beer Pong League; has a nice ring to it.