My Favorite Chicken Pictures

Santa Chicken

Ground Beef Head Chicken

Big Red

Yeti Chicken

Thomas Jefferson and George Washington Chickens

Little Jerry

You Must Be Trippin Chicken

Russian Fur Hat Chicken

Decent Site of the Week: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich

This week Decent Community thought we’d alert our readers about a new website dedicated to three of our favorite things: Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and sandwiches. So basic in its premise, Selleck Waterfall Sandwich simply presents images that combine Selleck, waterfalls, and sandwiches in all their glory.

Each picture contains a new sandwich, a new look at Selleck, and a new waterfall. I guess there’s only so many ways to describe this — but Selleck Waterfall Sandwich is definitely a decent idea. I’m actually a little embarassed we didn’t think of it first.

Tales From The Handicap Bathroom

restroom-signs-man-woman-handicap

dear decent community,

you ever use one of those ‘low flush’ toilets where there isn’t much water in the toilet?  well we’ve got one here at work in the crapper i use and i dropped a BOMB this morning, not solid, but not rhea, i wiped a bunch of times to get the remnants from my bung and got up to flush… there was a shitpile bigger than a softball sitting on the porcelain just above the water line with most of the TP falling to the side of it… i promptly gagged and flushed… the water grabbed the still dry paper and pulled that down, but didn’t get the shit, it just slid it down toward the hole, the dry paper clogged the toilet and left the shit pile sitting alone in the hole of the bowl with almost no water… this is the handicap bathroom in our office that a TON of people use because it is the only place you can go in and lock the door and have your own bathroom to yourself (a one seater if you will) and it is in a high foot traffic area (3 ppl turdburgled me while i was taking this dump) so i was face with either grabbing the plunger and basically pushing my shit down the hole, or trying to get out of there without anyone seeing me flee the scene.  I chose the plunger.  I got to the point where most of the shit was pressed down into the hole, but there was so little water in the bowl i couldn’t get good suction seal w/the plunger and was splashing poopy water all over the place.  I pulled the plunger out and flushed again… nothing… but water did fill the bowl so i got a better plunge – i flushed again and everything went down, BUT 2 things were absolutely wrong about the end result, #1 it looked like someone took a brown paintbrush to the toilet and #2 there was a piece of walnut on the side of the plunger and (to my knowledge) is still there sitting behind the toilet… i feel like i can still smell the poo stink on me.

regards,

jordache

How to Toss a Salad

   

Tossing a salad is a very delicate matter. You can’t be too rough with the tossing or the “salad” will bruise. Tossing salad is a delightful experience for both the “diner” and the “chef.” Here are directions on how to properly toss salad(s):

1.) Before washing and storing greens, remove and discard discolored or wilted outer greens. Translation: Peel away stray hairs, dingleberries, leftover poop morsels, and other debris that may compromise taste.

2.) Any water that clings to the greens will dilute the flavor and consistency of the “dressing” and will make the salad overly soggy. After washing the greens, place them on some paper towel and gently pat dry. Translation: Nobody likes to grizzle a sopping wet colon, so don’t be afraid to dry that shit with paper towels, ya hear?

3.) To avoid bruising the leaves or causing them to brown, tear, rather than cut, salad greens into bite-size pieces. Tearing greens also exposes more of the insides of the leaves so they absorb more “dressing.” Translation: Don’t be overly aggressive and “bite off more than you can chew.” Analingus can cause tearing if performed in an overly aggressive manner.

4.) Before tearing romaine, cut the fibrous rib from the larger leaves by placing each leaf on a cutting board and slicing along both sides of the rib with a small, sharp “knife.” Translation: Go down the middle of the butthole. Don’t nibble at the corners. There’s more fiber in the middle of the strike zone.

5.) Dress the salad just before serving to prevent wilted, soggy greens. Add enough dressing to lightly coat the greens, then toss with salad servers or two spoons. Gently push downward to the bottom of a deep bowl with the servers and lift upward so the greens at the top fall to the bottom. Translation: You can use jelly, syrup, or mustard to dress the salad. For best results, use a spoon to jab between the butt cheeks and press down gently.

*Note that tossing the salad can be done in many ways, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Tossing a salad can get messy, but don’t forget it’s an easy clean-up afterwards. Also remember that tossing a salad can be hard work, but tossing a quality salad is the most rewarding part of any “home cooked meal.”

Decent Community Reviews Bugles

The folks over at General Mills got it right when they decided to make Bugles. I tell ya, those guys are professionals over there (as evidenced by their making of this fine corn chip). Why can’t anybody else make a snack like this nowadays?

The aesthetics, the taste, and the multi-functionality. They look like a rounded pyramid. Or better yet — a wizard’s hat! I tell ya, those Bugle makers know what they’re doin. Perfect blend of salt and corn. Don’t even get me started on their shape and texture. You know their name comes from their shape? That’s genius I tell ya!

Bugles make decent sex toys because they fit in many holes, and they get wider the further they go in. You can stick them on tips of your fingers and pretend you’re Freddy Krueger too! Babies can use them as condoms and if you bite a little piece off the top, you can use them as a “tooter” to do blow. Personally, I just like to eat the suckers because they go great with bronsons!

The Mystique of Breakfast Sausages

The craving of the breakfast sausage is a stubborn, unavoidable aspect of the human condition. Like busting a load, pinching a loaf, or destroying a set of reps in the weight room — the act grizzling out on a “meaty” is an altogether tantalizing “must” for bastards who wish to command any niblet of respect and self worth.

Each night we go to sleep praying for a morning whiff of the uncured, unsmoked, highly seasoned signature of utopian fare. That moist, peppery refreshment that exists within every breakfast sausage bite is more sought-after than a red Corvette, more hair-raising than a wheelie, and more addictive than heroin laced with cigarette smoke.

It’s said that God himself was a breakfast sausage fiend, and that he designed heaven to be one humongous breakfast sausage. How do you reach this glorious place? The Bible tells us to eat as much breakfast sausage as humanly possible, but Decent Community doesn’t need the good book to extol on us breakfast sausage’s grandiosity. No, we’ll be scarfing meatys link by link, patty by patty — because a life sans breakfast sausage would make for a most brutal existence!

*Thanks to Community member “Smith” for passing along the above vid!

Decent Community Reviews Old Country Buffet

If you’re famished and looking to grizzle in epic proportions, the Old Country Buffet is your destination.

I rendezvoused with my parents and sister for some dinner yesterday and amid the scolding heat, my mother decided to forgo cooking duties for the evening. Reluctantly, the family gave in to my desire to hit up the OCB.

As we parked the car and headed toward the front door, my sister said something like “This is where white trash come to eat,” for which we were treated to a red-neck mother with two overweight children in a rusty, beat-up, early-90s minivan parking next to us. The son, about 10, was wearing denim shorts and a sleeveless teeshirt with a mohawk. His shorts just couldn’t hide his redneck plumber’s ass crack.

After visiting the nice cashier and dishing out a little over $50 for four adults, we headed for a table. I immediately set my sights on the buffet, grabbed a clean but slightly wet plate from the stacks and went to town. I was overwhelmed by the selection and variety the OCB offered. I decided my first course would be Italian and grabbed a few pieces of garlic bread, some spaghetti with sauce and a slice of pepperoni pizza. I topped it off with some Burbon chicken and a few pieces of fried chicken. The garlic bread and spaghetti were rather blah, but got the job done. The pizza had the slightest hint of cardboard in its taste. The Burbon chicken was quite tasty, which led me to the class of the OCB: the fried chicken. KFC has nothing on OCB. Tender and crispy, the fried chicken was to die for. Easily the best offering.

After housing the first course, I decided to kick things into high gear. I wandered over to the meat station for a piece of sirloin steak and hand-carved roast beef (with a little au jus sprinkled on top). I had to make a mandatory stop at the fried chicken area for three legs. I decided to go for some sides, grabbing a few potato wedges and a potato skin. After adding a piece of corn on the cob to my plate, I ventured back to my table to grizzle down.

The sirloin steak was stupendous and easily steak-house quality. The roast beef was very dry. Not even some au jus could save this dry piece of meat, which had probably been sitting out since lunch time. I took one bite of my potato skin before swearing to God i would never have it ever again. The potato wedges were cold and extremely below-average. The corn on the cod was very tasty, and of course, the fried chicken was delicious.

Feeling rather stuffed from grizzling, I decided to take it easy on my last trip to the buffet. I grabbed some mashed potatoes (also cold), a few more pieces of fried chicken (yummy!), some spicy rice (very average) and a breadstick (simple and tasty).

After three courses, and several trips to the all-you-can-drink soda fountain, I was ready for some dessert, and this is where the OCB really shines. Although that overweight 10-year-old with the mohawk took a bite out of a brownie and put it back with the rest, I was still impressed by the dessert selection. Cakes, cookies, puddings, you name it and OCB has it. I went for some chocolate fudge cake and added some soft-serve swirl ice cream on top with some colored jimmies (or sprinkles, whatever tickles your fancy). My mother opted for a cone of frozen yogurt, which she said was pretty decent.

I took three steps toward the door on our way out and had to turn around and head to the bathroom for a textbook “I just spent 45 minutes eating at OCB” shit. The bathroom stall was kinda grimey, and the thought that many dudes have taken messy, massive OCB shits where I was sitting made me queasy.

The employees were very friendly and versatile, as the meat-carving guy also seemed to be in charge of the baked chicken and meatloaf at different corners of the buffet. The cashier doubles as glass-washer girl. The girl who cleans tables also hands out free samples of cheesecake. While nice, helpful employees is very good for business, I kept having the feeling that this group of Old Country Buffet workers were outcasts from society. They were all very, very odd.

The Old Country Buffet is a decent place to grizzle hard on a variety of goodies, especially fried chicken and dessert. Some of the food looks and tastes like it’s been sitting out for hours and the whole place screams elderly people and rednecks. It’s perfect for eating contest, but I wouldn’t bring a date there.

For more information about OCB, visit www.oldcountrybuffet.com.

Reader Email: Calzones Ended My Relationship

100_0001

Dear Decent Community,

I made some calzones last night, which I thought turned out pretty good. But my girlfriend went berserk when she saw them. She said they weren’t cooked enough and refused to even take a bite. The attached (above) picture of calzones were left-overs that I put in the fridge overnight.

Long story short… these calzones led to a huge fight, and my girlfriend telling me that our relationship is over. Because of calzones! Is this fair treatment? Do these calzones not look like “the bomb”? Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated! Also, love the site. Keep up the good work!

-Jarrod

Hey Jarrod, those calzones look pretty lousy. No offense, bro — but a shitty calzone has been the downfall of many healthy relationships. While there was probably a lot of effort put into those ‘zones, it’s the end result that counts. View these calzones as a metaphor to your relationship — you may be working hard, but in the end you’ll never be able to please this woman.

What do our readers think? Do those calzones look like our boy Jarrod should get dumped? Let’s put it to a vote!

Summer Vacation Notice

Hello Community! I’d like to give notice to our readers that I, Tubesteak, will be taking a decent summer sabbatical over the next few weeks or so. This is not to say I won’t be writing about decency within The Community, but postings will definitely be less frequent. Indeed, summer is finally here.

Among the endeavors I’ll be pursuing in place of writing here:

This is not intended to be a full-fledged hiatus. Who knows — perhaps I’ll miss The Community too much and be back sooner than planned. But ideally I’ll fire up some fun shit once in a while for all your asses while Fugaze and Helmet Head keep this operation afloat. You can rest assured Community — this sabbatical will be strictly focused on practicing decency.

Decent Website of the Week: This Is Why You’re Fat

Snack Pizza Bomb -- Pizza topped with french fries, sliced corn dogs, popcorn chicken and Doritos.

We love this new website we found called This Is Why You’re Fat, whose tagline is “where dreams become heart attacks.” The above picture pretty much tells the story of this website, which features some of the most out-of-this-world, grotesque concoctions that surely taste amazing.

The website essentially takes something deep fried, adds it to something with a zillion calories, and then tops it off with something dripping with grease for good measure. This Is Why You’re Fat presents appealing dishes which are, ultimately, the reason you’re so goddamned fat. A guilty pleasure indeed!

Decent Website of the Week: Scanwiches.com

M&O Market: Roast Pork, Swiss, Lettuce, Avacado, Tomato, Russian Dressing, on a fresh roll

Two things The Community is fond of are sandwiches and porn. Slap these together and you have Scanwiches.com, an amazing, relatively new site that offers some scanned pics of tempting sandwiches in all their decency. The website exhibits a plethora of various flatbread sand-bones “for your education and delight.”

Scanwiches.com is based out of NYC, so if you’re not living there it’ll be difficult to score one of these babies. But if you’re itching to get a grizzle on, this site fluffs your taste buds like few places on the internet can. So please, if you get a spare minute or are looking to build up an appetite before lunch, check out this very decent website.

*To read an interview with the creator of Scanwiches.com, click here. Also, The Community is always looking for decent sandwich joints in Boston (there appears to be a shortage). If you have recommendations, we’d love to hear from you!

Community Develops Swine Flu Vaccine

Just in time to squash fears that everyone in the world is turning into decaying corpses, Decent Community has concocted an easy-to-prepare vaccine to combat the dreaded swine flu. You’ll likely find all of the serum’s ingredients in your household, and if not there, at your local supermarket. Once again, The Community has saved civilization from total annihilation!

Adhere to the following instructions to develop your own swine flu vaccine:

  1. Peel the meat off 4-5 cooked buffalo wings and grind it up in a food processor.
  2. In a bowl, mix the buffalo wing meat with the clippings of about 35 pubic hairs.
  3. Shoot a couple snot rockets into the bowl and stir.
  4. Grab a couple tuna casseroles and mash them up into the mixture.
  5. Bake mixture at 375 degrees for half an hour.
  6. Remove from freezer and drizzle a load of Community member semen on top.
  7. Serve with a positive attitude.

This should yield approximately 4 servings of swine flu vaccine. Yes! You no longer need to fret like a mofo — for the world will continue to exist! The World Health Organization can rest easy due to yet another breakthrough from Decent Community! Hip, hip, hooray!

Decent Community Reviews Chocolate Tooth

poopthoth

Chocolate tooth or poo poo tooth (also see:  cucka tooth, poop tooth, crap tooth, shit tooth, funk tooth, bum tooth) occurs when chocolate is smeared on the front of one’s tooth; usually as a result of eating something chocolate (obviously) and moist.  Moistness leads to certain adhesion to one’s tooth creating an illusion that one’s tooth is covered in poo poo.  The chocolate covered tooth is an embarrassing occurrence.  Ninety percent of the time, the chocolate will remain on your tooth for two hours and/or approximately 10/15 views before someone notifies you.  Leading causes of chocolate tooth include:  Moist brownies, chunks of chocolate at the bottom of your hot coco, silk chocolate pudding, slick chocolate covered strawberries and the new chocolate covered Altoids.  If you feel your lip catching your tooth when smiling and you have recently ate chocolate, chances are you are victim of chocolate tooth.  Head for refuge immediately to limit embarrassment.  There’s one decent thing about chocolate tooth and that’s realizing that you have a little bit of your sweet snack left!

Sloppy Joe Love Affair

Here at Decent Community, eating three or four sloppy joes usually means we’re having a bad day. Wolfing seven to eight sloppy guys is closer to our average, while 10 to 12 helpings of sloppiness makes for an altogether decent day. You see, we crave the slop more than infants crave titty milk. In fact, sloppy joes serve The Community in many of the same ways that tittys serve the greater population.

If possible, we’d like our mouths/tongues on sloppy joes every second of the day — an all out feast of slobber and general sloppiness. Saliva flying everywhere, meat stains all over our clothes, burying our faces with no plans of coming up for air! It’s total activation of our sloppy senses!

It’s time everyone realizes that we need sloppiness in our lives! We’ve been steadily moving away from our innate affinity for muddy, wet, mushy, soft goop — exactly what the sloppy joe embodies. We’d be foolish not to embrace this eroticism that raunch and slop excites — and we can start by stuffing some sloppy guys down our yearning throats!

Bored? Enter a Hairy Bush Contest

bush

Sick of feeling unappreciated?  Tired of constantly being ridiculed by your friends for “never winning the big one”? 

Well, fear not!  Decent Community is here to let you in on a little secret called hairy bush contests. 

But Decent Comm. guys don’t like a hairy bush?

That’s what you think miss!  Guys like to tip toe around this situation but when you get down to the nitty gritty there’s nothing more enticing than an overgrown bush.  Think that’s a joke?  If you’re not getting any play give it a shot.  We guarantee within days of significant growth guys will pick up on your added confidence and you’ll have your choice of us poor slobs.

What if I competed and lost to a woman with a hairier bush?

It’s better to have tried and failed then to never have tried at all.  Ladies, life is about taking risks.  What if Tiger never picked up a golf club?  What if Picasso followed in his father’s footsteps and became a carpenter?  If those who have had great success didn’t try something out of fear of failure society as we know it would be at a tragic loss.  What could have been if you entered that hairy bush competition?  You could become the Tiger Woods of hairy bush!

Asking yourself; can I really do this?

Of course you can (and if you’re smart you will)!  There’s no glass ceiling for bush growing.  Grow all you can as fast as you can!  Be the first to have a bush down to your ankles!  Don’t let anyone tell you it can’t be done!  Be the first!  Reach for the top!

We congratulate those who have found new meaning to life via hairy bush contests!  And for those of you who have yet to enter, in the words of Eric Clapton; Let it grow, let it grow…  Let it blossom, let it flow…  In the sun and in the snow…  Love is lovely, LET IT GROW!

Defining the F.U.P.A.

FUPA

Main Entry: F.U.P.A.
Pronunciation: \fü-pə\
Function: noun
Etymology: American, from obese hogs frequenting McD’s.

1 : Acronym for fat upper pussy area. Also may stand for fat upper pubic area or fat upper penile area. Area has become enlarged due the overindulgence of snacks and is usually accompanied by sour stench.

2 : Home of ants, hornets nests, and assorted members of the mite family where said parasites feast on bloated pelvic/intestinal area.

3 : Haven for sexual deviants who wish to have their noggins completely engulfed in blubber while they kick their legs violently.

4 : Overflow of lard often recycled into stress release balls.

5 : Object shunned by Decent Community for its overly beefy, fleshy surplus of undesirable excess.

Decent Community Reviews The Midnight Snack

midnightsnack

It’s late and you need a snack.  You walk to the kitchen — bone extended.  You’re half awake, you don’t really know what you’re doing, where you are or why.  A sandwich beckons to you from your dreams“Make me… Make me….”  You find yourself swaying in front of the fridge.  What’s happening to me!?  You snap out of it and have regained consciousness.  Now you are sitting at your kitchen table with everything you need to get the job done laid out in front of you — the mayo jar, the bread bag, the entire bag of turkey and cheese, a full head of lettuce, a full tomato and there’s a knife in your hand.  You’re just sitting there dossing off, both hands clenched resting on the table.  Suddenly you start moving like a puppet on a string, half asleep, you begin constructing your midnight snack.  Nearly falling of the chair with your drastic, whimsical movements from one ingredient to the other, things are coming together.  After completion you feast and return to bed and in a state of seemingly unknown euphoria you return to bed and immediately fall back asleep.  When you wake up the next morning it’s like the morning after nailing a million bronsons.  You can’t remember exactly what transpired but you know between the time you were conscious the day before and now something happened.

Decent Community Reviews Frosted Mini-Wheats

frosted_mini_wheats

A lightly sweetened, whole grain wheat cereal.  Net weight — 24 oz. (1 lb. 8 oz) (680g).  24 mini-wheat “biscuits” (1 serving size) have 200 calories (240 with milk).  Mini-wheats are also slang for a mini-wheat-shaped poop.  Or is the cereal named after the poop?  I can’t recall …  Kellogs is “committed to bringing out your best performance in Guitar Hero” as such they offer a mini Guitar Hero game inside the box.  Guitar Hero is a form of exercise — did you know that?  It is.  For example:  The duck walk (see Angus Young), the windmill (see Pete Townshend) and the scissor kick (see Jack Black).  All great ways to exercise.  Frosted minis become extremely moist when submerged in milk.  You should always find your window when eating mini wheats, like many other cereals, if you wait to long you will be dealing with sogginess, don’t wait long enough and the intention of the sponge like mini-wheat is lost.  Try mini-wheats for breakfast or a daytime snack.  See how many you can toss up in the air and catch in your mouth.  Just being around mini-wheats makes me happy.  How about you?

I am a Fart

the-fart

I am a fart and I’d like to give you a whiff of the truth. All your hating must cease at once. I’m just a regular old bodily function — same as blinking, hiccuping or sneezing. So I smell like rotten eggs. That’s just who I am. I’m a fact of life, and it’s time I was treated more matter-of-factly.

Yes, I reek. I’m vulgar. Unpopular. Not fun to be around. Scary. The works. But let me tell you something — I’m a genuinely familiar part of your life. Whether you’re a porn star with huge titties or a grandpa with a wrinkly old pecker — you all know me pretty well.

Embrace me or continue to be miserable — cause I’m gonna be around as long as gas, vibration, and butt holes exist. And I’ll happily engulf you every chance I get. So instead of making disgusted faces and scrambling out of my range, I suggest you swallow the fact that everyone farts. I stink, but I’m not Bin Laden. I am a fart. Thank you for hearing me out.

Cheez Balls

planters-cheezballs_hdlg

Ever since I was a little Helmet, when my balls were the size of them, Cheez Balls have been in my life.  My grandfather used to love Cheez Balls.  If you brought him a can of Planters Cheez Balls you were a god.  I feel like in some ways Cheez Balls reflected his personality — funny, slightly off the radar, distinguished.  Even the Planter Peanut with his cane reminds me of him.  Whenever I see that blue tin of Planters Cheez Balls I think of him sitting in his recliner, swatting at the cat with his cane and his trusty Cheez Balls by his side.  Even as an adult Helmet with full grown Cheez Balls of my own, I still enjoy snacking on cheese flavored corn puffs.  It’s harder nowadays to find the Planters Cheez Balls but I never hesitate to grab a bag of Utz as a substitution… What a delicious snack…