Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

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