Decent Site of the Week: I’m So Bad At Sex.com

This week’s decent site of the week offers some embarrassing stories from the boning scene. I’m So Bad At Sex features anonymous bastards who send in some wacky shit detailing hilarious sexual escapades. Of course, some tales are better than others — but after reading I’m So Bad At Sex, we all feel like we’re masters at doing the wild thing. Here’s a sample:

“I’m generally pretty bad at sex. However, my most recent experience has lead me to quit having sex all together. I was having sex with a girl who had at least 40 pounds on me. I somehow mounted her and was humping away. Then I received a whisper in my ear “Stop, please just stop”. I had been having sex with her belly fat, and had already came. I’m so bad at sex.”

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Decent Site of the Week: Accidental Dong

This week The Community has named Accidental Dong as our decent site of the week. Here’s the description from their website: “It’s happened a million times. You draw an innocent little sketch for a friend or family member, only to realize moments later, ‘Crap. I just drew a Godzilla-like penis in front of Grandma.’ Well my faux phallic friends, this blog is the home for all those wayward wangs out there.”

Accidental Dong has all sorts of pseudo dicks — some more noticeable than others. Seriously, how many times in your life have you thought, “Bro! Fuckin A! That looks just like a shlong!” This website offers a decent collection of such instances.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Animal Sex

 

So us humans think we’re the baddest and best at doing the deed. Who can blame us? Over time, our species has come up with thousands of different positions and ways to make sex better and better. Toys, costumes, dolls, lotions … even stuff that is too undecent to mention here on the Community has all been invented by humans for human sexual purposes.

As much as we like to think we rule at doing it, we actually don’t. Here are some reasons, courtesy of Cracked, why you may be jealous of some of the animal species who are taking boning to a whole new level.

Marathon sex sessions kill mice

The Brown Antichinus, a mouse species native to Australia, gets super horny during mating season. What do the males do? They bone the same female mouse for as long as 12 hours straight, then quickly move on to the next female for round two. This goes on for days until the little guy’s body simply can’t take it anymore. Every male Brown Antichinus eventually dies from the stress of over-boning after mating season.

Hippos have an unusual fetish

We know hippos are Hungry Hungry, but they are also horny horny. When a male hippo eyes up a decent-looking female, he walks into her line of sight then spins his best game. What game might that be? He takes a massive dump right in front of her then goes in for the kill: He uses his tail as a propeller, spinning around spraying all that female-hippo-attracting crap all over the place. Needless to say, the ladies can’t resist.

One just doesn’t get it done for Red-Sided Garter Snake

This reptile yearns for a nice, big snake after hibernation. When she sends out pheromones letting the guys know she’s wet and ready, about 100 reptiles will slither around her, hoping she chooses their snake. Only one is lucky enough to get to the promised land with this beauty but the others shouldn’t feel too left out: They start dry-humping each other in a massive snake orgy. Scientists also say that some of the dudes want their snakes taken care of so badly that they’ll release their own version of the feminine pheromone so the other dude snakes will go to town. Kinda gay.

The tricky Cichlid Fish

The males of this decent species have game, and they know how to use it. When females lay eggs, they usually take them in their mouths and transport them to safety a little ways away. The dudes developed small white lights by their dongs that are very similar to eggs. They swim under these traveling babes, who, seeing the lights, think they have dropped an egg and dive their mouths at the dong. That’s when the male blows its load in her mouth, impregnating the fish for another round of egg-laying.

Bedbugs make the best out of a crappy situation

Female bedbugs are born without any kind of vagina. Bummer for the dudes, who are super horny and love to bone all the time. If there’s no va-j-j, how do these guys get it on? Their wangs have sharp tips to them and they use it to poke a hole in the female’s abdomen, then they bone the crap out of them through the hole. That’s where all those tiny bugs pestering poor neighborhoods come from; a razor-sharp bug tubesteak.

Decent Site of the Week: Match that Muff

Good day Decent Community! Hope the holidays and New Year treated everyone decently! Today we wanted to share a decent link we’ve been made aware of — a quasi-pornish-fun-game site called Match that Muff. You may recall we featured  a similar site a while back called Guess Her Muff, in which you guessed what a chick’s muff looked like. It could have been anything. Well, Match that Muff offers choices, so you’re not working with a blank slate.

This game is more fun, because you can actually be right or wrong, and instead of having some ambiguous picture in your mind there’s a reassuring concreteness with Match that Muff. Which basically means you’re not keeping score yourself and can’t cheat. Hope you guys enjoy the site!

P.S. Is there a more fitting word in our sexual lexicon than “muff”? I don’t think so.

Thursday Ramblings

I’d like to immediately nominate the above image for best photograph ever! British photographer Roger Hooper was just 20 meters away from this charging beast when he snapped this awesome photo that is sure to win countless awards. According to The Sun, Roger got the idea for an animal trainer to dangle a piece of meat in front of him. The Tiger then charged but ran past Roger when the trainer took off with the piece of meat. It was taken at a wildlife reserve in Canada. … Even Tiger Woods is cheating on his wife? Is it me or does it seem more people, not just celebrities, are getting divorced than getting married? Do more relationships fail than those that work? What the hell is wrong with people? Does more funding need to be put into awareness programs about the ups and downs of long-term relationships? About how people should think long and hard about getting married before they do? Sorry to ramble on, I just get curious sometimes about what the hell is wrong with the world. … Three links for your reading enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Dumbass Italian police smash their $250,000 Lambroghini cruiser into a parked car outside a gas station; 2) A guy in Queens is cleaning out the basement of a building he just bought. What does he find? Twenty dead bodies? No, just an ancient bowling alley from a secret bar/club during the prohibition era; and 3) The tale of a woman with a rare sexual disorder: She can’t stop double-clicking her mouse while she’s sleeping. …  Speaking of what the hell is wrong with people these days, I caught an episode of the MTV show For The Love of Ray J and can’t get over what is going on. All the girls gang up on this other one who’s skinnier than the others. She gets sick of it so she ignores them and does her own thing on the other side of the house. They then all follow her to where she wants to be alone, make fun of her and then one girl throws her drink all over her. Then when the skinny chick throws a drink back at her, she gets all sorts of pissed off and starts yelling and screaming. “I’ll floss my teeth with your skinny ass,” this chick says after getting the drink poured on her. “I’ll floss my teeth with your skinny ass?” Terrible. … I promise you the next time the Patriots play the Saints the outcome withh be different. I still think the Pats are tops in the AFC. I also think the Saints played the best football game a team has ever played. They were as close to perfect as a team can get. The Pats won’t be caught sleeping the next time they meet in Miami. … Happy 22nd birthday to gymnastics hottie Alicia Sacramone, who Decent Community member Yim says has “big meat.” Sacramone won a silver medal at the Bejing games last year and spent a year at Brown University in Providence, R.I., before leaving school. She is now banging Notre Dame alum and Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn. … Happy 29th birthday to Anna Chlumsky. Who? The girl who played Vada Sultenfuss in the heart-warming “My Girl” movie in 1991. Did you know that talk of a “My Girl 3” has recently slowed after Dan Aykroyd was hot on its trail for a few years? … Happy 46th birthday to Joe Lally. Who? The former bassist of the punk rock band Fugazi. There is no official word, but Rolling Stone reported that the band got inspiration for its name from Decent Community.

Tubesteak No Loner Has ‘World’s Biggest Penis’

Tubesteak’s foot-long, well, tubesteak, has been knocked off its perch as the world’s biggest by a 40-year-old from Brooklyn, N.Y., whose unit is almost as big as Tubesteak’s — when it acts like a scared baby turtle.

Jonah Falcon recently reclaimed his title as “World’s Biggest Penis” by having a medical doctor measure him in at 13.5 inches. Falcon previously held the title for several years before Tubesteak busted on the scene with the start of Decent Community.

Tubesteak's new No. 1 nemesis: Jonah Falcon

Upon further investigation, Falcon doesn’t live the typical life of someone who has the world’s biggest wang. He has made several appearances on the Howard Stern Show and cameos on a few TV shows but hasn’t been able to break into big-time showbiz.

“When I meet people, they find it hard to look me in the eye,” said Falcon, whose dong measures in at 9.5 inches when he hops out of a cold pool. “They just see what’s in my trousers. It’s become a real problem.”

The 5-foot-9 Falcon also struggles to find love.

“My last relationship ended in 1996. Now I just want to find a steady girlfriend who doesn’t think I’m a freakshow,” Falcon said in a newspaper interview recently.”

Tubesteak and Falcon have a lot of work to do if either wants to claim the title of “Earth’s Biggest Penis.” That belongs to the mighty Blue Whale, which swims through the open ocean with a 12-foot firehose.

While Tubesteak can no longer wear the crown as “most endowed dude,” he should still consider himself fortunate because he’s in a better position than both Jack Morley and Steve Wasylchyk. Morley is known to have the smallest adult working schlong in the world, clocking in at three inches when at top capacity. Wasylchyk, however, is facing some pretty tough times. He is known to have the smallest willy in America at 5 millimeters (think Tic-Tac). Due to lack of female contact and severe erosion from years of off-the-charts whacking off, his little pecker can no longer get hard and mighty.

For you Massachusetts dudes, be happy your not as bad off as Bryan Welch from Michael’s Moving Co. in Boston. He was identified in both Playboy (June 2007) and Men’s Health (September 2008) as having the state’s smallest johnson. Neither publication was able to print just how tiny it is for fear of a lawsuit, but Playboy called it “thinner and about half as long as those golf course pencils.” Like Wasylchyk, Maxim said his is also eroded beyond use by years of excessive dolphin flogging.

How to Toss a Salad

   

Tossing a salad is a very delicate matter. You can’t be too rough with the tossing or the “salad” will bruise. Tossing salad is a delightful experience for both the “diner” and the “chef.” Here are directions on how to properly toss salad(s):

1.) Before washing and storing greens, remove and discard discolored or wilted outer greens. Translation: Peel away stray hairs, dingleberries, leftover poop morsels, and other debris that may compromise taste.

2.) Any water that clings to the greens will dilute the flavor and consistency of the “dressing” and will make the salad overly soggy. After washing the greens, place them on some paper towel and gently pat dry. Translation: Nobody likes to grizzle a sopping wet colon, so don’t be afraid to dry that shit with paper towels, ya hear?

3.) To avoid bruising the leaves or causing them to brown, tear, rather than cut, salad greens into bite-size pieces. Tearing greens also exposes more of the insides of the leaves so they absorb more “dressing.” Translation: Don’t be overly aggressive and “bite off more than you can chew.” Analingus can cause tearing if performed in an overly aggressive manner.

4.) Before tearing romaine, cut the fibrous rib from the larger leaves by placing each leaf on a cutting board and slicing along both sides of the rib with a small, sharp “knife.” Translation: Go down the middle of the butthole. Don’t nibble at the corners. There’s more fiber in the middle of the strike zone.

5.) Dress the salad just before serving to prevent wilted, soggy greens. Add enough dressing to lightly coat the greens, then toss with salad servers or two spoons. Gently push downward to the bottom of a deep bowl with the servers and lift upward so the greens at the top fall to the bottom. Translation: You can use jelly, syrup, or mustard to dress the salad. For best results, use a spoon to jab between the butt cheeks and press down gently.

*Note that tossing the salad can be done in many ways, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Tossing a salad can get messy, but don’t forget it’s an easy clean-up afterwards. Also remember that tossing a salad can be hard work, but tossing a quality salad is the most rewarding part of any “home cooked meal.”