The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

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Meet Helmet Head’s New Lover

Out of nowhere, Helmet Head has broken things off with his girlfriend so he could start dating the stallion featured in the video above. (There’s a much better depiction in the video on the right of this page.) All of us here at The Community are stunned — but Helmet Head is adamant that he’s “meant to be with a beautiful stallion” and claims “nothing else in the world matters anymore.”

Granted, we all knew Helmet Head was “a little bit off” — but this may be pushing things over the line. Just thinking of Helmet Head and that stallion hooking up makes me shudder! It’s our sincere hope that exposing this recent development to our readers will somehow deter him from taking this relationship any further. If you could offer words of encouragement in the comments section, it would be greatly appreciated! Think about what you’re doing Helmet Head!

Sloppy Joe Love Affair

Here at Decent Community, eating three or four sloppy joes usually means we’re having a bad day. Wolfing seven to eight sloppy guys is closer to our average, while 10 to 12 helpings of sloppiness makes for an altogether decent day. You see, we crave the slop more than infants crave titty milk. In fact, sloppy joes serve The Community in many of the same ways that tittys serve the greater population.

If possible, we’d like our mouths/tongues on sloppy joes every second of the day — an all out feast of slobber and general sloppiness. Saliva flying everywhere, meat stains all over our clothes, burying our faces with no plans of coming up for air! It’s total activation of our sloppy senses!

It’s time everyone realizes that we need sloppiness in our lives! We’ve been steadily moving away from our innate affinity for muddy, wet, mushy, soft goop — exactly what the sloppy joe embodies. We’d be foolish not to embrace this eroticism that raunch and slop excites — and we can start by stuffing some sloppy guys down our yearning throats!

Drunk Dialing

You’ve been there before — home after a night of getting bronsoned out, horny as a three balled tomcat, but nobody to turn to for a piece of ass. Unwilling to compromise, you refuse to masturbate — and your unsound judgement leads to the nearest portal of human contact — the telephone.

You search through the names of past romances — lost loves and one time hookups — oblivious to your appearance as a desperate loser. You leave a creepy message as evidence of your pathetic state and go down in flames. The next day your pitiful existence comes into more focus. Your phone call has morphed you into a failure in the eyes of your drunk dial target. You’ve damaged your rep, crippled your self esteem, and forfeited your dignity. 

When it comes to drunk dialing, the risk/reward is not in your favor. Better to remain a loner with a boner than a stewed dude misconstrued. It’s never worth it… unless… somehow… you score as a result of the call!