Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

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Sex Tip of the Week – The Next Level

Dear DC,
So I’m making out with a dank piece of ass, trying to let it be known that I want to take things to the next level — like intercourse or something along those lines. I don’t want to come off as overly aggressive and don’t want to make the dank piece of ass uncomfortable. What to do?
Sincerely,
In Pursuit of the Next Level

Great question, IPOTNL! You should start by breathing really heavy. Let it be known that you’re getting the first inklings of turning up the heat by huffing and puffing  — almost panting. Remember to maintain your intensity without appearing to have an asthma attack.

If that’s not arousing your playmate, start to moan and groan, eventually bringing things to a growl. Say things like, “Grrrrrrr!” and “Arf, Arf!” This will almost certainly ignite your makeout chum’s inner canine.

But if for some strange reason that doesn’t lead to tapping that ass, your last hope is to start making weird sex faces. The dank piece of ass should be able to figure out what you’re getting at. If not, you may be able to settle for digital sex — depending how weird your sex face was.

Remember, you’ll never reach the next level unless you make it known that you mean business. It doesn’t matter if it’s a dank piece of ass or someone you met at the dump earlier that morning. These heat of the moment situations require decisive decision making and clear signals of your intentions. Best of luck in reaching the next level!