How to Toss a Salad

   

Tossing a salad is a very delicate matter. You can’t be too rough with the tossing or the “salad” will bruise. Tossing salad is a delightful experience for both the “diner” and the “chef.” Here are directions on how to properly toss salad(s):

1.) Before washing and storing greens, remove and discard discolored or wilted outer greens. Translation: Peel away stray hairs, dingleberries, leftover poop morsels, and other debris that may compromise taste.

2.) Any water that clings to the greens will dilute the flavor and consistency of the “dressing” and will make the salad overly soggy. After washing the greens, place them on some paper towel and gently pat dry. Translation: Nobody likes to grizzle a sopping wet colon, so don’t be afraid to dry that shit with paper towels, ya hear?

3.) To avoid bruising the leaves or causing them to brown, tear, rather than cut, salad greens into bite-size pieces. Tearing greens also exposes more of the insides of the leaves so they absorb more “dressing.” Translation: Don’t be overly aggressive and “bite off more than you can chew.” Analingus can cause tearing if performed in an overly aggressive manner.

4.) Before tearing romaine, cut the fibrous rib from the larger leaves by placing each leaf on a cutting board and slicing along both sides of the rib with a small, sharp “knife.” Translation: Go down the middle of the butthole. Don’t nibble at the corners. There’s more fiber in the middle of the strike zone.

5.) Dress the salad just before serving to prevent wilted, soggy greens. Add enough dressing to lightly coat the greens, then toss with salad servers or two spoons. Gently push downward to the bottom of a deep bowl with the servers and lift upward so the greens at the top fall to the bottom. Translation: You can use jelly, syrup, or mustard to dress the salad. For best results, use a spoon to jab between the butt cheeks and press down gently.

*Note that tossing the salad can be done in many ways, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Tossing a salad can get messy, but don’t forget it’s an easy clean-up afterwards. Also remember that tossing a salad can be hard work, but tossing a quality salad is the most rewarding part of any “home cooked meal.”

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The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

In Praise of the Eephus Pitch

Aside from having the best name of any pitch in the hurling catalogue, the eephus is an assertion of exotic character and thought process. It’s a demonstrative stance of fearlessness and a statement of a uniquely inventive nature. More to the point — the eephus is a seriously bad-ass pitch — and a most genuine expression of decency.

The eephus, of course, carries a great deal of risk when thrown. Leaving the pitcher exposed like nothing else in the repertoire, one must possess extreme confidence to let an eephus fly. In the cat and mouse confrontation between every pitcher and batter, the eephus is the boldest mouse-like maneuver — a courageous “fuck you, check out my balls” declaration.

The fact that nobody throws the pitch speaks to its uniqueness. Whether it’s a lack of creative intuition or failure to acknowledge alternative styles, the non-eephus thrower is a dull conformist who will always lack a fully developed cache of substance. The eephus thrower, on the other hand, will draw marvel and respect for satisfying an intense desire to explore and put the interesting into action.

Random Acts of Kindness

How does it feel when someone, seemingly out of left field, goes out of their way to perform a kind deed? If you’re a halfway-decent chum, it probably ignites your inner glow, gets your blood flowing six ways to Sunday, puts a delightful grin on your mug, and stirs up a totally tender frame of mind. Sounds chill as hell, right? That’s why The Community needs to perpetuate this scene with enthusiasm!

Buy your buddy a brew-dog. Help a stranger land some strange. Read your fine neighbor a poem. Hand out beef jerky at intersections. Just pull decent shit out of your ass and put the random act into motion.

Give some ribs and biscuits to your mailman. Sneak some ciggies to the local punk kid. Rub oil all over your aerobics instructor. Fistbump random passersby. Hand out jimmy hats at parties. It’s called being a fuckin bad-ass samaritan — the dirtbag-ass hole antithesis. And the above deeds compose of less than .000001% of potential random acts you can perform — which means it’s time to go town.

In the end, admittedly, you can only control your own approach — but if The Community knows one thing, it’s that kindness is more contagious than dingleberries. By executing random acts of decency, you’re fascilitating a productive, fulfilling future for you and innumerable impending accomplices.

Popular Hermit Crab Charged with Cutting off Man’s Member

Derek the Hermit Crab claims to have "lost his temper after being pissed on one too many times."

FARRINGTON, MD — A popular hermit crab from the waters off Farrington has been charged with cutting off the penis of a 47-year-old man out for a morning swim on Sunday. Derek the Hermit Crab claims to have lost his temper after yet another episode of the same man urinating on his dwelling.

Witnesses at the beach say they saw Derek “grabbing onto the swimmer’s pecker and not letting go till the pecker came off.” Derek, however, feels his attack was justified.

“First of all, that guy’s dick is the smallest thing I have ever seen,” said the popular hermit crab amidst cheers from supporters. “It’s a disgrace. I think I was doing the guy a favor. I mean, I’m a hermit crab and I had no problem chopping that sucker off.”

Police did not identify the victim, who had managed to get his johnson on ice after the incident. Surgeons were unable to reattach it because of the extent of the damage. The victim said he plans to sue the Town of Farrington, the US Coast Guard, Derek the Hermit Crab, and everyone who was cheering Derek on during the incident.

“Ya know, it’s a shame the guy had to lose his piece,” Farrington Police Chief Cliff Meyers said in a prepared statement. “Derek is innocent until proven guilty and he’ll receive due process. It’s basically a property dispute and they’ll settle it in court.”

Derek the Hermit Crab’s lawyer plans to fight this case “as long as it goes” and claimed he wouldn’t be surprised if it eventually reached the Supreme Court.

“This case will serve as precedent in disputes where a popular hermit crab cuts off someone’s member and what happens when your home is continuously pissed on.”