Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

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Fabio Is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

As the saying goes: “Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of beauty are sought after, men of power are feared; but only Fabio is all of these things.” Make no mistake — Fabio is the most beautifully sculpted hunk of meat that civilization has ever known, and it’s with unabashed pride that we crown him as Decent Community’s Decent Bastard of the Week.

What is success? Success is Fabio. The hair, the pectorals, the unrelenting glare, the sponsorship from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, even the rumored homosexual fling with David Hasselhoff — Fabio is a God walking this magical earth, a ravishing Adonis to be stared at, and stared at, and stared at some more.

Here’s a paraphrased nomination email, which The Community received from over one million hot chicks:

“I wanna lick Fabio. I’d gladly live homeless if Fabio would slay me just once. I’d give up my two children if Fabio would write me a letter. I’m in heat and I want Fabio. Every time I go to the supermarket, I fantasize of Fabio kissing me passionately on top of the packaged meat section. Fabio has such a deep voice.”

That’s just a sampling of the emails we received. But hey, Fabio is a stunner! A human turn-on who lives by the laws of passion and romance, Decent Bastard Fabio is horseback riding on the beach even when he’s not. He’s doing a perfect swan dive off a 15-foot secluded waterfall. Perhaps he’s even taking a knee, wearing tattered shreds, sword by his side, gazing off into the distance, thinking about how decent he is. Well Fabio, we couldn’t agree with you more!!