Decent Site of the Week: I’m So Bad At Sex.com

This week’s decent site of the week offers some embarrassing stories from the boning scene. I’m So Bad At Sex features anonymous bastards who send in some wacky shit detailing hilarious sexual escapades. Of course, some tales are better than others — but after reading I’m So Bad At Sex, we all feel like we’re masters at doing the wild thing. Here’s a sample:

“I’m generally pretty bad at sex. However, my most recent experience has lead me to quit having sex all together. I was having sex with a girl who had at least 40 pounds on me. I somehow mounted her and was humping away. Then I received a whisper in my ear “Stop, please just stop”. I had been having sex with her belly fat, and had already came. I’m so bad at sex.”

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Meet Helmet Head’s New Lover

Out of nowhere, Helmet Head has broken things off with his girlfriend so he could start dating the stallion featured in the video above. (There’s a much better depiction in the video on the right of this page.) All of us here at The Community are stunned — but Helmet Head is adamant that he’s “meant to be with a beautiful stallion” and claims “nothing else in the world matters anymore.”

Granted, we all knew Helmet Head was “a little bit off” — but this may be pushing things over the line. Just thinking of Helmet Head and that stallion hooking up makes me shudder! It’s our sincere hope that exposing this recent development to our readers will somehow deter him from taking this relationship any further. If you could offer words of encouragement in the comments section, it would be greatly appreciated! Think about what you’re doing Helmet Head!

Andy Bernard is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

With the return of The Office for the fall season, The Community felt it pertinent to honor one of our favorite characters, Andy “The Nard Dog” Bernard as our Decent Bastard of the Week. Played by the venerable Ed Helms, The Nard Dog is a walking hilarity. Always well-intentioned, a tad pompous, and possessing an arsenal of biographical buffoonery, Andy Bernard is and out-and-out scene stealer — a solid gold decent bastard!

Why do we love him? Because we admire his style. Namely, his love for partying, his back-rubbing skills, his fondness for tossing the disc, his ability to dish out decent nicknames, his affinity for pig latin, his passion for music (both singing and jamming on the banjo), his fancy for inner-tubing, and his unbelievable fashion sense. Nard Dog says things like this:

“I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses – hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.”

Sounds decent, huh? Well, Andy Bernard also has nice rides — a Nissan Xterra (“rugged yet luxurious”) and a Toyota Prius. He once shot an 80-lb shark off Montauk with a rifle, and even worked for Abercrombie and Fitch as a travelling salesman. We can’t mention The Nard Dog without noting his Ivy League pedigree (Cornell, obviously), and his well-heeled WASPY lineage, which “goes all the way back to Moses”.

Of course, no man is without faults — and The Nard Dog is no exception. He does have anger management problems and poor taste in ladies (Angela). Andy could get laid a little more too. But these are essentially humanizing aspects of his makeup. Because if he didn’t have anger issues and got laid non-stop, The Nard Dog’s character would be unbelievable in his greatness. Instead, he’s straight decent — a remarkable bastard from a 360 degree vantage.

Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

Decent Vid of the Week: While I Was Away

Decent Community wanted to share this chill ass video made by a dude who went on vacation to Europe and told his girl he was going. For some reason the girl didn’t realize it, proceeded to go absolutely berserk when she couldn’t get in touch with him, and hilarity/embarassment ensues.

Featuring actual emails, lust, hate, betrayal, and scorn (and a dece soundtrack) — this video is a must-watch for those who know that ladies can get a little crazy now and then, and understand how breakups can manifest themselves in unforeseen ways.

Interview with Chuck Woolery

NOTE: Over the past few weeks, Decent Community has put out feelers to interesting/cool/decent people for an ongoing interview series that we’ll feature on the website. Chuck Woolery agreed to be our first interview.

Best known for his legendary run on Love Connection, beloved game show host Chuck Woolery is now the spokesperson for LoveTactics.com, a best-selling book and online guide that helps men win over the one they want. Chuck, a devout Christian, took some time away from the pool to talk to us about the gameshows, fruit, music and his website. And if you want to check out more of Chuck Woolery’s new online service, check out LoveTactics.com.

DC: Woolery, our website is a big fan of your breed – people who embody decency.

CW: Thank you very much. I’ve always strived to be a decent human being in all aspects of my life.

DC: Do you think your surplus of decency factored into your extraordinary run of success as a television game show host?

CW: I certainly think that was part of it. There’s no doubt I have alluring qualities. I suppose being decent could be thrown in there as well.

DC: Do you think you’re better than Trebek?

CW: We’re two different animals. He’s more brains, and I’m…well…look at me. I’m more beauty. Someone like Sajak is more Woolery-esque – but I still blow that fraud out the water. (sigh) (laugh)

DC: Definitely agreed. So, we heard you’re a big music buff. What are you listening to right now?

CW: At this moment, I’ve got some Steve Miller Band playing on my outdoor speakers. I think it’s the album that came out right before The Joker – ya know, before Miller sold his soul.

DC: We didn’t know that was your scene. Wow. That’s cool.

CW: Thanks. Just trying to be decent. (laugh) (sigh)

DC: Why do you think gay men are called “fruity” or associated with “fruit”?

CW: That’s a misconception. Everyone loves fruit and everyone should eat fruit. I think some guy probably thought it sounded good, thought it fit, and a bunch of people just ran with it. I mean, I like fruit. Do you?

DC: Yeah. Fruit is great.

CW: See what I mean?

DC: I do, definitely. You’re pretty good Woolery. I always knew you were good, but not this good.

CW: Well, I’ve had three wives, so a lot of people think I’m pretty good.

DC. No idea you’ve had three wives. With that, and your experience on Love Connection, you probably have some valuable insights.

CW: I do, and that’s one of the reasons I started LoveTactics.com. I’m well versed in the ways of the woman and I really want to share my knowledge with people who don’t have as much experience as I do. (laugh) (sigh)

DC: We’ll be sure to check out your website. Thanks so much for your time Mr. Woolery. You’re a very decent guy, and we’re thankful you agreed to this interview.

CW: It was my pleasure. Have a great day.

Decent Site of the Week: Free Oral Sex

The Community cannot stop laughing after checking out LouisvilleFreeFace.com — a site in which George Kistner (pictured above), offers free oral sex to the women of Louisville. Typical passage from his site:

“No matter how good I may have been told that I am at my hobby, I know that everyone needs to constantly practice at anything they take pride in doing. I need some partners to practice with and women who will give honest feedback to any services I perform for them, so that I will be able to hone my skills.”

You have to check out the whole website, however, to appreciate this man’s passion for munching box. There’s more about treating women as goddesses, using Pop Rocks, Altoids, or Alka-Seltzer during cunnilingus, how his nickname is “Vampire Lord,” and how he loves to lick kittens. A must-read website. All the respect in the world to this wild bastard!

NOTE: There’s no nudity or nasty stuff on this site, so don’t be afraid!