The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.


A Decent Fall Outfit


Undoubtedly Urban Outfitters give me a boner and the outfits they supply are straight up horn-inducing.  Unlike Tube, however, I don’t have such a singular allegiance to one (albeit very high quality) establishment.

I’ve scoured the net, gone through all my fall catalogs and have walked up and down the trendiest streets in the trendiest cities and have finally found my perfect Fall outfit!

I call it, Fall is in The Air.  An outfit by Helmet Head.

Fall is in the Air.  An Outfit by Helmet Head.

Shoes —  Birkenstocks.  It doesn’t matter if you’re heading out for a picnic with a group of good buddies, into the office for an important meeting or heading back to prep school for the Fall semester a good mandal keeps your feet comfortable all day long.


Socks — Wool Socks.  Three words:  Durability, durability, durability.  Nothing says I don’t give a fuck! like a thick pair of wool socks.


Underwear — Smiley Face Joe Boxer.  The fit is comfortable, without being constrictive.  Exclusivley sold at Kmart and Sears… Need I say more.


Belt — White Guns N Roses Belt.  Take me down to Paradise City, indeed!


Pants — Skinny Jeans.  I know, I know, old news Helmet skinny jeans have been in for months.  Well fuck you!  I like them and that’s that.  Plus they look slammin with my choice of shirt.


Shirt — LL Bean’s Mock-Turtleneck.  A shirt needs to scream fuck me without screaming fuck you, and that’s why I’ve gone with a simple fall classic.  Burley, Black Spruce, Timber or Navy women can’t resist The Mock.


Hat — Zephyr Boston Bruins Rink Fleece Helmet.  Be stylish, warm and show your allegiance to your favorite winter sport team and promote safety with this ultra-cool fleece helmet.

Bruins Hat

This advice is DECENT COMMUNITY GUARANTEED.  You have our word.  These items are guaranteed to give 100% satisfaction in every way.