Boston’s Massive Gauze Shortage

The City of Boston is experiencing a massive shortage of medical gauze. Go to any pharmacy or medical supply outlet searching for this loose fabric and you’ll likely be turned away. It’s said that a certain resident has bought up all the gauze because he’s been on a 10 year intercourse bender and needs to patch up his pecker — which is now a perpetual wound.

This grotesque story isn’t something The Community would normally report on, but it just so happens that the suspected gauze hoarder is a member of Decent Community! That’s right — the bastard scooping up all this gauze to absorb semen, puss, blood, and other slimey gunk is one of our own!

And we salute this bastard because he gets more play than a $1.25 hooker — even if his junk is wrapped up like a mummy! Who else uses gauze anyway? Even if our boy’s shlong is worn down to a single vein, we encourage him to keep on pumping, accumulating victory after victory — because the dream (and the global supply of gauze) shall never die.

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Fabio Is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

As the saying goes: “Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of beauty are sought after, men of power are feared; but only Fabio is all of these things.” Make no mistake — Fabio is the most beautifully sculpted hunk of meat that civilization has ever known, and it’s with unabashed pride that we crown him as Decent Community’s Decent Bastard of the Week.

What is success? Success is Fabio. The hair, the pectorals, the unrelenting glare, the sponsorship from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, even the rumored homosexual fling with David Hasselhoff — Fabio is a God walking this magical earth, a ravishing Adonis to be stared at, and stared at, and stared at some more.

Here’s a paraphrased nomination email, which The Community received from over one million hot chicks:

“I wanna lick Fabio. I’d gladly live homeless if Fabio would slay me just once. I’d give up my two children if Fabio would write me a letter. I’m in heat and I want Fabio. Every time I go to the supermarket, I fantasize of Fabio kissing me passionately on top of the packaged meat section. Fabio has such a deep voice.”

That’s just a sampling of the emails we received. But hey, Fabio is a stunner! A human turn-on who lives by the laws of passion and romance, Decent Bastard Fabio is horseback riding on the beach even when he’s not. He’s doing a perfect swan dive off a 15-foot secluded waterfall. Perhaps he’s even taking a knee, wearing tattered shreds, sword by his side, gazing off into the distance, thinking about how decent he is. Well Fabio, we couldn’t agree with you more!!

Sloppy Joe Love Affair

Here at Decent Community, eating three or four sloppy joes usually means we’re having a bad day. Wolfing seven to eight sloppy guys is closer to our average, while 10 to 12 helpings of sloppiness makes for an altogether decent day. You see, we crave the slop more than infants crave titty milk. In fact, sloppy joes serve The Community in many of the same ways that tittys serve the greater population.

If possible, we’d like our mouths/tongues on sloppy joes every second of the day — an all out feast of slobber and general sloppiness. Saliva flying everywhere, meat stains all over our clothes, burying our faces with no plans of coming up for air! It’s total activation of our sloppy senses!

It’s time everyone realizes that we need sloppiness in our lives! We’ve been steadily moving away from our innate affinity for muddy, wet, mushy, soft goop — exactly what the sloppy joe embodies. We’d be foolish not to embrace this eroticism that raunch and slop excites — and we can start by stuffing some sloppy guys down our yearning throats!

Defining the F.U.P.A.

FUPA

Main Entry: F.U.P.A.
Pronunciation: \fü-pə\
Function: noun
Etymology: American, from obese hogs frequenting McD’s.

1 : Acronym for fat upper pussy area. Also may stand for fat upper pubic area or fat upper penile area. Area has become enlarged due the overindulgence of snacks and is usually accompanied by sour stench.

2 : Home of ants, hornets nests, and assorted members of the mite family where said parasites feast on bloated pelvic/intestinal area.

3 : Haven for sexual deviants who wish to have their noggins completely engulfed in blubber while they kick their legs violently.

4 : Overflow of lard often recycled into stress release balls.

5 : Object shunned by Decent Community for its overly beefy, fleshy surplus of undesirable excess.

Deflowering a Florist

florist

One of the purest, back-to-nature endeavors The Community advocates is humping beautiful virgin florists raw dog — preferably in their fragrant workshops of eroticism (aka the local flower shop). Indeed, the unblemished cooter is to humanity what a flower is to nature — life-giving, elegant and fragile.

Penetrating a florist’s pristine orchid raw dog is a conquest of unadultered decency because the florist’s cooch, and the flowers she looks after, serve as a life force — an opening to an unspoiled universe. So fresh, so clean, the twat and the flower.

So next time you get a break from your video games, drive over to your local flower joint, ask for the virgin who works there (every store has one), and seduce her with some old Decent Community charm. Because life blossoms from all angles when you’re deflowering a florist.