DC GIF Caption Contest x3

“Cereal laced with crack.”

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If You Can’t Run With The Big Dogs, Stay On The Porch

Two gigantic dogs are hoping to bark, claw and run their way into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The first is George, above, a Great Dane belonging to Tuscon, Ariz., resident Dan Nasser. George stands 42 inches tall and tips the scales at 245 pounds. George may seem like an intimidating pup, but Nasser says all it takes is a chew toy and a good belly rub to cut him down to size.

The second is Boomer, above and right, a 180-pound Landseer Newfoundland dog belonging to the Weber family of Casselton, N.D. Boomer, as you can see, has no trouble drinking from the kitchen sink. He measures 7 feet long from nose to tail and stands 26 inches tall at the shoulders. The family says a 20-pound bag of dry dog food lasts Boomer no longer than a few weeks.

We’ll keep you posted on these decent dogs and their quest to make it into the Guinness Book of Records.

Little Nugget of Decency (or Indecency)

Nugget Dog

You Are All Beautiful

You’re all beautiful and we mean that from the bottom of our hearts. We don’t simply mean good-looking (although all of you are). You’re just a swell, impressive crew. Quite the classy bunch, you guys. You’re sex and intelligence wrapped up in a ball. You’re arousing in every way. Truly.

It’s mind-blowing, really — how beautiful all of you are! You intoxicate us with intrigue every step of the way. My God! You’re the town dog catcher, except instead of catching dogs you catch dignity and honor. You’re makers of joy — your spirit is unsuprassed. There’s no question in our minds.

Our appreciation for you cannot be understated. Face it — you’re potent and you’re a winner. You love to party — that’s a fact! You’re exciting and elegant and you can whip up thrills point blank. Everyone knows you’re legit, but we figured there’s no harm in reminding you. Indeed, it’s you who makes things happen, and it’s you who gets people on the dance floor. To put it simply — you’re decent and are an indispensible part of The Community.

Inside Secrets of Buying a Schnauzer

If you are looking for a mustachioed companion that will provide years of overwhelming ecstasy and even act as a watchdog in your motor home, acquiring a Schnauzer may be your answer. Here’s what your stank-ass should do after you’ve decided that a Schnauzer is the dog for you:

  • Find a reputable Schnauzer breeder. It’s said that most reliable Schnauzer dealers have a low tolerance for booze, so get them liquored up. If they barf after three drinks or so, you’ll know he/she is a legitimate dealer.
  • Visit the kennel to make sure the Schnauzer puppies are being well cared for. If it’s not possible to visit the kennel, demand to see pictures of the Schnauzers making love. Nobody wants a Schnauzer that’s not down with coitus.
  • After getting your first look at the Schnauzer litter, smoke a couple cigarettes and think about all the Schnauzer poop that will be slathered all over your motor home rug.
  • When selecting a Schnauzer out of the litter, look for which puppies are bossy, which are submissive, and which win the tugs-of-war. None of this matters, because all Schnauzers are jerks anyway.
  • Once you’ve singled out a Schnauzer puppy you think you like, try punting it. If it appears unfazed, you’ll know it won’t mind living in your motor home.

Congratulations! You now have all the information you need to buy a Schnauzer! Follow these secrets and you’ll be well on your way to bringing a well bred, show dog caliber Schnauzer back to your motor home!