Everything You Wanted To Know About Animal Sex

 

So us humans think we’re the baddest and best at doing the deed. Who can blame us? Over time, our species has come up with thousands of different positions and ways to make sex better and better. Toys, costumes, dolls, lotions … even stuff that is too undecent to mention here on the Community has all been invented by humans for human sexual purposes.

As much as we like to think we rule at doing it, we actually don’t. Here are some reasons, courtesy of Cracked, why you may be jealous of some of the animal species who are taking boning to a whole new level.

Marathon sex sessions kill mice

The Brown Antichinus, a mouse species native to Australia, gets super horny during mating season. What do the males do? They bone the same female mouse for as long as 12 hours straight, then quickly move on to the next female for round two. This goes on for days until the little guy’s body simply can’t take it anymore. Every male Brown Antichinus eventually dies from the stress of over-boning after mating season.

Hippos have an unusual fetish

We know hippos are Hungry Hungry, but they are also horny horny. When a male hippo eyes up a decent-looking female, he walks into her line of sight then spins his best game. What game might that be? He takes a massive dump right in front of her then goes in for the kill: He uses his tail as a propeller, spinning around spraying all that female-hippo-attracting crap all over the place. Needless to say, the ladies can’t resist.

One just doesn’t get it done for Red-Sided Garter Snake

This reptile yearns for a nice, big snake after hibernation. When she sends out pheromones letting the guys know she’s wet and ready, about 100 reptiles will slither around her, hoping she chooses their snake. Only one is lucky enough to get to the promised land with this beauty but the others shouldn’t feel too left out: They start dry-humping each other in a massive snake orgy. Scientists also say that some of the dudes want their snakes taken care of so badly that they’ll release their own version of the feminine pheromone so the other dude snakes will go to town. Kinda gay.

The tricky Cichlid Fish

The males of this decent species have game, and they know how to use it. When females lay eggs, they usually take them in their mouths and transport them to safety a little ways away. The dudes developed small white lights by their dongs that are very similar to eggs. They swim under these traveling babes, who, seeing the lights, think they have dropped an egg and dive their mouths at the dong. That’s when the male blows its load in her mouth, impregnating the fish for another round of egg-laying.

Bedbugs make the best out of a crappy situation

Female bedbugs are born without any kind of vagina. Bummer for the dudes, who are super horny and love to bone all the time. If there’s no va-j-j, how do these guys get it on? Their wangs have sharp tips to them and they use it to poke a hole in the female’s abdomen, then they bone the crap out of them through the hole. That’s where all those tiny bugs pestering poor neighborhoods come from; a razor-sharp bug tubesteak.

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