Decent Football Picks, Week 8

Imagine how much your team would suck if you played against Peyton Manning every week?

Enter Exhibit A: The Detroit Lions. While better than winless teams like St. Louis, Tennessee and Tampa, the Lions are playing like a winless team. They are allowing opposing quarterbacks to post an average rating of 118.7, the highest in the league and slightly higher than Manning’s league-leading 114.5. So if you break it down, the Lions play against a slightly better version of Manning every Sunday. No wonder they suck.

Football guru Jonathan Comey from The Standard-Times and is an expert at numbers and how they tell the story of NFL teams, like the “improved” Lions. What are some of the other numbers he’s come across?

  • The Miami Dolphins lead the league in third-down conversions (53.8%), are second in time of possession (34:46) and fifth in rushing (4.8 yards per attempt) but sit at a measly 2-4 record.
  • Remember how much Rex Grossman sucked? He threw interceptions on 3.64% of his passing attempts. But hey, everyone in Chicago thinks Jay Cutler is Jesus, even though he throws picks on 4.78% of his 2009 attempts.
  • Buffalo rookie safety has 91 yards on five interceptions in the last three games. In that same span, Terrell Owens has 10 catches for 84 yards.

Read more from guru Jonathan Comey at

Lord Helmet led the way again last week with an impressive 9-3-1 showing. The push comes courtesy of the Houston Texans, who beat the weak San Francisco 49ers by just three points. Anytime your team benches its starting QB in the middle of a game, you should beat it by more than a field goal. Tubesteak was second with a decent 8-4-1 week while Fugaze remains in the hole with a 6-6-1 week. Overall standings: Helmet (63-38-1), Tubesteak (55-46-1) and Fugaze (47-54-1).

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games. The spreads are taken from Las Vegas, the mecca of everything that is decent: Denver (+3½) at Baltimore, Cleveland (+13½) at Chicago, Houston (-3½) at Buffalo, Brett Favre (+3) at old Brett Favre, San Francisco (+12) at Peyton Manning, Miami (+3) at New York Jets, St. Louis (+4) at Detroit, Seattle (+9½) at Dallas, Oakland (+16½) at San Diego, Jacksonville (+3) at Tennessee, Carolina (+10) at Arizona, New York Giants (pick) at Philly and Atlanta (+10) at New Orleans.

Helmet Head’s picks: Denver, Cleveland, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, G-Men and New Orleans

Tubesteak: Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Minnesota, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, NY Giants and New Orleans.

Fugaze: Denver, Chicago, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Seattle, Oakland, Jacksonville, Arizona, Giants and Falcons.

So how do we see the rest of the Pats season shaping up?

Tubesteak: “If the Pats season were a sex romp, seven thrusts would have been executed. And like what usually happens after seven thrusts, ooze has been shot. But don’t worry, it wasn’t a serious load, and the second wave of thrusts are more enjoyable for everyone because they go deeper (playoffs) and there’s a better climax (Super Bowl). So by my count, there’s still 12 thrusts left — and I see each one becoming more exceptional than the previous. As the squad gels into something resembling Ron Jeremy, look for the Pats to pound away on other teams — until they’re finally crowned as the best fuck in the NFL.”

Fugaze: The bye week couldn’t have come at a better time for the Pats. Come back from Europe with an easy win and watch as the rest of the league beats each other up for another Sunday. New England’s next opponent, Miami, will have its hands full against Mark Sanchez this weekend and should be a little drained when they come to Foxboro next weekend. After the Fish it’s at Peyton Manning (never easy) then hosting the NY Jets. This is make-or-break time for the P-Men.


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