Tubesteak No Loner Has ‘World’s Biggest Penis’

Tubesteak’s foot-long, well, tubesteak, has been knocked off its perch as the world’s biggest by a 40-year-old from Brooklyn, N.Y., whose unit is almost as big as Tubesteak’s — when it acts like a scared baby turtle.

Jonah Falcon recently reclaimed his title as “World’s Biggest Penis” by having a medical doctor measure him in at 13.5 inches. Falcon previously held the title for several years before Tubesteak busted on the scene with the start of Decent Community.

Tubesteak's new No. 1 nemesis: Jonah Falcon

Upon further investigation, Falcon doesn’t live the typical life of someone who has the world’s biggest wang. He has made several appearances on the Howard Stern Show and cameos on a few TV shows but hasn’t been able to break into big-time showbiz.

“When I meet people, they find it hard to look me in the eye,” said Falcon, whose dong measures in at 9.5 inches when he hops out of a cold pool. “They just see what’s in my trousers. It’s become a real problem.”

The 5-foot-9 Falcon also struggles to find love.

“My last relationship ended in 1996. Now I just want to find a steady girlfriend who doesn’t think I’m a freakshow,” Falcon said in a newspaper interview recently.”

Tubesteak and Falcon have a lot of work to do if either wants to claim the title of “Earth’s Biggest Penis.” That belongs to the mighty Blue Whale, which swims through the open ocean with a 12-foot firehose.

While Tubesteak can no longer wear the crown as “most endowed dude,” he should still consider himself fortunate because he’s in a better position than both Jack Morley and Steve Wasylchyk. Morley is known to have the smallest adult working schlong in the world, clocking in at three inches when at top capacity. Wasylchyk, however, is facing some pretty tough times. He is known to have the smallest willy in America at 5 millimeters (think Tic-Tac). Due to lack of female contact and severe erosion from years of off-the-charts whacking off, his little pecker can no longer get hard and mighty.

For you Massachusetts dudes, be happy your not as bad off as Bryan Welch from Michael’s Moving Co. in Boston. He was identified in both Playboy (June 2007) and Men’s Health (September 2008) as having the state’s smallest johnson. Neither publication was able to print just how tiny it is for fear of a lawsuit, but Playboy called it “thinner and about half as long as those golf course pencils.” Like Wasylchyk, Maxim said his is also eroded beyond use by years of excessive dolphin flogging.

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One Response

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