Decent Football Picks, Week 5

F’ing John Lackey. Jon Lester makes one mistake, Takashi Saito, as usual, sucks and we’re down 1-0. If we didn’t have Josh Beckett, I’d be a little worried right about now.

Hey, this is football picks, not baseball picks, which brings me to another Josh I’m very high on: McDaniels. I can’t believe I doubted this guy. He traded Jay Cutler and got Kyle Orton and everyone thought the Broncos would suck. Like McDaniels has never worked magic with another crappy quarterback before (Matt Cassel has an 82.5 QB rating and zero wins since parting ways with McDaniels).

The Broncos new coach has a very simple formula: Do what Belichick does and we’ll win. He wears the guru’s hoodies and he even talks like Belichick. Reporters in Denver and Boston have been asking Belichick-McDaniels questions all week. Listen to their responses. Belichick: “It’s going to come down to … who blocks who, who can get open, who can cover, who can tackle and who can break tackles.” McDaniels: “It’s going to come down to who tackles better, who blocks better, who throws better and who catches better.”

Congrats to Community member Comber, who picked in at 10-4 in Helmet’s absence last week. Luckily, Helmet was able to send a telegram from his foliage trip to make his picks just before kickoff last week, going 8-6 with his head in the clouds. Tubesteak went 10-4 and Gaze was 8-6. Season standings show Helmet leading at 39-22, followed by Tubesteak at 30-31 and Fugaze at an awful 27-34.

Anyway, here are the lines on this week’s games, taken, as always, from Las Vegas: Minnesota (-10) at St. Louis, Dallas (-8½) at Kansas City, Washington (+3½) at Carolina, Tampa Bay (+15) at Philadelphia, Oakland (+16) at New York Giants, Cleveland (+6) at Buffalo, Cincinnati (+8½) at Baltimore, Pittsburgh (-10½) at Detroit, Atlanta (+2½) at San Francisco, New England (-3) at Denver, Houston (+5½) at Arizona, Jacksonville (pick) at Seattle, Peyton Manning (-4) at Tennessee and Mark Sanchez (-2) at Miami.

Helmet Head’s Picks: Vikings, Cowboys, Panthers, Eagles, G-Men, Bills, Cincy, Pittsburgh, Falcons, Pats, Cardinals, Jaguars, Peyton Manning and Mark Sanchez.

Tubesteak: Minnestoa, K.C., Carolina, Tampa, G-Men, Bills, Ravens, Lions, Atlanta, Pats, Arizona, Seamen, Peyton Manning and Miami.

Fugaze: Rams, Chiefs, ‘Skins, Eagles, Giants, Browns, Ravens, Steelers, Falcons, Pats, Cardinals, Seattle, Tennessee and Mark Sanchez

So how do we, and my copy of Madden 10, think the Pats will make out this weekend?

Madden Simulation (Broncos 58, Patriots 20): My Playstation 3 must be broken!?!?!? Brady threw a pick-6 to Champ Baily with 1:50 left to ice this blowout. Tommy ended up throwing four picks and left Colorado with a 64.5 QB rating, with a garbage-time TD to Randy Moss keeping him out of Oakland-like numbers. Moss caught 12 passes for 170 yards and two scores, a decent day. Former Patriot Jabar Gaffney was the MVP of the game with 144 yards on 10 catches with three TDs for the Broncos.

Helmet Head’s Prediction (Pats 24, Broncos 6): “Handsome Tom, recently displaced as the most handsome football player in the world at the VH1 Fashion Awards by up-and-coming handsome man Champ Bailey, is brainwashed by New England Mugatu (Bill Belichick) convincing Handsome Tom that to regain his crown as the most handsome football player in the world, the P-Men must beat Champ Bailey and the Denver Broncos in a standard US rules football match.  Brainwashed, Handsome Tom plays a heroic game and puts the P-Men over the top when he overhears Champ Bailey accusing him of constantly asking groups of women reporters, ‘Is in hot in here or is it just me?’ in order to hear their standard response, ‘it’s just you, Handsome Tom.'”

Tubesteak (Pats 23, Broncos 6): “Facing an undefeated team on the road and we’re still goddamn favorites. Are the Pats the most respected team in pro sports history? I swear, the Pats could be 0-15 (hypothetical, obviously!!) and play a team that’s 15-0 and the Pats would still be favorites. I happen to be an expert in respect — and that’s what I call RESPECT! And while we’re here, I forecast the Red Sox serving up a healthy dish of DISRESPECT to the halos. (But what else is new?)”

Fugaze (Pats 23, Broncos 16): I think Vegas hit the nail on the head with the line this weekend. There’s no doubt in my mind that the Pats are the superior team here. the Broncos are 4-0 but they beat Cincy on a bs hail mary, Oakland, Cleveland and the pitiful Cowboys. Defensive coordinator Mike Nolan is doing a hell of a job, but he hasn’t played an explosive offense like the Pats yet. Don’t underestimate Josh McDaniels’ knowledge of the Pats personnel, though. Winning in Denver is never easy but the Pats will not lose wearing old-school, Pat Patriot logos this weekend, but may need to wear extra visor protection to repel those bright orange-crush Broncos jerseys.

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