How to Toss a Salad


Tossing a salad is a very delicate matter. You can’t be too rough with the tossing or the “salad” will bruise. Tossing salad is a delightful experience for both the “diner” and the “chef.” Here are directions on how to properly toss salad(s):

1.) Before washing and storing greens, remove and discard discolored or wilted outer greens. Translation: Peel away stray hairs, dingleberries, leftover poop morsels, and other debris that may compromise taste.

2.) Any water that clings to the greens will dilute the flavor and consistency of the “dressing” and will make the salad overly soggy. After washing the greens, place them on some paper towel and gently pat dry. Translation: Nobody likes to grizzle a sopping wet colon, so don’t be afraid to dry that shit with paper towels, ya hear?

3.) To avoid bruising the leaves or causing them to brown, tear, rather than cut, salad greens into bite-size pieces. Tearing greens also exposes more of the insides of the leaves so they absorb more “dressing.” Translation: Don’t be overly aggressive and “bite off more than you can chew.” Analingus can cause tearing if performed in an overly aggressive manner.

4.) Before tearing romaine, cut the fibrous rib from the larger leaves by placing each leaf on a cutting board and slicing along both sides of the rib with a small, sharp “knife.” Translation: Go down the middle of the butthole. Don’t nibble at the corners. There’s more fiber in the middle of the strike zone.

5.) Dress the salad just before serving to prevent wilted, soggy greens. Add enough dressing to lightly coat the greens, then toss with salad servers or two spoons. Gently push downward to the bottom of a deep bowl with the servers and lift upward so the greens at the top fall to the bottom. Translation: You can use jelly, syrup, or mustard to dress the salad. For best results, use a spoon to jab between the butt cheeks and press down gently.

*Note that tossing the salad can be done in many ways, so don’t be afraid to experiment. Tossing a salad can get messy, but don’t forget it’s an easy clean-up afterwards. Also remember that tossing a salad can be hard work, but tossing a quality salad is the most rewarding part of any “home cooked meal.”


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