The Emasculating Fall Foliage Tour

fall foliage

Avoid leaf peeping unless you want to turn into the guy in this picture!

Right around this time every year chicks start hounding their men to take them up to New Hampshire or Vermont in the name of trees, manipulated romance, and corny, clichéd photos featuring earth-toned sweaters like the ones above. “A leaf-peeping tour,” if you will, where you stay at a bed and breakfast, look at trees, buy some homemade maple syrup, and basically have your balls chopped off.

With news of intense hues predicted for this fall season, let this serve as a tip-off to the impending threat on your manhood. Fall weekends are for football, beers, buffalo wings, and washing your sports car unless you’re a half-witted buffoon who gets totally dominated by your broad. Seriously — wasting a weekend to look at trees and sip on apple cider in your cute little fleece vests? Do you enjoy humiliating yourself?

If you’re decent, you’ll avoid the trip at all costs. But if you do find yourself driving up to NH or VT, take notice of the foliage from your car, point it out to your girl, and make a quick U-turn because you’ll have seen everything there is to see. If you do actually go on a fall foliage tour, guard that secret with your life! Otherwise, your dignity will be forever compromised. Your woman will have stripped you of your balls, and she’ll gladly put them on display for all your buddies to see…and then, my former friend, you’re a goner.

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