Decent Football Picks, Week 3

First, Tubesteak spills all his cybersleeves and other sex toys all over I-95 on his way to Georgia, then Helmet Head starts having sex with animals. What is going on with my brothers in decency? Helmet, I am ordering you at once to dump that horse thing because, as you remember, the winner of our Decent Football Picks gets to have a threesum with the others’ ladies, and I didn’t sign up to start nailing horses. If I wanted to have sex with animals, I’d go hang out with Jeff Dunham.

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s contests, taken from Caesar’s Palace in Sin City: Tennessee (+2½) at New York Jets, Jacksonville (+4) at Houston, Kansas City (+9½) at Philadelphia, Cleveland (+13½) at Baltimore, New York Giants (-6½) at Tampa Bay, Washington (-6½) at Detroit, Green Bay (-6½) at St. Louis, San Francisco (+7) at Minnesota, Atlanta (+4) at New England, Chicago (-2) at Seattle, New Orleans (-6) at Buffalo, Miami (+6) at San Diego, Pittsburgh (-4) at Cincinnati, Denver (-1½) at Oakland, Indy (+2½) at Arizona, Carolina (+9) at Dallas

Helmet Head’s picks: Titans, Jaguars, Eagles, Ravens, Giants, Lions, Packers, 49ers, Pats, Bears, Saints, Dolphins, Steelers, Broncos, Colts and Cowboys.

Tubesteak: Titans, Texans, Chiefs, Ravens, Giants, Lions, Rams, Vikings, Pats, Seahawks, Saints, Chargers, Bengals, Broncos, Colts, Panthers

Fugaze: Titans, Jaguars, Chiefs, Browns, Bucs, Lions, Rams, Vikings, Falcons, Bears, Bills, Fish, Steelers, Raiders, Cardinals and Panthers.

Last week’s results: Helmet Head (8-8), Tubesteak (8-8) and Fugaze (9-7). Season standings: Helmet Head leads so far with a 17-14 mark, followed by Fugaze at 15-16 and Tubesteak trailing in third place with a 10-21 record.

So how do we think the Sons of Belichick will make out this weekend?

Helmet Head (Pats 38, Falcons 31): “I think this is the week the Pats start clicking. The past two weeks, the Pats have reminded me of me, trying to do these picks right now and write this prediction while fending off a vicious poop — tight, sweaty and inconsistent. The Pats D blows for sure so I’m predicting a high-scoring affair. I think the Pats get over their mid-morning loaf pinching performances of weeks 1 and 2 and put up some points. This week the Pats release the turd. Release the turd!

Tubesteak (Pats 31, Falcons 24): “Looks like my predicted 16-0 season is out the window. Fuck me. Anyway, playing at The Razor is the difference as the Pats have a close shave against the Dirty Birds. Matty Ice and Tony Gonzalez combine for a big game, but the Pats offense matures as a unit and Handsome Tom plays a handsome game — finally getting his fucking shit together.

Fugaze (Pats 34, Falcons 31): Time to get back to winning ways in Foxboro. With many people jumping off the Pats bandwagon, now is the best time to put up a solid victory against an up-and-coming Falcons team. Matty Ice is the real deal, as is coach Mike Smith, who leads the league in underrated. Think Ryan did it all himself last year? Not a chance and no one even mentions Smith in top coaching discussions. Anyway, Pats win but don’t cover the four-point spread.

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