55 years — 6 babes — 1 son — 1 execution

Henry VIII

Henry VIII

Reason No. 1,687 why Wikipedia‘s cool:


Henry VIII became King of England in 1509 and married his sister-in-law, Catherine, the same year. Sixteen years fly by and Hank’s getting pissed he doesn’t have a son yet. He gets the hots for Anne, a hottie in the queen’s crew.

He spends the next eight years chasing down a prisoned-up Pope and various royalty around the old country to annul his marriage to Catherine and have a kid with Anne. Hank marries Anne and they bone a lot for the next three years but still no Henry 9.


Anne miscarries a male child on the day of Catherine’s funeral.

The king gets irate, declares Anne is some kind of witch and starts banging a new chick, one of Anne’s girlfriends, Jane Seymour. He has Anne and her family arrested for treason and gross sex crimes.

Jane Seymour

Anne is beheaded publicly.

Ten days later, Hank marries Jane Seymour and puts a bun in the oven. Jane Seymour dies giving birth to a prince. Hank marries three more chicks, ate himself so fat he had to use a wheelchair to get around and possibly contracted gout and syphilis before dying at age 55 — 462 years ago today.

His last words? “Monks! Monks! Monks!”

In 1965, Herman’s Hermits (who rivaled the Beatles on the U.S. Billboard charts for a brief time) released this catchy tune dubbed “I’m Henry VIII, I Am.”


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